#mod a.n.

[aroacefaq]

I'm asexual and heteroromantic, ( aroflux ), and I just recently started liking a guy for the first time in a long time, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm usually aro and don't feel romantic attraction, but this one came out of no where and hit me like a truck, and now I don't know how to deal with it. I'm not used to feeling romantic attraction. What should I do?

I guess the only thing I’d have to say would be to take a day or two, longer (if need be) and just think hard about what you're wanting from the future, and the guy himself? We can’t tell you whether or not to pursue a relationship, but there are aroflux people in romantic relationships both with other aro-spec people and alloromantics, and if after considering it a little if you're certain it’s something you want, then why not go for it?  You don’t necessarily have to come out to the guy in question if you don’t want.

-mod Raven

I agree, I’d suggest that you spends some time thinking about what you want to get out of this relationship, and if you want to pursue it. Romantic attraction can be very hard to recognize, and to act upon (if you choose to). If you want to pursue a relationship, and then other person is also interested, congratulations. Relationships, and doing romantic activities, can be great fun. If you don’t want a relationship, and/or the other person dosn’t want one, that’s ok too. Whether or not you choose to act upon the feelings is completely up to you. Ultimately, I would suggest spending some time to reflect on your feelings, understand them better, and figure out if you would like to pursue them, and, if so, what you’d like to gain from a relationship.

-mod A.N.

I’ve actually gone through an experience similar to this recently, so I understand what you’re going through anon! I’m arospec (greyro specifically) and recently out of nowhere developed feelings for someone. It can be a really confusing experience, and that’s okay: romantic attraction is confusing. I agree with what the other mods said here, because it’s what I did and it worked for me. Wait a bit before acting on them so you can see a) whether the feelings stick, b) whether you want to act on them. Especially with that last bit, time is important!! It can be a few days or even as long as a few weeks, but time will tell whether you want to actually pursue the idea of a relationship. If he’s a close friend, you could even talk to him about your orientation. You don’t necessarily have to reveal your feelings right away, but knowing that he’s comfortable with you being aroflux might help you figure out how you want to act! Overall really my suggestion would be to give yourself some time. You don’t have to know what to do right away.

-mod j

[aroacefaq]

Is it possible to be aroace and another orientation like aroace and gay sorry for the foolish question

It’s not a foolish question at all! 

That depends on how you use the split attraction model. While romantic and sexual attraction are the most commonly used ones, some people split their attraction up even further. In that case, aro and ace could refer to their sexual and romantic attraction, while the gay part could come from other forms of attraction. 

It’s also possible to be both arospec and acespec, and feel attraction, when attraction is present, only towards people of the same gender. 

-mod j 

For example, some people who aren’t fully ace, like greyace, will double up, and identify as homogreysexual, for example. In that case, homogreysexual means both gay and ace spec. 

-mod A.N. 

[aroacefaq]

Hi, I'm aroace (romance repulsed). I was talking in chat with friends and they decided to be all in a qpr and at first moment I was "no, it's not for me" but one of them asked me to be their S/O and I had the same thought but I said yes. Now I fell..

Part 2: ..It’s not for me, because I feel the pressure to say something cute and to send heart emoji to them. I tried to see how it is to be in a qpr. I’m so confused. I’m a bad person if I wanted to try? This make me aplatonic?

Not wishing to participate in romantic activities, or conversations ect, doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you! Today’s world is so obsessed with dating and expressions of romantic love, that if you are one of those people who don’t feel that desire for romance, you can feel like something is wrong with you for not wanting to have romantic/qpr relations. But that is simply not true, there is nothing wrong with having boundaries, and that applies to all types of relationships. If you feel uncomfortable about anything, let your friend know. Whether you decide to try being in a qpr or not, that doesn’t make you a bad person, or wrong. You have a right to not do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable,and your friend should respect that. I would suggest talking with that friend privately and let them know how you feel, including whether or not to participate in a qpr as their s/o. If you choose to give it a try, wonderful. But it you choose not, also great! There is nothing wrong with choosing one or the other, is what I mean. And there is also nothing wrong with trying it out, and deciding you don’t like it, and stopping the relationship. Which ever path you choose, just ensure that you feel comfortable, and that, if you choose to participate in the qpr, you let your friend know what you are, and aren’t, comfortable.

-mod a.n. 

‘Like mod a.n. said, it doesn’t make you a bad person to be uncomfortable in this situation! I would however recommend that you talk with your friend so that you’re on the same page. The important thing in any kind of relationship, be it platonic, qp, romantic, familial, etc. is that both sides are honest with one another. If something makes you uncomfortable, let them know. You shouldn’t be forced to do anything you’re not sure about. If you want to try a qpr with this friend, let them know your boundaries and that you feel pressured to be behave in a way you don’t want to. It’s also okay if you decide you don’t want to be in a qpr with them- the important thing is to let them know that you’re not comfortable with the idea and would prefer not to be in a qpr. Either way, just be sure you’re both in the same page! 

