#monk.txt

[cambriancrew]

As a median system where each of us has parts, but who do not consider ourselves polyminds...and just going based on what we've seen from those who do identify as polyminds...

I feel like the biggest difference between medians and polyminds is that even in a median system where each facet is dependent on a central person (which isn't how our system works)...

There's still more separation and individuality in a median system than there is in a polymind.

And sure, at the closer to singlet side of the median spectrum it's going to be a lot harder to distinguish and at that point it's likely going to be up to the individual to determine if they're a system or not.

But from what we've seen from ourselves and other medians we know, there's a crucial level of differentation between facets/systemmates that's significantly lessened in a polymind. We're not simple modes of one person. We're not subpersonalities. We're individuals in our own right, or mostly so.

I'm not "Willow but not argumentative." I'm Shiloh Willow, and I'm a full human being: I have my own hopes, dreams, values, emotions, behavior, etc. So do each of my fellow Willows.

An imperfect analogy would be that, within a darkened house representing the body, polyminds are one lamp with different colored lenses being swapped out. Medians are a group of mini lamp heads on the lamp stand. Multiple systems are separate lamps in entirely different rooms.

At least this is my current understanding.

Hope this helps!

[cambriancrew]

Happy Disability Pride month to disabled plurals! 💜

To those with CDDs.

To those with mental health issues.

To those with intellectual and developmental disabilities.

To those with learning disorders.

To those with sensory disabilities.

To those whose neurodivergencies are disabling.

To those with physical disabilities.

To all the other forms I'm sure I forgot to mention.

You are not an inconvenience. You are not a burden. You are not unlovable.

You are seen. You are heard. You are wanted. You are valued.

Today, this month, and always. 💜

[cambriancrew]

Shiloh Willow here.

I've been thinking a bit lately about anger. It's a very foreign emotion to me, though some of my headmates have carried a lot of it so i have a sort of understanding of it.

I can be upset and frustrated. But I wouldn't say I'm ever truly angry, except in a kind of very dulled, distant way. It's like I'm borrowing a small piece of the emotion instead of truly owning it.

We were taught conflicting things about anger growing up: the church lessons of how it's a dangerous emotion that leads to sin. The anger in history in fights for civil rights. The dangerous, explosive anger of our parents. The defensive, protective anger of ourselves towards them.

As a young adult, we read a book that really shaped a large part of our current view of anger: anger as a useful tool for gathering the energy needed to create change. That book is A Wizard Alone by Diane Duane. One of the main characters is dealing with the anger stage of grief, and is reminded of how useful her anger was when fighting the cancer that eventually killed her mother.

Anger is an emotion that pushes for action.

And it can be useful. It's powerful, and capable of creating great changes.

But it's also volatile and if unchecked can cause great harm.

A verse that's often taken out of context but that I hold dear is the proverb "In your anger, do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your wrath." People use it to justify "don't go to bed angry with your partner" when that's not always the actual best course of action. Some anger needs time to dissipate, and some things are worth staying angry about until they're resolved - you don't need to capitulate on things that really matter just for a false peace.

But the key thing in it is that first part: "in your anger do not sin." We'd rephrase that as "in your anger be wise and mindful of what you're doing." As "In your anger don't harm the innocent." "Don't say things when angry that you'll regret when calm."

I think that's an especially important thing right now. There's a lot of anger in syscourse today. Some of it is absolutely good and beneficial: it's defensive, and protective; it's fighting energy for supporting what's just and fair, and for righting wrongs and calling out injustice and bigotry.

And some of it is being used to fuel injustice, bigotry, and hatred. For attacking out of a sense of vengeance, not justice.

I think so long as you're mindful of where you're focusing your anger, and what you're doing with it, and letting it be the passion that fuels positive change instead of a wildfire that burns everything in its path impartially and without mercy...

Then it's good.

Be angry, and in your anger do no harm to the innocent.

[cambriancrew]

Ironic how your Willow is the only one who isn't created, lol

It still cracks me up that AWA read a post of ours in the syscourse tag where we referred to "us-Willows", assumed first that we were talking about willogenics, and then when we corrected that assumption assumed we are anti-willo. Two wrongs in a row, buddy! XD

[cambriancrew]

"You can't compare transness with plurality because unlike being a system, gender isn't real!"

