#monogamistmusing

[monogamistmusing]

How can you care about someone so much, and they care about you too. Yet you end up hurting each other? Time and time again..

[monogamistmusing]

“Are you mad?” You ask...

Yes. And no. Because I’m not JUST mad. I’m pissed off. And insecure. And maybe a little jealous. And hurt. And rejected. And a ton of other stuff. 

Let’s see...You asked me to hang out tonight, then didn’t even want to make the trip down where I am because the “traffic is horrendous.” But it’s fine because you were happy to make the trip yesterday to do a presentation. And then you just told me that you’re making the trip this weekend because you’re going to a party with some people you recently met, which is why you can’t see me this Sunday. The sunday in which you will be having breakfast with your girlfriend. And just mentioning her name kills me inside, and it shouldn’t. Because we’re not together anymore. Because I don’t even like you. But she still has what I’ve always wanted and it kills me, then you mentioning her kills me inside. 

So no I’m not mad...because I have no reason to be mad. I cannot be mad at you. 

Not like I could tell you anyway. Because as you very well told me ages ago, you hate drama. And me having feelings was “drama.” That’s why it’s like this between us now. 

Also, I am SO MAD because this is always the attitude you have. This belief that everything is always fine. Because you’re polyamorous, and you have such an incredible free and loving spirit that I found so attractive. But it can also burn...Because you love everyone, and you can go on and treat everyone as if they’re the most special person. Without any awareness as to how it kills me inside, leaving me feeling like I’ve been used and rejected time and time again. But I can’t tell you that. Because this is just who you are. And these are just my feelings that I have to deal with. And we’re not even together anymore so it’s not my business. 

Yet I want to kill myself when I think about some of the people you’ve been with...

Is this what I have to do to have some sort of a relationship with you though? Constantly swallow my feelings? Constantly sit in this rage? Constantly face rejection because my time isn’t worth it to you anymore now that you can’t sleep with me, and getting high with some hippies this weekend is better than seeing me? Be okay with you teasing me about my innocence? 

Fuck. Yes. I AM MAD. But I feel like I have no right to be anymore. You can do what you want, just don’t talk to me one moment as if I am such a big part of your life, than do this. 

I was good before you called me and walked back into my life. I mean, I don’t even need you anymore. 

But I say this now and will take it all back later on...

[monogamistmusing]

"I know it's just a fantasy, but right now, it's all that can fill me."

[monogamistmusing]

I woke up today feeling so empty. A month ago it would have been because i was missing you. Now I think of you and feel nothing...now it's like I wake up feeling this way because I am missing something, but dont know what. And honestly this is so much worst.