#mod quill

[evilxdoodles]

my bad for the last reblog. evil x would curse you with this so we’re leaving it up

[linked-universe-discord]

I just got discord!! How do I join the server?

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[sysmedsaresexist]

so here's our thing, as a traumagenic system, right. for the longest time we thought we *couldn't* be plural because we "were not traumatized" and we only ever heard about DID-style, traumatized-at-5 systems. thing is, our trauma was just under lock and key of a lot of trauma-locked memories. we're completely pro-endo, because relying on diagnostic criteria helps *no one.*

Hey, Mod Quill here.

For a very, very long time, I was convinced I had DID without trauma. I was firmly pro-endo because I didn't have any trauma, so the DID community didn't welcome me. I wasn't like those other systems; I didn't have trauma, I wasn't upset, I never remembered fighting with my parts! Moreover, the endogenic community welcomed me with open arms, telling me over, and over... and over... and over... just how not traumatized I was.

Even after I started to realize I was in an active abuse situation. Even after I started noticing my symptoms more and more. Even after anti-endos had patiently and kindly (I know, insane to think about) explained that I likely just didn't remember my trauma before, and that what I described as clear and blatant symptoms were equally clear and blatant trauma responses.

I was, essentially, kicked out of pro-endo communities, way back when, because I was too traumatized, and too confrontational when people told me all the reasons I couldn't be traumatized -- such as "too rich," "too white," and "but your parents loved you." That last one was almost constant.

And you know what's remarkable?

Trauma is not part of the diagnostic criteria for DID. Is it a requirement? Yes! But it IS NOT part of the criteria.

You know what is?

Alteration of identity, causing marked issues with sense of self, and affecting many aspects of life (like social relationships, cognition, agency, etc)

Amnesia in some regard (inconsistent with normal forgetfulness)

Distress OR Dysfunction (and thank FUCK Mod Dude explained what dysfunction means, if it's hurdles in your path that you've learned to get over, guess what, neurotypicals don't have those at all)

I experienced all of these. Therefore, I have DID.

And therefore, controversially, many endogenic systems have DID. By the diagnostic criteria. If they experience these three things, that's disordered, babey! It doesn't fucking matter what their trauma history is.

The thing is, I have not known any systems personally who do have these things... without also having trauma. And that's because of many, many different things, but the fact of the matter is, in DID, the alters are a trauma response, not just an additional "thing that normally happens" to systems. And I say this as a DID system with mixed-origins.

Knowing this diagnostic criteria helped me so much. It helped me get the help I fucking needed. It helped me understand the hell was happening to me, and why it was so much worse around my (what I later learned were) abusers.

I'm sorry to say this, but comments like yours are one of many, many reasons why I'm no longer comfortable using pro-endo as a label. Too often, in the effort to support endogenic systems, DID systems and what is helpful for many of us gets... discarded. And that's not right.

I'm not saying what you went through was right either. And it sucks that you couldn't find anyone to relate to, or who could give you the proper information you needed. But the fact is, the diagnostic criteria of the DSM-5 is not to blame for that, and saying it "helps no one" is offensive to those of us who would have died without a diagnosis.

The thing to blame for not having the proper information is people spreading misinfo about DID, people spreading misinfo about systemhood in general, and a lack of role models within the community as it is.

We, as systems, need to be more and more vocal about different presentations of systemhood -- especially since the concept of systemhood is now kind of getting more and more public eye on it. And at the end of the day, it doesn't fucking matter if people are traumatized or not! It doesn't matter if people are pro-endo, anti-endo, or not fucking with syscourse. It doesn't matter if people are diagnosed, self-diagnosed, medically recognized, or not fucking with labels. It doesn't matter if someone is ACTUALLY a system or not!

What matters is getting the help we need. What matters is people getting the diagnosis they need, if that's even something they need. What matters is seeing people with life-long trauma disorders learn to thrive and heal and recover, regardless of what recovery might be for them.

Pro-endo doesn't mean discarding the DSM. Or at least, I highly doubt those who use that label mean it that way. And maybe you didn't either, and I'm sorry to have gone off so long. It's just...

I've seen too much anti-medicalism from pro-endos to trust it anymore, especially as someone who has had to deal with... a lot of ableism about my origins.

Good luck out there -- and I hope you get what you need as well. I hope we all do.

[sysmedsaresexist]

i thought the stuff people posted about introjection and autism was that introject splits are derived from the fixation itself instead of the other symptoms of autism

Mod Quill here again, propping up my post about the topic of Autism + DID here (I'm very proud of it)

Yes, many people do focus on the hyperfixation!! I addressed that part, and how I feel like focusing ONLY on that part is dismissive of other autistic traits, which I feel more accurately represent the reason for higher amounts of introject splits in autistic systems.

