#mod rumple

[acesovertwenty]

Hi, im a 24 year old lesbian & I need some friendly advice. I recently realized that I'm almost certainly asexual. Before coming out in Sept I always figured my lack of interest in sex with dudes was because I didn't like guys, & that I would enjoy it when I finally came out & mingle with women. Except now I'm out & mingling & realize that I'm just not sexually interested at all. So how do you navigate thru such a sexually-active community as an adult when you aren't sexually active?

Honestly? Sometimes with great difficulty. Sexual expectations and compulsory sexuality are issues that are deeply rooted in most modern societies and asexuality is not nearly commonly understood enough.

My suggestion is to take one challenge at a time and surround you with people who at least try to understand you and your needs and have respect for the fact that you are asexual. Meeting and talking to other aces can also alleviate some of the social pressure by giving you a safe space in which to talk to people.

Remember that we are here if you need us.

-Mod Rumple

[acesovertwenty]

help how do I tell my bi friend I’m not comfortable with comments like “oh yeah she likes dick ;)))))”

I’ve been the token straight friend for so long but I don’t understand my experience or attractions in such sexual terms & am hurt by the insinuation that either a) I’m attracted to anyone w a penis BECAUSE of their penis or b) every man or masc-presenting person I could possibly b attracted to has a penis

like I get it friend you like dudes and chicks and I don’t like chicks so “lmao dicks all the way lmao fukkin right??”

but my a-spec ass just gets more & more uncomfortable every time it happens. & like the other side of it is I think she mayb lowkey sees a-spec peeps as basically straight anyway? Or the A is secondary to “other attractions” (ew). Idk we haven’t discussed it. But if I ask her to stop I’m worried she might see it as me like encroaching on queer spaces (bc I haven’t felt “sga” yet and don’t expect to). Ahhhhh ew ew just a lot of anxiety I guess bc we’re v close

(i say masc-presenting bc it’s the best way i can think of to refer to, like, people we see on the street & know nothing about. I’m happy to learn better terms tho.)

The simple answer to this is to tell your friend that kind of behaviour and language makes you uncomfortable. As to whether or not you are comfortable disclosing your sexuality to people is entirely down to you.

There are a lot of unfair and untrue things said about asexuals such as that we are basically gay/straight/bi anyway, which is as unfair as calling a pansexual bi. We are not those things, we are Ace, that is who we are. As to whether or not your friend thinks those things, that I cannot know (nor can you) unless you confront them about it.

I would suggest you talk to your friend, if they really do care about you, it is not an unreasonable expectation that they not do things to make you deliberately uncomfortable and attempt to understand your needs and sexuality better. The only way to find out is to ask.

-Mod Rumple

[acesovertwenty]

Hi! Something happened to me right now, not the first time too. I’m Ace, and I was just waiting for a bus home, which never showed up. Some guy stopped to give me a lift, but when he droped me off, he wanted my number and to go have drink with him sometime. I find this so uncomfortable. He obviously felt attracted to me, and that’s just a turnoff. I know I can’t really meet people if I don’t hang out with them, but I can’t do that if I sense his first thoughts were ‘oh what an attractive girl, maybe I’ll score a date’. If my first contact with a person is through sexual attraction on their side, I don’t really want anything to do with them. People then look at me as if I’m made wrong. Can I have some reasurrance, please? It really shook me… Thanks

I understand completely, but firstly let me say that there is no right to the expectation of anything from you in a situation like this. It is not a quid pro quo act that requires anyone to “go on a date” or provide anything in exchange. You do not get implicit rewards for being a decent human being, nor are people exchange machines in which you place good acts and kindness in return for a relationship or dates.

Yes this situation makes me uncomfortable, both to observe and be part of (although I’m not a pretty girl, or a girl of any description), the expectation that I ‘should’ be dating someone because of something greatly irritates me. That being said, I’m harsher towards strangers in this situation as being romantically pursued by friends upsets me more, I don’t like hurting people I care about.

There is nothing at all strange about finding the situation uncomfortable (even my allo friends do) but if you want to meet people and socialise, with romantic intent or not, I would suggest that the best way to do that is on your own terms, in an environment that makes you comfortable. Meeting people with whom you share a hobby (or even a local ace group) is a less daunting than a date where you feel pressured with unfair expectations.

Your feelings are completely valid and I would suggest meeting people on your own terms.

-Mod Rumple

[acesovertwenty]

That feeling when EVERY SINGLE friend of yours has a partner now and they want to meet with you but you know you'll be the ultimate third wheel........... :-) Sorry, it's just...I want to cry because I feel like I have no one to escape to anymore...

I know those feels friend... :(

Don’t worry, you’re not alone. As difficult as it can be at times, it sounds like your friends want to introduce you to their partners because you’re a really great friend and an important part of their life. That can only be a good thing, but if you’re feeling alone theasexuality blog has great places to meet new aces:

http://www.theasexualityblog.com/

If you’re ever feeling lonely, remember that there are so many of us out there waiting to be friends with you.