If it's not real then why am I dysphoric when anyone refers to me with a female or male gender attached? It certainly feels real enough to affect me.

Genders are boxes we put around certain kinds of experiences and perspectives. The labels are made up, the boxes are sensible for the most part but still imaginary, but the contents of the boxes are still very much real.

Much like plurality. The boxes we put around it - these experiences and perspectives go in this box with this label, these others go in this other one with that label, etc - are just as imaginary as the boxes we put around gender. But the contents are still real.

[cambriancrew]

Just a few stray thoughts about dysphoria:

I may be nonbinary, but I don't have dysphoria around gender specifically, just general dysphoria around having a body at all. Figuring this out is a lot easier now that we have headmates who do have gender dysphoria, including Varyn who didn't have it until we gained weight and became more feminine-shaped. Varyn and the other guys' dysphoria is attached more strongly to certain gendered terms and body structures/features (breasts, how a higher voice is considered more feminine) and mine is the same for everything bodywise - having feet and legs is just as dysphoria-inducing as having curves.

Like it feels strange to have this weight sitting cross legged on a chair and it having this pressure on my hips and thighs. I shouldn't be sitting, I should be floating. Gravity is a literal pain in the ass. My head shouldn't be heavy. My arms shouldn't ache from me leaning on them on my desk. I shouldn't even have feet and legs - not all the time anyway. My face shouldn't look like this. What do you mean it's stuck in this one shape. I shouldn't need glasses except as a fashion accessory. What do you mean I'm legally blind without them.

Just... Bodies. Ugh.

My sense of gender is just it's something my body has, but not something I myself have. The disconnect is strong there. I'm pretty firm in the understanding that I am not my body. I HAVE a body, I AM a mind and soul. I don't particularly dislike my body - it's useful, and I try to be gentle and kind to it - but it's not Me.

Bodies blehgh

[cambriancrew]

You know, for someone with a very peaceful personality and chill demeanor? I like pretty aggressive music. Some metal (and I'm the only one in our system who can, to a limited extent, do a metal scream.) High energy EDM. Stuff with pounding bass rhythms and (mildly) dark vibes. I find it cathartic and calming.

I'm not always in the mood for it, but it's enjoyable. 😁

[cambriancrew]

It can be really challenging sometimes to be the mediator in a system that has a very disparate set of views on pretty much everything.

Is the innerworld real?

Yes! No. Sorta. It depends. Some of it is, some is not. Of course it is, why would you even ask.

Are we doing things right?

Yes! No. Sorta. It depends. In some ways yes, in other ways no.

What's the right way to express this?

This way! No, this other way! You're both wrong, you need to do this instead!

What labels fit this experience?

This one! No, this other one! Combine them both! No, no label fits, we should coin our own!

And this translates to our external experiences in the plural community too, as we bridge the gap between psychological explanations and spiritual ones, between wanting evidence to prove our existence and wanting people to just trust us when we say "This is our experience, it's really happening to us." Between wanting to argue and shout and defend, and wanting to make peace and encourage understanding.

For a long time, we just let the current dominant of the Willows cast the deciding vote. But I'm trying for a more egalitarian approach.

For someone as conflict-avoidant, conflict-terrified even as I am... This is really, really challenging.

But it's also the thing I'm best at. And within our system, I'm one of the two best people for the job. (The other being our dear Varyn, who, bless his heart, really tries, but can sometimes be too strongly invested in his own perceptions. Which sometimes is good. Sometimes not.)

But this also means, if I'm not doing a good job at it, if I'm finding it extra difficult ... I don't really have anyone to go to. Which is extra difficult in itself.

And it's also frustrating knowing that I'm going to screw up. I'm going to make mistakes, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and I'm going to hurt people - including those I really care about. And I'm going to encounter people who don't want a mediator, who want someone who's just on their side and very against the other side. Who reject the things I value the most.

But it's still worth doing. And I'm going to keep doing my best.