However, I also think it's fair for individuals to focus on the hyperfixation side of things.

The fact is, for me, in my personal views, for my own system, I cannot separate the aspects of my autism that way. Sure, we as parts all have different parts of our autism reflect more strongly in certain ones of us -- R is more sensitive to overload and meltdowns, D is more likely to experience hyperfixation, and I'm more likely to be affected by sensory information like sounds and textures. But that doesn't mean we aren't all autistic, and as we integrate further, we get more of those symptoms as individual parts.

But that's my own, personal system. Not every person feels this way. Not every system is going to split introjects in the way I discussed in the post. Not every system will view autism as a whole, and instead, will see it as just due to their hyperfixation.

And I think that's fair! I think that's accurate to those particular systems. The thing is, it's entirely up to the individual how they view how their system split.

The things I see people posting about introjection and autism are not professional grade multi-system studies about how introjection in systemhood works. They're usually posting personal posts about how their own systemhood works. Actually, more often than not, I see it as just... joking about their life. Lord, the amount of times I've made jokes about where our parts came from. "R, I can't believe you split from our hyperfixation," I'll say, joking about how he didn't do that, at all. I see the types of posts folks make as no different.

They're just people living their lives in their own way, and if that's how it works for them, it does me no harm to accept that. I mean, is it ACTUALLY HOW IT WORKS SCIENTIFICALLY?

I have no idea. I still don't. I don't really care, either. I'd much rather laugh about how many fucking times I've joked that I should've been an Angel Dust introject.

Like I said at the end of the OG post -- this is an intellectual curiosity and nothing more. Proving one way or another the definitive (or even just "usually the case") reason that introjects split more frequently in autistic systems just is not going to work. I don't think it's possible, and I think more folks need to acknowledge that science doesn't really do anything definitively. Give it a few years and we'll have an entirely NEW set of scientific findings and rules and methods and etc etc etc.

At the end of the day, people claim introjects split more commonly in autistic systems than non-autistic systems. I think, for the most part, that claim has a lot of merit. I think claiming it happens due to hyperfixation is one possible explanation, but it's not the one I find most compelling.

Anon, also -- I would look more into hyperfixations as well!!! I think trying to divorce them from the other parts of autism is foolhardy in a lot of ways. Not saying you were, but saying that I think it helps to view hyperfixation as a pathological symptom, rather than "it means you like something a lot," and I think that many people... don't view it as a pathological thing lmao.

[evilxdoodles]

What are theygoing as forr Halloween :DD

ink is specifically snapcube eggman. the devil, from bible

poem is the first line of the Communist Manifesto opening ("A spectre is haunting Europe — the spectre of communism.")

we hired several scientists to figure out what their issue is but the results came out inconclusive. Happy Halloween!

[evilxdoodles]

true evil comes from being evil just for the joy and whimsy of it

[sysmedsaresexist]

i really appreciate your round table communication exercise, thank you for sharing it.

but, how do i tell if i'm just making things up? how can i tell if my alters there are real, if they're not my actual alters (like imagining them differently from how they really are), or if they're purely figments of my imagination?

i'm not even entirely sure i have alters, so i'm worried about accidentally "faking" my alters by convincing myself they're real

thank you in advance

Mod Quill here, and there’s a shockingly easy way to combat this doubt, one I share with everyone I can.

Ask yourself, “If I were faking, would it change anything?”

Let’s pretend that you aren’t a system; that you are completely just faking it, and you never had them to begin with. Let’s say you finally admit it, and let’s say you say, “Okay, I am not a system, I am something else.”

Would that change anything about your current symptoms?

If you’re still experiencing dissociation, amnesia, issues with your own brain fighting itself, etc etc etc… then you still need help with those things, regardless of being a system or not. And if viewing yourself as a system is helping you with those issues, then that’s all that matters.

Try the communication exercises and see if they help you feel better. If they do, then you’re doing awesome! If not, find something else.

Your validity as a system does not matter. What matters is living your best life. 💜

[sysmedsaresexist]

Mod Quill with some feelings tonight as I scroll the syscourse tags in the usual pits of despair with a bag of popcorn and too little free time. As always, that show I sometimes stumble upon and leave running in the background while I do laundry is on, 24/7 it seems like. The TV station really loves running that particular producer’s re-runs.

I watch for a little bit, but the main character is just… painful to watch. She constantly pushes people away in some sort of way to get her goals each episode — but the series has never ended. It just is the same exact plot line each episode. It gets spicy sometimes when there’s a recurring plot line, or a story arc. They’re all a little… circular sometimes though. She gets sassy too, but that’s few and far between nowadays.

