#mod: e

[straighthzd]

Everyday I live in fear this blog will manifest something terrible into Forbidden West

[goodlesbianadvice]

Hey I’m bisexual not lesbian so I hope this is okay but I have been out to myself and my close friends for about 5 years now, which is huge and a step I never thought I would have the courage to take. Unfortunately I find that I still deal with a lot of self-regulating— for example my immediate response to sexual thoughts about a woman is to shut it down and panic. I know logically there’s nothing wrong with what I’m doing but my brain is so entrenched!

I apologize for the late response, I really wish the messages didn’t get mixed up with my own, that’s how I missed this. Nevertheless, you still deserve a response. 

I think it’s perfectly fine for bisexual women to submit questions as long as it has to do with questions related to same-gendered attraction and relationships between women. That said, I actually recently answered a question from another lesbian that is very similar. In fact I would give you pretty much the same answer so I would recommend checking it out. However, I do also want to give you a direct response.

Compulsory heterosexuality affects all women, regardless of sexual attraction. It’s natural to struggle with these feelings, and I feel like the greatest balm is seeking out other people like us, especially other people struggling like compulsory heterosexuality the way I have. When I saw that same problem being talked about by other women; it actually did a lot for me and my feelings of being “fake” with my attraction towards women. Knowing it’s a product of a society that desperately wants women to end up with men, I can forgive myself for those feelings.

Regardless of how much oppression has shaped your feelings towards women, and regardless the gender of the person you may eventually fall in love with, you’re attraction to women is real. Take your time, let yourself heal, find lesbian and bi media to connect with, find lesbian and bi women you can talk to, and not just online if possible. Either way, the more you connect with other lesbians and bisexual women, the more you will feel a part of it, the more you will be able to work through your feelings of attraction. I sincerely hope you’re attraction to women starts to feel more real and at home with your identity.

- mod e

[straighthzd]

There is an incredibly shoehorned in love triangle between Aloy, Erend, and Avad. Aloy eventually goes with Avad at the end of three games so she can become sun queen. This is played as incredibly feminist.

[goodlesbianadvice]

Any advice for feeling like the sex you have is 'not enough' not in a it hasn't been fulfilling way bc tho I've only been with one woman, it was good, but with that feeling of "ok but what you're doing is Not Really Sex and you'll never actually experience Real Sex (aka piv I guess?) and you're doing it Wrong" idk it just gets me down a lot lately, and it sometimes makes it hard to masturbate bc lately whenever I imagine two women interacting sexually I get this feeling which is such a turn off

What we consider to be “real” sex is highly influenced by society, a society controlled by men who view their pleasure as the ultimate goal of sex. Our society also primarily views sex as a means to an end, children. With the combination of men obsessed with their penises and pleasure and the patriarchy’s desire to control women and their reproductive capabilities, it’s no wonder that PIV sex is viewed as the ultimate sex act. Now add in a dash of media that always depicts sex as PIV and it’s no wonder that it’s ingrained in so many people’s heads that PIV is sex, and everything else is foreplay or a “sex act”. (Which btw, influences what we call rape vs sexual assualt, but thats another discussion)

I’ve seen many a study and conversations with women that talk about how they almost never orgasm during PIV sex. So what is sex exactly? Is it orgasms or is it PIV? Personally I view sex as any act with two or more people involving the stimulation of genitals to acheive orgasm. I remember thinking I must be a virgin because I only ever did sex acts and not PIV, and yet when I finally did, it did nothing for me, and didn’t change anything about me. It was then I realized how meaningless and shame inducing the virgin label can be. It was also around that time I dropped the bisexual label and embraced being a lesbian. I also stopped worring about how sexually active I was and whether or not that gave me “lesbian cred”, none of that changes who I fundamentally am.

That said, if the type of sex you are having is not fulfilling for you, then maybe you do need to change things up. Some lesbian couples do not want anything to do with dildos and have a wonderful sex life, and others enjoy all the sex toys the want and have a wonderful sex life. All that matters is you’re two consenting adults. It might be worth it to buy a sex toy or two (I know online sex shops have gotten great about being descrete) and try that when masturbating. Maybe that will help you figure out what’s fulfilling for you.

-mod e

I get entirely what you mean, anon. As mod e said above, society is entirely obsessed with PIV as being the ‘center’ of real sex, and I think the influence of the media (esp porn) centers dick so much it’s hard to see anything else as Real Sex. I don’t know if you’ve used porn frequently in the past, but I think the fact that it builds up to the male orgasm and its visual aspects influences seeing any sex without a dick involved as “not enough.”

My view of sex is that it’s anything people engage in for sexual pleasure. In my experience with my wife, there’s often no finite “end” to lesbian sex - it’s just a matter of when we get too tired to keep going or get oversensitive. Though sex can be about more about orgasms, I do think they’re important, and making sure to 100% take in every aspect of them when they happen (whether its for yourself, watching your partner, or in your imagining) can make things very fulfilling. Building up to it with dirty talk can make it seem like much more of a climax, which might help a bit with feeling like the sex two women have doesn’t count.

From the wording of your ask, I’m not sure if you have an active sex life at the moment (or if this is primarily an issue with not finding fulfilling fantasies), but as mod e suggested, switching things up can help. Sex toys (dildos and not) can be really enjoyable and open things up both in the sensation sense and the “sex acts” sense. And for fantasies…I’m definitely someone who enjoys to read/write erotica, and I think finding a new story or a new pairing to read about can get things going when your own imagination feels a bit dry. Sometimes dynamics can be more important to satisfaction than acts in themselves.

