Sure Fire Ways to Financially Bullet Proof Your Relationship
Photo by Francesco Ungaro on Unsplash
Me and my fiancee have been together for almost 8 years now, and we have been through almost the entire gamut of employment and income situations. When Vee and me first met we were both in high school, summer school honors program, to be exact. Neither one of us had a job, but we had big ideas, and expectations about the job market that were completely unfounded. As we got older, we both struggled to find work, and it wasn't until I got my pharmacy technician's license that we had a modicum of regular income. When I say modicum, I mean about $500/month. We managed to save a good portion of our incomes no matter how sporadic, and believe me, this was not easy. We fought about things as simple as picking up a value menu meal to split, we were so poor. It took this experience, a lot more challenges, and a few screaming matches (I'm ashamed to say), for us to realize that we needed to have an ongoing conversation around our finances. We were perfectly comfortable speaking about the big goals and dreams, and we were pretty much on the same page with these, and we even agreed on how we were going to reach these goals. However, this does not mean that everything was perfect. We felt pressure from our parents to find more and better work, when none existed where we were living at the time. We had huge fights for 2 or 3 Christmas seasons in a row because we were not making very much, but we still felt pressure to buy gifts for everyone in the family. There is no need to go into the specifics of these fights but I feel like if you are still reading you may agree with me that you could learn from our mistakes and use the following as a list of topics to weave into this ongoing conversation about finances you and your significant other should regularly be having.
That's the point of this article. Conversations that need to be had, questions need to be asked, and values need to be defined and either agreed on or compromised on, especially when it comes to large purchases, credit use and management, and the kids and their futures.
Here are some suggestions from my personal experience:
Conversations to Have:
1. What are your spending habits? Can you make them work together?
2. What are your individual attitudes towards the desire for, and acquisition of large assets i.e. land, a house, a business, a rental property? -What are your goals and expectations for these assets?
3. What is the cutoff for telling your spouse about purchases? This can be sticky subject. Some people want to know every single purchase you make (be wary of this behavior, you are entitled to your own money, and control of it. I would temper this warning with a huge helping of responsibility for the material support of others, self-awareness, and a warning that everyone in the house deserves some level of input into the family finances). And some people want to completely separate their finances, which is fine, but you need to establish how you will handle joint expenses and assets including how you would like your children's inheritance to be split up, regardless of which of you passes first. Please be prepared for the legal ramifications of keeping married people's finances separate. You may need to look into establishing a trust, you may need to be more explicit with your wishes than the standard boilerplate will, or at the very least, set up an account specifically for legal fees associated with your estate to avoid leaving your children without an inheritance, and possibly footing an unwieldy legal bill on top of it.
4. What are your individual attitudes around credit usage?
5. What are your values around children? Do you feel the need to buy your children toys, gifts, and treats every time you leave the house with them? Does your partner? What do you want to model for your children financially? How do you want to teach them about money? What are your own shortcomings in your understanding of finance, and money management?
6. How will you plan for the future? Both your own and your children? Is it important that you be financially stable before you have children? What do you want your children's future's to look like? Do you want to save for college specifically, or for any eventual path that they may want to take?
7. What are your attitudes around technology? Do you like to be an early adopter? Are you more hesitant? How much of the budget are you willing to invest in or save for new tech?
8. Do you like subscription services? What are you and your partner's attitudes around these? (I personally recommend that you avoid these like the plague, but who asked me?)
9. How much are you willing to spend on holidays, birthdays, and get togethers? This goes hand in hand with a conversation you should also be having about the role that your individual families will play in your life. My fiancee has a decently sized immediate family and we have had to plan for a lot of gifts and get togethers, something I didn't know to expect coming from an immediate family with a total of 3 members, including myself.
10. What do you want your careers to look like? You would hate to enter into a relationship, or even marry someone, only to find out that they fully expected you to quit your job, or otherwise scale back the minute your family needs childcare. What are your expectations of your and your partner's ability to provide financially? Will a sudden and ongoing job loss (for either of you) cause you to reevaluate your choice in partner? For some it would. Which is why you need to have these conversations!
Actions to Take:
1. Do not spend a crazy amount on the wedding, without good cause i.e. cultural expectation. I am not here to tell you how to practice your traditions or faith. However, I strongly recommend you avoid incurring debt when paying for the wedding regardless of how much you need to spend.
2. Do set up at least one jointly owned account to handle recurring joint expenses. This helps more if both partners have regular income.
3. Do have at least one separate personal savings account for each of you. You can assign large goals to these accounts, such as using one for saving for a wedding and another as your family emergency savings. Or you could keep them completely separate and ensure that you both always maintain some level of autonomy and separation. Mad money is a good thing.
4. Keep the lines of communication going. Usually someone will accept the mantel of "the one who manages the money", and sometimes that arrangement works. That's definitely still ok. However, both partners need to have a say in the finances in general, and this happens by having regular conversations to keep everyone up to date, and to allow both partners to air grievances, and provide constructive input into how you both could manage the financial part of your relationship. If one person is a spender, and one is a saver, this will take a lot more work and willingness to compromise on certain individual goals. These conversations will need to keep these differences front and center to avoid a buildup of resentment.
5. Learn the signs of abuse, manipulation, and specifically gaslighting. Protect yourself, know yourself, and make your own decisions, while still allowing the people you love to have a place in your decision making process without completely commandeering it. This includes kids, parents, distant relatives, partners, and even friends. Everyone you invite into your life has the potential to hurt you, or want something from you, be aware of the common tactics that people use to part you with your money.
