You A-muse me

[monogamistmusing]

If a client talked about a relationship the way you do, would you encourage them to stay in the relationship?

Also yes. I definitely think the better option would be to leave. It’s not healthy. I actually work with clients and am quite good at getting them to see this, and motivating them to make steps to change. But as counsellors/therapists/clinicians etc., it’s always harder when it comes to yourself. I still have this belief that somehow I can make this work, I can still live the the highs and happiness of being with him, without the heartbreak. But I know that I can’t have my cake and eat it too...

[monogamistmusing]

your latest polyamory post spoke to me. It reminded me of an old relationship I was in. I never listened when people told me I should leave him, so I don't expect you'll listen to me now, but, it's so much better to get space and heal. You can't heal with him close especially if he's not helping you. There are better people out there, a better life to be living. I hope things get better for you.

I thank you lovely anon for your words (gosh i didn’t think anyone ever noticed anything on this blog! so this message means a lot). I’m sorry you went through a relationship like this. It’s shit, huh? 

Thing is I went to therapy to speak about this. This relationship has been going on since last year. It’s been hard. I eventually left because i knew and my therapist did too that I needed space, that it wasn’t healthy. I started exercising. I made this blog. I started to feel like that void he left in me was still there, but I felt okay. I felt like i could see things clearly. I felt better. Then he called me saying he missed me two months later, and I broke down crying. 

We’re currently friends at the moment. We’re good....in a way. I feel like I have so much unresolved baggage from where we were. Which is why I get pissed when he leaves me on read. When he isn’t available. But it’s not his responsibility, he’s NOT my boyfriend. And i guess i’m still confused as to what our roles and what our relationship is. But the thought of him leaving again kills me...i can’t do it all over again. He actually tried to kiss me last time we meant and I refused (hooray I stuck with my boundaries!) I don’t know if we’ll end up sleeping together again though and i KNOW that will be bad. All we can have is a friendship and I’m struggling to do that. 

I know there are better people out there, yet at the same time I feel like i won’t ever develop a connection with anyone else like i have with him, no one will understand me or care about me like he did. I know it’s irrational, but it’s how I feel. 

Please anon, I would love to hear your expereince with all of this. It has made me feel less alone. And this is something I can’t vent to friends. Because of the unconventional nature of the relationship (Poly and he’s over twice my age) I just don’t want to be judged. 

[monogamistmusing]

“Are you mad?” You ask...

Yes. And no. Because I’m not JUST mad. I’m pissed off. And insecure. And maybe a little jealous. And hurt. And rejected. And a ton of other stuff. 

Let’s see...You asked me to hang out tonight, then didn’t even want to make the trip down where I am because the “traffic is horrendous.” But it’s fine because you were happy to make the trip yesterday to do a presentation. And then you just told me that you’re making the trip this weekend because you’re going to a party with some people you recently met, which is why you can’t see me this Sunday. The sunday in which you will be having breakfast with your girlfriend. And just mentioning her name kills me inside, and it shouldn’t. Because we’re not together anymore. Because I don’t even like you. But she still has what I’ve always wanted and it kills me, then you mentioning her kills me inside. 

So no I’m not mad...because I have no reason to be mad. I cannot be mad at you. 

Not like I could tell you anyway. Because as you very well told me ages ago, you hate drama. And me having feelings was “drama.” That’s why it’s like this between us now. 

Also, I am SO MAD because this is always the attitude you have. This belief that everything is always fine. Because you’re polyamorous, and you have such an incredible free and loving spirit that I found so attractive. But it can also burn...Because you love everyone, and you can go on and treat everyone as if they’re the most special person. Without any awareness as to how it kills me inside, leaving me feeling like I’ve been used and rejected time and time again. But I can’t tell you that. Because this is just who you are. And these are just my feelings that I have to deal with. And we’re not even together anymore so it’s not my business. 

Yet I want to kill myself when I think about some of the people you’ve been with...

Is this what I have to do to have some sort of a relationship with you though? Constantly swallow my feelings? Constantly sit in this rage? Constantly face rejection because my time isn’t worth it to you anymore now that you can’t sleep with me, and getting high with some hippies this weekend is better than seeing me? Be okay with you teasing me about my innocence? 

Fuck. Yes. I AM MAD. But I feel like I have no right to be anymore. You can do what you want, just don’t talk to me one moment as if I am such a big part of your life, than do this. 

I was good before you called me and walked back into my life. I mean, I don’t even need you anymore. 

But I say this now and will take it all back later on...

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

7 Daily Reminders

1. My self worth does not depend on what others think and say about me.

2. My self worth does not depend on how I look or what I weigh.

3. My self worth does not depend on my marks or performance.

4. My self worth does not depend on my number of followers.

5. I am enough just as I am.

6. I can succeed despite a bad day.

7. I am beautiful and valuable – and will treat myself with kindness and respect.

[shewhohangsoutincemeteries]

PotterFacts 7/404 | The Chamber of Secrets

“Gilderoy Lockhart is the only Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher to have no connection at all to Voldemort.”

[pellaeonthewingedlion-deactivat]

That’s because even Voldemort has a certain demand for skill and competence

[happydays-hereagain-deactivated]

that was the sickest burn i have ever seen

[monogamistmusing]

How can you care about someone so much, and they care about you too. Yet you end up hurting each other? Time and time again..