As for your last question- while we can guide you to finding an answer, we can’t give you a definitive answer. If you feel like aplatonic is a term that describes accurately how you feel, and it helps you understand yourself, then you might be! Likewise your aversion to this situation may also be connected to your romance repulsion. It could even be both, or even neither of these scenarios. In the end, the only one who can figure this out exactly is you. Hopefully this helped you a bit though! 

-mod j

[aroacefaq]

I just wanted to say that this blog makes me really happy.

@songbirdpyka: I’m glad we make you happy! It’s really sweet you told us this, it made our day too, thank you!

sorry this reply has been so late, all the mods have been really busy with irl stuff. but we all really appreciated this message!

[aroacefaq]

From Mod A.N., my seflie day contribution. Never be ashamed of your sexuality, never feel broken. You are beautiful and amazing people, all of you. So stand proud this ace week! AROACE AND PROUD! 

- Mod A.N. (he/his pronouns today please :)

[aroacefaq]

Ace character headcanons!

Dean Winchester - Bisexual, demiromantic (you guys all say Dean's only attracted to Cas, well there is a word for it. Demisexual. Use it.) Light Yagami/Kira - ace acro L/Lawlet - grey ace aro Eren Yeager - ace aro Luke Skywalker - ace aro Katniss - demi ace aro (again, shes attracted to like 2 guys, both of whom she's known for ages. Demi) Charlie Weasley - ace aro (first off, he works with dragons. And secondly, apparently JK herself has confirmed this one. So awwwesome!) And that's some of my fandom asexual headcanons! - mod A.N.

[aroacefaq]

Explaining my sexual identity

Since I’m demisexual, my explanation is different to other aces, since I do actually feel some attraction, just very rarely.

I describe it like this; everyone is ‘dead’ to me, or 'cold’, so I don’t see them as being sexually attractive, I don’t see people and desire them or anything. But when I get to know people, and being to feel attraction (on the rare times that happens) I describe it as those people 'warm up’, and I can see that they are attractive, and I can desire them.

So, In very basic terms, I say to my friends, You’re dead to me. But sometimes you warm up and I like you. But not often. To those who still don’t get it, or have a very, very limited understanding of sexualities, I just say 'friends, I’m attracted to friends.’ Which, whilst technically true, dosn’t really capture or properly explain my feelings.

This is a very basic explanation, and in no way how I would actually explain it to educated people, or in a serious conversation. I just use this explanation to uneducated people who don’t get it.

- Mod A.N.

[aroacefaq]

Mod A.N: Coming Out

For me, coming out is a process. There are always new people in your life who will have questions regarding your sexuality, and so there are always different answers I give. As a demisexual, I am a minority within a minority, so there are very few times when I actually refer to myself as demisexual. If it's someone I don't know very well, I simply say I am not attracted to people very much, or that I'm attracted to friends. Whilst both are true, they are very vague. And since I am Catholic, I can use both explanations without revealing that I am also attracted to women. If I am closer with someone, I might go further to explain that I only become attracted to someone when I really get to know someone, and that their gender dosn't play a part in my attraction to them. If I go that far, and if they'd press, I'd use the formal definition. I am demisexual, so I am not attracted to people until I form a close bond with them, and that my attraction to them is not based off physical appearance or gender, but instead on the person.  

Peoples reaction to this have always varied. Some people go, oh so you're bi? I often just go along with it and say yeah, let's go with that. I don't correct them, because it's more convenient for my to say I'm bi then go explain that I'm demi, because it's complicated and not everyone gets it. If that person already knows a thing or two about sexualities past straight, gay and bi, I might say that I'm ace. But very rarely do I actually go all out and explain demisexual to its full extent. Sometimes I wish I could just say to someone, I'm demisexual, and not have to explain it. In my life, there has been one time where I did just say that, without an explanation, and they knew what it was. I have never felt so happy, and understood, as I did then. But there have also been people who went out of their way to research and to try and understand my sexuality, and even to go into really in depth discussions with me to try and understand my feelings. Either way, the most important fact to me, is that they acknowledge my sexuality.

For those here who are demisexual, know that you shouldn't feel bad for having a complicated sexuality. There is nothing wrong with having a sexuality that takes more than a sentence to explain, and sometimes, you just can't be bothered. That's ok, coming out is a constant work in progress that presents its own challenges, and is always evolving along with you. Simply not being straight, as a Catholic high-school student, at a Catholic school, in a country that has yet to legalise same-sex marriage, is simply something that I have to deal with, on-top of being aroacespec. But know, even when people don't get it, and they ask you to repeatedly explain it, know that there are people out there who do, and will, understand you. We here, at aroacefaq, and the people who follow and contribute to this blog, understand you. You are valid, and your sexuality is an amazing and beautiful part of you.

-Mod A.N.