Tw:domestic violence, trauma bonds
I grew up in, and now due to the pandemic, was recently forced to move back to my mothers house, who is a narcissist and abuses me emotionally, mentally, and occassionally physically. For years I thought this was normal, and never really questioned it. So I learned how to hide my trauma.
But now, I have the most amazing and supportive girlfriend who is gonna have me move in with her, in a two bedroom for privacy and so we dont tank our relationship, and I realized something.
My girlfriend wants me to go no contact with my abusive mother, though shell support whatever decision I make. But Ive been masking my trauma for so long that suddenly going no contact will completely blindside my mother. Im aware that Im not responsible for her feelings but I cant help but feel bad that shes going to lose me. My older brother, who was perfection in my parents eyes, is a spoiled brat who now uses talking with my mother as a privilege and he uses it to manipulate her to get what he wants. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree.
I know if I let her in, shell continue to hurt me, though it will be easier since I am moving states. But if I cut her off, she will view me as she views him, and I dont want that. Im not 100% sure Im strong enough to go no contact but also, she refuses to listen to any boundary I set, which tells my girlfriend shell only learn if I go no contact.
Thoughts? I could really use some help.
I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. Being forced to move back in with your abuser is awful, and I truly wish you’d had another solution. I’m so glad you’re going to be able to get away. Feeling conflicted about going no contact is also valid--I’ve been debating going no contact with my abuser for a few months now, and I still haven’t come to a decision, so I completely understand how hard and confusing it can be.
Before I answer this, I’d like to address your use of the word “narcissist”. I don’t think you did this on purpose, but using “narcissist” to describe an abuser is usually ableist, as Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental disorder that many people suffer from (I say “usually” because describing an abuser with NPD as a narcissist is not ableist language as long as you aren’t using it as an insult). I want to clarify that I don’t think any less of you, nor do I blame you for this--it’s a mistake that a lot of people make, because it’s not something that’s often talked about. You can read more about this here.
Deciding what level of contact you’ll have with your abuser is an incredibly personal decision, and for that reason I would encourage you not to feel pressured by your girlfriend. It really does seem like she has your best interests at heart, and I definitely think it’s worth listening to what she’s saying, but at the end of the day whatever you decide should be entirely your own decision, because you’re ultimately the only one who knows what’s the best for you.
Abuse victims are often conditioned to put others’ needs and wants before their own, especially those of their abusers. This is because they’re repeatedly told or shown that what they want doesn’t matter or that their opinions don’t matter (both of which are not true at all). It might also be because they were punished for putting their needs over their abuser’s. This is a completely normal struggle to have, and it’s valid to have a hard time dealing with it! A big part of healing, though, is to recognize and overcome unhealthy thoughts and behaviors that are a result of the trauma. Recognizing that your mother’s feelings are not your responsibility is a huge step, and I’m so proud of you for it! It’s okay if you’re not ready to act on that knowledge.
It also sounds like you care about how your mother views you--you don’t want to be seen the same way she sees your brother. This is entirely understandable and valid. Again, though, you are not responsible for her feelings, which does include what she thinks about you. Being worried she’ll see you the same way she does her brother makes sense, but what really matters is that you know the reason why you’ve made the choice you have. You know that you are not making this choice to manipulate her by using communication as a currency--you’re making it because it’s what you need to do to protect yourself, and that’s what matters. If you do go no contact, it might be worthwhile to set boundaries with the rest of the people in your life who have contact with her, too, so you don’t have to hear about her (or her opinions towards you) either.
Another option is to go low contact, meaning you would have limited interactions with your abuser, and they would be on your terms. You might to choose to do this while you debate going no contact or not, you might do it to ease into no contact, you might do it because you worry you wouldn’t be able to do no contact (for any reason), or you might decide that low contact is just the best choice for you, and all of these are valid reasons to go low contact. This is the place I’m currently in with my abuser, while I figure out if I want to go low contact or not, and it really has helped. You can tell her formally that you’re going low contact if you’d like, or you can do it without notification--my abuser lives in a different state, so low contact for me mostly looked like not answering the phone when he called. I genuinely don’t think he knows that I’ve changed our communication at all, and because of that, I don’t feel guilty about the decision.
At the end of the day, the terms on which you have communication with your abuser are an incredibly personal choice. You don’t have to follow any rules--you can adapt your communication policy however you need to in order for it to fit you and your needs. I really hope you’re able to find something that works for you in order to keep you safe.
I hope this helps, anon. Your trauma and struggles are no less valid because you’ve masked it, and you deserve to be able to heal on your own terms. Please send in another ask if there’s anything else we can do.
