#monastery mumbles

[altamaria]

This is the first holiday season where I feel so anxious and confused. Usually, with schooling and the types of jobs I'd had, I looked forward to the days and weeks of seasonal liberation. Now, I approach Christmas with a unique sense of dread.

Normally, I am financially comfortable enough to buy gifts for all of my family members and close friends. Now, I feel like I must be a failure if I can't do the same this year despite being between jobs for half of the year. I dig into savings and debt to populate our tree and add it toward the list of things that must pass. I hope I can pay it all off in time.

[altamaria]

i was young and sweet then something happened

[altamaria]

The weak breeze whispers nothing

The water screams sublime

His feet shift, teeter-totter

Deep breath, stand back, it’s time

Toes untouch the overpass

Soon he’s water bound

Eyes locked shut but peek to see

The view from halfway down

A little wind, a summer sun

A river rich and regal

A flood of fond endorphins

Brings a calm that knows no equal

You’re flying now

You see things much more clear than from the ground

It’s all okay, it would be

Were you not now halfway down

Thrash to break from gravity

What now could slow the drop

All I’d give for toes to touch

The safety back at top

But this is it, the deed is done

Silence drowns the sound

Before I leaped I should’ve seen

The view from halfway down

I really should’ve thought about

The view from halfway down

I wish I could’ve known about

The view from halfway down

[altamaria]

I think the hardest thing about severe depression is that you constantly want to be over that hill and be better when in reality you'll always be chasing the version of yourself that is mentally safe.

I want to do all these home projects, and get back to my hobbies, and show up as a friend that is deserving of the people around me, but instead the functional person from last week isn't the person I am this week, and we're back to square one.

Back to apologizing for not answering messages, back to canceling plans, back to crying over how unorganized the apartment is. Just another series of letdowns. Just a wish that next time, I won't fall this hard again. But I will.

[altamaria]

Was talking to a coworker about grief and she said her dad was terminally ill and once told her "you have to get to know my Jesus and then you'll see me in everything even when im gone"

I hope i get to know the pieces of god that shape you so I won't have to live without you

[altamaria]

In another life, I wasn't damaged before I had a chance to live. I see a me that never hungered and hurt. She doesn't know fingers on her throat or the weight of a knife on her skin. Her body isn't a feeling and her mind is free.

[altamaria]

"I will feel it as deeply and express it as violently as I please."

[altamaria]

In a 168 hour week, I spend about 130 alone if I take off my in office hours and a little bit here and there for groceries/errands.

Streaming is an immense outlet to not feel this solitude so entirely. It would not be possible without the substantial wait of her soft fur and warmth in my arms, pressed against my ribs when I sleep.

I love you, my sweet corgi Maya. You've saved me over and over again.