This latest arc, she’s clearly blue.

…

Okay so now that I’ve rambled enough on this metaphor about Sophie-

Her latest bait for trying to hurt a clearly traumatized person is just as painful to see as it always is. Just... god forbid she do something to actually further plural acceptance. I find it so ironic how she peddles that goal to her followers — The Future is Plural, right? — while consistently and actively working against it. She consistently tries to bait people who are against her in an attempt to prop herself up higher, never realizing that all the outside world is seeing is her stomping on others. 

Blue-Bubonic is very clearly fragile, at least in my eyes. I haven’t forgotten their (pronouns unsure, but please feel free to correct me) first foray into syscourse. And yet she sees it as more acceptable to continue needling them -- and taunting that fact and touting it as a badge of honor -- in order to... do what? She's said she's painting herself as a villain, she's being the Bad Guy, but genuinely, how is that helping plurals? How is this helping further her goals?

She is quite literally attacking her own with this and further aggravating an already clearly traumatized individual. And she constantly does this. From my perspective, it must almost be fun for her, and if I remember correctly, she's admitted it's fun. She revels in it. I can't condone people who sit and just... soak in other people's misery. I have literally been working on overcoming some doubts of mine today due to harassment I received, simply because I said I thought people deserved better than literal death threats. And here she is, just... spreading negativity for negativity's sake. How is that helping anything? Isn't it just putting more negative into the world?

The worst part is, I agree with her on so many things. I have to restrain myself from reblogging her posts to my real blogs (you’re welcome, SAS, this blog isn’t real anymore, you’re free) simply so I can avoid syscourse there as much as possible. I’m also scared too. I’m scared of her. I’m scared to reblog something, both because her eyes might be on me if I do, and because the entire system community on tumblr that touches tulpamancy with a 5 foot pole is watching too. Every single action I do is not only scrutinized by her; it’s scrutinized by the community.

I just… wish there was a better way to spread positivity. I wish there were more The Plurality Of… posts, ones that aren’t written with the direct correlation of “let’s stick it to those anti-endos!” I would love more plural headcanons with the goal, “let’s uplift all plurals!” I try to do this as much as possible, but I’m one man.

I see her with her 😈 rightful anger (and I do believe she is justified in that anger, please don’t think I am saying she shouldn’t be angry, she has gotten so much shit that was undeserved, something I regret deeply playing any part of in the past, and something I want to apologize for now again)… I see her with that anger, and I just wish there were a way to help. I wish there were a way to turn that negativity away. I’ve managed it! I’ve managed to escape it in little ways. What am I doing that’s so different? It’s not because I’m a DID system and she’s not — lord knows I’ve had my fair share of harassment for my existence. It’s not because we’re different syscourse stances — I’m as pro-endo as they come in everything but label. Hell, shocker of all shockers, I’ve come to accept I have willed-to-life alters, so I can even relate to her way of existence, at least to some degree.

And yet, I feel so different from her. And it’s sad to see someone you agree with, someone who you know is just doing their best, causing so much harm for the things you also believe in.

…

So I turn off the TV. And I try not to watch. But in my head, my stupid writer brain gets the monkeys and the typewriters out. And it goes to town.

In my head, I’ve written a story where I sit down with her. Sometimes it’s discord, sometimes it’s via tumblr asks back and forth, and too often to count it’s some nebulous cafe somewhere where I’m drinking hot chocolate and she’s drinking some sort of white chocolate coffee. Not sure why that’s what I imagine, but it makes sense to me.

And I just… talk to her. Like a person. We set aside syscourse entirely and have a proper sysconversation. We talk about plurality and our feelings about it; we talk about how my disorder impacts me in similar and different ways to her tulpamancy; we even discuss how this very fanfiction-like-dream is, in a way, plural in of itself, because i don’t control what she says, not willingly. I guess she got her dream, an anti-endo (in a way) with a Sophie introject (in a way).

And I laugh, and she laughs, and it’s good.

And then I go online and see the latest callout post about why Sophie is a bad person. And I sigh, because I know they never work, and I personally know how traumatizing it is to have a callout post detailing everything you’ve ever done wrong.

And then I write up this, feeling like a hypocrite. But I want her to know, I’m not trying to paint her as evil. I don’t think she is. I think she’s just… a person, trying her best, and this is me publicly saying I disagree with her methods.

I hope the show reaches a final season soon. Maybe a spinoff series will get made. Crossover episode when? I vote for Sophie Through The Looking Glass as a sequel series name.