[monogamistmusing]

Today I bought a candle. I fooled myself into thinking that this little candle would help fill the space in my chest that you left behind. I spent almost half an hour wondering dusk smelling each candle and bottle of essential oils, reminiscing... I told the staff that I was looking for a gift because I was worried that if I started to tell them the truth I would start crying. Honestly it's not even about you anymore, it's not even like I miss you anymore. It's about me... And feeling like I've lost not only you but some part of me when all of this ended and I'm constantly waking up to this emptiness and trying everyday to find something that can fill it. The space in my chest is still there but at least now it smells like tangerines.

[notvirginawoolf]

I had no idea Christmas was so close!

[jadedownthedrain]

Australia’s prime ministers over the past 10 years, a timeline:

Kevin Rudd 2007 - 2010

Julia Gillard 2010 - 2013

Kevin Rudd (again) 2013 - 2013

Tony Abbott 2013 - 2015

Malcolm Turnbull 2015 - 2018

Scott Morrison 2018 -

Our politicians are fucking idiots!

[sunflorally]

so you dated the wrong person and learned a hard lesson. you chose the wrong major and had to start over again. you cherished a friend who backstabbed you. it sucks, but it’s also going to work out. that’s life; you learn, hurt, love, cry, laugh, and keep going. you experience setbacks and you grow and it’s all okay.

[mirrorsofthesoul94]

I don’t know what I’ve done Or if I like what I’ve begun But something told me to run And honey, you know me, it’s all or noneThere were sounds in my head Little voices whispering That I should go and this should end Oh, and I found myself listening’ Cause I don’t know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you All I know is that I should ‘Cause she will love you more than I could She who dares to stand where I stoodSee, I thought love was black and white That it was wrong or it was right But you aren’t leaving without a fight And I think, I am just as torn inside'Cause I don’t know who I am, who I am without you All I know is that I should And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you All I know is that I should 'Cause she will love you more than I could She who dares to stand where I stoodAnd I won’t be far from where you are if ever you should call You meant more to me than any one I, I’ve ever loved at all But you taught me how to trust myself And so I say to you, this is what I have to do'Cause I don’t know who I am, who I am without you All I know is that I should And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you All I know is that I should 'Cause she will love you more than I could She who dares to stand where I stood She who dares to stand where I stood

[throwbackblr]

[sappy-little-trees]

Insatiable.

That’s it - that’s the show.

[sedlex]

[latte-hotte]

I’m watching insatiable (6 episodes in) and sorry to drop this hot take on your asses but it’s a good show. All the problematic shit people are throwing around is taken out of context and it’s dumb. The one about the ‘he’s a child molester’ ‘-that means I have a chance with him’ is said by the obviously deranged main character in the first episode. The one about bisexuals not being real or whatever it was is said by a repressed bisexual who, by the end of the episode, realizes bisexuality is a thing (because he’s a married 50 something year old with a kid) and becomes accepting of himself. Oh and the lesbian character? Decently written. I related to her a lot. Considering this is a Netflix show, she gets a fair amount of time dedicated to her arc, and she’s treated like a real person. The first episode is really misleading, it’s definitely one of the weaker episodes and makes everyone look like a stereotype. But as the show progresses the characters develop and they face real internal and external conflict. There have been moments where I laughed at loud and moments where I really felt for the characters. Also, a lot of people are under the impression that the shows about how becoming skinny solves all your problems but it’s the opposite. Patty becomes skinny and still has so much insecurity and still hates her body and just. Stop judging books by their fucking covers thanks.

[firesnaps-deactivated20211102]

I had someone tell me that dislike of Umbridge is usually from ingrained sexism toward female villains. I kind of stared in shock — I mean I love my lady villains. I love nasty female villains. I love sneaky and clever female villains. I love female villains that wrap themselves up in what the patriarchy expects of them and uses those expectations to smash someone upside the head. 

I tried to explain my hatred of Umbridge isn’t that she’s full of traditionally feminine attributes.  

It’s that she’s lawful evil. 

If you did an alignment chart, no one would represent lawful evil more than Umbridge. I don’t think there’s ever been a character that better sums up lawful evil. 

And, to me, lawful evil is the most terrifying and disturbing evil there is. 

To me, lawful evil is the shit that gets thousands of people killed while the person responsible walks away feeling like they did their duty. 

Evil forces like Bellatrix and Voldemort are fairy tales. They’re the bad guys a good guy can chase away with a sword or wand. 

Umbridge is that evil that really does lurk in the hearts of men (and women). The realness, the plausibility of it, makes her amazingly uncomfortable. 

So, yeah, I can’t get as excited about her as a fantasy book creation as easily as some other female villains. Not because she’s a woman, or because of her gender presentation, but because she represents a sort of evil that’s far, far too close to home. 

[shinraapologist]

Vodemort is stereotypically scary, but he’s a very unreal kind of scary. Umbridge is different. Everyone’s had an umbridge.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“Start over my darling. Be brave enough to find the life you want and courageous enough to chase it. Then start over and love yourself the way you were always meant to.”

— Madalyn Beck