- mod d

[goodlesbianadvice]

basic rundown: i identified as ace for most of my life, either suppressed my libido or naturally never developed one, now i have no idea "how" to be attracted to people but when i try it only feels right thinking about women. how do i proceed? there are no resources for (questioning) lesbians in my school/town. if yall need more info just ask, i know this is vague, sorry

Mod j will probably have better advice with this, since she’s actually had times where she id’d as ace, but I’ll try and provide some insight as well.

At least for me, I consider attraction to be a natural, unconscious-type thing, while arousal/fantasy is something a lot more active that varies a lot from person to person. For me, the easiest way to start really recognizing and acting on my attraction to women was just…going for it, when I felt attraction to a particular woman, whether that was girls I met on places like OKCupid or (eventually) my now-wife.  It’s a lot easier to let feelings flow in that context than in reaction to a general concept of “women.”

If there aren’t local resources, then I think it can be really helpful to start immersing yourself in online communities, even if its just particular lesbians on tumblr or facebook groups. Some of them can be crappy (esp depending on your age), but making individual connections to lesbians can help a lot with achieving a sense of “normalcy” for attraction to women that you can’t get anywhere else.

I apologize again for not having the most particular insight on this – but my best advice is to just let yourself think/feel things freely, whether that’s a female fictional character catching your eye or some cute girl at the grocery store making you feel fluttery even after you leave. I think overtime, that can get you more comfortable with the idea of being a lesbian and a future relationship with a woman, if you want to pursue that.

- mod d

i identified as asexual for a few years in high school and i can relate! this may take work, but that’s ok. when you’ve suppressed for a long time, it’s not about trying to force yourself to feel or go after something, but rather about teaching yourself that there’s room for you to have these feelings. it sounds to me you’re not at the “going for it” stage yet. so let’s work on that. 

i’m responding to this based on my own experiences, but the starting point might be thinking of yourself as a sexual person in the first place. in a way this is building the confidence/getting used to the idea that you can experience sexual attraction and have it reciprocated. if you don’t normally masturbate, start doing that! how do you feel about another woman seeing you naked? if you have mental blocks about that, try to work out what they are specifically. (it’s normal to feel nervous or shy but if you’re like “absolutely not, no one will ever see or touch me,” that’s worth thinking about more.)

so let’s say now you have some libido and abstract interest in sex but you’re having trouble really seeing it as a concrete thing you’d desire. for me i kinda had some exercises to do. i’m gonna tell you something: it’s okay to look at real women and have fantasies.  so if you have a cute friend? it’s okay to think about, how would i feel about kissing her? if you feel a pull towards a woman, it’s okay to think about her physically and figure out what exactly did that for you. assuming you’re not becoming creepily obsessive about it,  these desires are normal and healthy and not hurting anyone! so once i started doing this i eventually started having ~sexy dreams~ that really kicked my butt into realizing i was a lesbian and not asexual.

another thing you could try is movies or books! assuming you haven’t already. but seeing lesbians and lesbian desire as a real thing was important. (i also had the advantage, i’m gonna be real, of cyber chatrooms lmao…where i could “experiment” virtually. i don’t think those exist anymore tho.) how do you feel when you watch or read sexy scenes? what about them makes you feel that way? that might help you get a handle on what you’re attracted to.

i hope i understood your question right and that this was helpful. if not, feel free to come back with more! but i’ve been where you are. and it’s okay, too, if you always have a low (or even non-existent) libido. that happens! i answered this assuming that’s something you don’t think is the “real” you, but as long as you’ve taken the opportunity to explore it and know you’re not suppressing it, it can be fine. either way, good luck :)

- mod j

I can understand where you’re coming from, I was raised catholic and the shame they taught me around matters of sex and sexuality left it’s mark on me. It’s part of the reason I didn’t come out until I was 26. Figuring out your attractions while simultaneously having a very complicated relationship to sex is never easy. However, your sexuality isn’t just about sex. The asexual identifier is very much just about sex, and the community has consistently pushed homophobic notions that being gay or bi is also just about sex. It’s not. A child can have a crush and realize she is a lesbian and there’s nothing sexual about that.

Now, we live in a society where one key aspect of homophobia is all about the sex we have. We are told from birth how gross and wrong sodomy is. We have the double whammy of misogyny telling everyone how disgusting vaginas are. No one can escape these sorts of messages in our society, so it’s no surprise that people with same-sex attraction can feel confused. We internalize that gay sex is gross, and of course we don’t want that so we must not be gay!

Here’s the thing, you can remove sex and your libido from the equation and continue to interogate your thoughts and feelings to figure out if you’re a lesbian. Recognizing right now you feel something for women is good start. I would say continue questioning your attractions and don’t even bring sex into it. Even if you figure out you’re a lesbian, and still find you have issues with libido/sex, it doesn’t make you any less of lesbian.

There’s no therapy for this kind of thing, but I know I have found it a comfort to talk to other lesbians who have issues with sex and libido too. I felt like a fake lesbian for a long time because I couldn’t date women, and yet i couldn’t date women bc my own mental illnesses prevented me from dating anyone. And yet, I am a lesbian. I found it to be an intrinsic part of who I am. And even if I may end up a forever single lesbian, I’m still a lesbian bc my attraction and passions will always be about women, even if I’m not sexually active.

It’s possible figuring out your attraction may help clear things up for you and your libido, but if it doesn’t, you’re still not alone. I wish you the best in figuring things out for yourself.

mod e

[isakyaki]

now all I'm waiting is for Isak to post a picture of Even in their new appartment on his instagram. :D

true! 👀👀

[isakyaki]

What is isakyaki supposed to mean??

heyy! yaki is a cooking method in japanese cuisine and isak’s ig bio says ‘a japanese side-dish’ so isakyaki as his ig name is probably just a pun about his love for japanese food lmao