Name: Toad
Debut: Super Mario Bros. 2
Sit your ass down and listen the fuck up. We need to talk about the most badass motherfucker in the Mushroom Kingdom. We need to talk about
mother
fucking
Toad.
I can already hear you with your “but toad was in the first game he says your princess is in another castle” NO he fucking isn’t. These are just Toads, not THE Toad, and you will put respect on his name. I don’t give a shit if it’s confusing that he shares his name with his entire species. It’s raw as hell. It’s him just declaring himself the best out of his entire species, and they all go along with it, because he’s fucking Toad, understand? Good.
Super Mario Bros. 2 is where Toad made his REAL debut, and immediately made it clear what’s what around here. Not only is he the fastest, leaving those other assholes in the dust, he’s the STRONGEST. This little shit is pure POWER. He’s also all blue in this game, just to prove that he can do whatever he wants, it’s not going to change the fact that he’s fucking TOAD.
Mario Kart wouldn’t be shit if Toad wasn’t in every goddamn installment, and they know it. TOAD knows it. In Mario Kart 64, he is not only voiced by the legendary Isaac Marshall, but he’s known for proclaiming “I’m the best!”, because of course he would. Anyone else saying this would sound like a fucking asshole, but when Toad says it, it’s a fact. Are you going to argue against that? He has his own fucking turnpike. But that’s nothing compared to some other tracks.
You KNOW Mario Kart 7 is not fucking around when the first track it throws at you is TOAD CIRCUIT. That’s right, not Mario Circuit or Luigi Circuit. Toad Fucking Circuit. This track’s layout is deceptively simple, but then you see the massive Toad balloons all over the place, and holy fucking shit this is badass as hell. No other starting circuit comes close.
Then they brought it back for the Booster Course Pass and oh my fucking god. Toad Circuit, in HD. They went out of their way to model the goddamn HANDS on the Toad balloons this time. They did NOT need to go this hard, but they did, and you just know fucking Toad himself must have pulled some strings with the higher-ups to make his course really stand out compared to the others from the wave, which frankly look like shit.
What more do you really need me to say about Toad? The fucking body horror implications of his attack in Smash, where he sprays spores as a counter? Imagine inhaling that and having thousands of little Toads growing in your fucking LUNGS. Jesus Christ.
I’ll just leave you with the fact that Toad has become more popular than ACTUAL TOADS. Holy shit.