[acesovertwenty]

Hi, I'm really struggling with my identity, I've ID'd as ace for the past couple of years, but recently got into a relationship with someone who is very respectful of boundaries. When I'm with them, we kiss and touch etc which leads to me getting turned on, and I don't need sexual touch or anything, but it's nice. I recently lost my virginity to them because I love them and it feels nice, but I can't tell if I'm experiencing sexual attraction or not! Please help ☹️

Hi there, understanding the different kinds of attraction when you experience them can be difficult. Some kinds of attraction like romantic, sensual and sexual attraction are often confusing as they can often be intertwined. As is libido which is the desire for sex, which in of itself is not always part of sexual attraction.

In reality plenty of aces experience sexual attraction under certain circumstances, this is very common with grey aces and demisexuals like myself (which is like a subset of grey ace if you will...). I would suggest you look into these sexualities, though that being said you are the only person who can really know how you feel and can judge what kinds of attraction you feel or not.

Also, I would stress that while it may be important to you that you understand yourself better, what truly matters in this situation is that you are comfortable with yourself and your partner and it sounds like that is the case. Don’t worry, these things often take time to understand fully (I still don’t understand everything about my sexual/ romantic orientation), but it sounds like you’re in a good place right now and I’m happy for you.

-Mod Rumple

[acesovertwenty]

I didn't realise I was ace until about April this year. I'd never been sexually attracted to anyone, of course I didn't know that because I assumed everyone was like me. I didn't realise sexual attraction was a thing! It certainly all adds up as to why I've never found anyone "hot" or "sexy". I just though people meant that they look pretty! I do get romantically attracted. I happy with who I am.. But sometimes it bothers me that I don't know what sexual attraction feels like..

Thanks for sharing. I completely understand where you’re coming from, much like you, I’ve struggled with understanding different forms of attachment too, but I’m glad you’re comfortable with yourself. As a demisexual I could tell you that I know what sexual attraction feels like, but I honestly don’t know that its the same for everyone. For me its just a desire to what is the most intimate act I can conceive with someone very special. I somehow don’t think that’s entirely the same as many of my Allo friends who discern a physical pleasure and desire from it that I don’t really experience.

I know it may bother you that you don’t really know what that kind of attraction feels like, but one important thing I’ve learned since identifying as Ace is that when you uncouple sexual (and then even romantic feelings) from a situation you can begin to appreciate other forms of attraction much more and enjoy them for what they are, without being pressured into believing that they’re part of something else.

It is who we are at the end of the day, maybe there is a part of life we are missing out on, but my experience encourages me to believe that there are whole lot more ranges of experiences and relationships that its possible to enjoy without the influence of compulsory sexuality or sexualism.

I am so glad that you’re able to share this positive experience with everyone!

-Mod Rumple

[acesovertwenty]

How do I differentiate between sexual attraction and wanting sex, but with a specific person in mind, a as "logical choice" because they are the only one I have ever had sex with?

If I understand your question correctly your question is about sexual need (libido) in contrast to sexual attraction. These are not specifically the same thing. As colourfully explained by an asexual friend, think of it this way: just because you are hungry, it does not mean that you will like anything on the menu of the restaurant you are eating at. 

The same applies to sex. It is more than possible to desire sex but find no one sexually appealing. I know a good few aces of which this is true on a permanent basis.

In relation to your attraction or libido towards specific people, this is a dynamic and fluid concept and there are many kinds of grey asexuals for instance who feel attraction or arousal in only specific situations or towards specific people. As a demisexual this is also true of me.

If you have only had sex with one person and only desire that one person there is nothing particularly abnormal about that in the ace community but as to your levels of attraction and libido, only you can truly discern what they are in any given situation.

I hope this helps you understand your situation better.

-Mod Rumple

[acesovertwenty]

uh, i know this blog is for aces over twenty, but i just… i need, i don't even know, validation? i'm not sixteen yet and i'm dreading adulthood, because what if i'm not actually ace/aro/nb, what if i'm just in a phase, i'll grow out of it or something? i don't want to, but i'm afraid i will. so, if you could just… answer to this ask "i'm adult and i'm ace" or something, thanks a lot. /internet if-you're-ok-with-it hug/ and thank you for taking your time.

Hi there. If you’re looking for validation, the act of addressing your sexuality and romantic orientation before the age of 16 is not something upon which your opinion is invalid. You are the only person who is equipped to determine either. Sexual and romantic orientations are fluid and whilst you might fear that your modes of attraction may change this is not a bad thing. You are going to spend the rest of your life learning about yourself and how that relates to other people. I’m 28 years old and nowhere near able to tell you everything about my sexual or romantic orientation.

If your orientations change, then don’t worry, these things are fluid and may change again, but really there is no “bad” orientation amongst heterosexuals or MOGAI sexualities. Just try to learn more about yourself and remember that change isn’t necessarily a bad thing, you’re likely to have plenty of that in your life in the next decade or so. 

In the mean time I highly recommend the blog:

aceproblems.tumblr.com

It very much deals with some of the issues affecting younger aces. I would absolutely recommend you look into it. I hope this makes things easier for you!

-Mod Rumple