soo uhh. I think I might be a system? maybe? I'm really not sure. I feel like "I" am at least two distinct people, but kinda not at the same time? I don't really know how to explain it. It's like there's the "me" that I've kind of always seen myself as, who's kind-of-a-boy (afab masc aligned enby), who is more reserved, on the ace-spectrum, quiet, and hates confrontation. But sometimes, seemingly randomly, i have thoughts and feelings that don't feel like they come from that me at all. Like there's a girl in there, somewhere, and she's passionate. she has strong convictions, and stronger emotions. and she's more sexual than i am, and likes women more than i do.
I often dissociate, feel less myself, but it still feels like someone's there, who's kind-of-me-but-also-not. I can look in the mirror like that and my body looks fine, nice, almost correct even.
Sometimes my friends tell me stories that involve me and i don't remember being there.
Sometimes they say I act different. They say sometimes I'm assertive in a way that catches them off guard, that I snap more, but also seem more confident and comfortable.
There are periods of my life that are quite foggy, patches in my teens that i cant recall at will. But what has me stumbling is that its not like I "lose days" per say, its more like i kind of fade in and out. There's never been a moment where I'm suddenly gone, and then suddenly back again. But in like a different way than how id normally describe my dissociative episodes, which are very acute and just feel like "me" doesn't exist at all. This feels more like I'm there, but Ive been blurred out, and whoever is in my body is someone completely different and distinct.
so i guess my question is just like, what do i do? how do i figure out more? Am i even looking at the right place or do i just need to examine my gender and sexuality more?? i guess whats throwing me off from just saying I'm gender fluid and ace-flux is the personality shifts my friends report. is this anything like anyone else's experience?
All I can say is that a lot of systems with amnesia report very similar experiences. Amnesia is almost never a sudden blinking- that would be far too noticeable. The brain will always try and fill in the gaps, and switches usually take time anyway.