Month of Drabbles Day 3: When She Loved You (Danganronpa: Another Episode)
Summary: The Warriors of Hope come to terms with the fact that maybe their mage didn’t love them after all.
Words: 1540
Warnings: Mentions of child abuse, violence, sexual assault, and death.
You knew Monaca Towa loved you.
~
You could tell Monaca loved you when she said you could be the leader of the Warriors of Hope. She wore her demure grin and announced to the others that yes, Masaru Daimon was the bravest and strongest of you all and that it was only fitting that you were the leader.
“You’ll protect all of us, won’t you?” Monaca said, turning to you. “You’ll never get scared?”
You assured her that you won’t. If you had to slam your arm into the concrete ground to keep it from shaking in fear and revealing to everyone the cowardice you were sure you didn’t have, then so be it. Monaca adored you, and that was all that mattered.
~
You could tell that Monaca loved you-or rather, hated you-with every disgusted look she shot in your direction. As soon as you told her the reason you wore your mask her lips curled into a look of repulsion that made your heart flutter giddily with delight.
“Of course you’d have to wear that thing, Snakey,” Monaca sneered when you told her about your mask. “How could something as gross as you ever get by if we’d have to look at your face every day, Jataro?”
You gave her the nastiest sounding laugh you could conjure up and described to her in detail how her eyes would melt out of her head the moment she looked at your face. She giggled in disgust and continued to berate you for being the worst. If you had to keep that itchy mask on your head forever and push away all the other warriors, that’s what you’ll do. Monaca loved to hate you, and that’s all that mattered.
~
You could tell Monaca loved you in the times when she spilled her heart out to you. Her confessions of how much she missed Big Sis Junko, of the pain she felt when she lost her legs and the lack of pain after-all these were secrets that she would never tell the boys. You liked to think you were her favorite Warrior of Hope. She called what you had a “bond between girls.” Sometimes she would wonder why you would conceal so much of yourself from her even with your bond. You were tempted to ask the same of her.
“You’re always so nice to me, Kotoko,” Monaca had said when you’d questioned her about it once. “Monaca would never hide anything from someone as gentle as you.”
Then you were sobbing into her lap, the unanswered question forgotten the way you wish you could forget the gentle men. Monaca slapped you and she wasn’t gentle at all. It was alright that Monaca lied about your “bond between girls.” Monaca would never be gentle with you, and that’s all that mattered.
~
You could tell Monaca loved you from how she would tell you of her grand plans that she wanted you to carry out. You liked to think you were her favorite Warrior of Hope. She understood your intelligence and maturity, and she knew how to use that for the benefit of the children. It was one of the many things you admired about her, and you knew it was one of the things she admired about you, too.
“We need you, Nagisa,” Monaca would always say, “Monaca knows you’ll live up to her expectations.”
And you did. You killed adults for her. You destroyed cities for her. You were going to build a paradise for her and for the other warriors. You did everything Monaca asked of you and more because that’s what she expected you to do. You could stand the restless nights trying to swallow your guilt and to get the other warriors in line. Monaca believed in you, and that was all that mattered.
~
You knew Monaca loved you when she assured you that you would be the one to take down that demon you’d released into the city a few days ago. Standing in front of the crowd of Monokuma Kids, you were acutely aware of how much everyone loved you. And all of it was because of Monaca’s “brain rinsing.” Because of Monaca, (and because of your priest, your fighter and you sage, you supposed, but what were three people’s love compared to the love of thousands?) your demon was gone and you were loved for the first time in your life.
When your robot broke down and the Monokuma Kids who used to love you with all their heart-with all of Monaca’s heart-gathered around you, you were confused. They grabbed you with rough fingers like he used to. Ripping at your hair and punching and kicking you and it was like he was looming over you again. Why were your friends-Monaca’s friends treating you this way when you had sworn to protect her with your life?
~
You knew Monaca loved you when you stared out at the Monokuma Kids-and the two demons-who were glaring at you with disgust. You knew how Monaca’s helmets worked. You were able to force those two demon girls to hate you, (and the other Warriors of Hope, but the hate from your friends didn’t feel as good) but a gross, slimy thing like you could never sway this many children to hate you with such passion that Monaca had programmed into them. Because of Monaca, you never had to look to her again to be hated. You could be hated as much as you wanted amongst the Warriors.
When the Monokuma Kids who hated you so swarmed you, you supposed you should have been expecting it considering how much they hated you. You were nervous, but you accepted the beating they were going to give you you-it’s what a disgusting thing like you deserved. Then they ripped off your mask. You couldn’t hear over your own screaming, but you were sure that the Monokuma Kids-Monaca’s Monokuma Kids-were going to die after seeing your face. Why would Monaca do something so horrible to the other children when she promised to hate only you?
~
You knew Monaca loved you when you returned to Towa Tower after your defeat at the hands of the demons. You were looking for Monaca-waiting for her to slap you or hug you and demand that the stupid kids that ganged up on you be punished. Then you heard her voice from behind a door and peeked in to see her face on Nagisa’s.
She said she didn’t care about the children’s paradise from the beginning. She said no one had expected anything from Nagisa in the first place. (You did. You didn’t realize it before but you expected the world from him and the others because that was how amazing the Warriors of Hope were.) When she left Nagisa snivelling on his knees in that cold, empty room you were tempted to chase after her-to demand an explanation. You stayed behind and followed your friend-your only real friend left, if Monaca meant what she said-to a factory.
You finally ran when you watched Nagisa get crushed by his robot. You ran all the way back to Towa Tower, Monokumas and Monokuma Kids hot behind your trail. The whole way you wondered why. Why would Monaca lie to you all this time? And why hadn’t you seen through her?
~
You knew Monaca loved you when she pressed up against your chest and roughly pressed her lips on yours. She cooed soft words into your ears, telling you that you were wrong, and it didn’t matter what you said because of course you’d want her. Wasn’t she the only person in the world that you ever wanted? Wasn’t she the only person in the world that would want you?
It didn’t matter that she tried to have her Monokumas kill you earlier, or that she covered up the deaths of your hero and priest. It didn’t matter what Monaca did wrong because Monaca was never wrong-Monaca was always right. It was you who was wrong. And it didn’t matter what Kotoko said to you afterwards. (Didn’t you leave her in her arena? Why was she following you? You didn’t want your fighter to meet the same fate as your hero and priest.) You had to go to the factory Monaca told you to go to and destroy the giant Monokuma for her, because that was all she-all anyone expected of you. Why would Monaca, who used to praise you so much for your intelligence and skill, expect so little of you?
~
As you bolted from the pursuing crowd of Monokuma Kids, clutching your bruised arm, a thought came to mind.
~
As you ducked under the grasping hands of Monaca’s friends, desperately covering your hideous face, a thought came to mind.
~
As you stumbled away from the collapsing wreckage of Towa Tower, certain that there was no one left alive in the world that cared for you, a thought came to mind.
~
As you stared up at your robot’s tilting weight, awaiting the imminent death and despair that you were sure to taste anytime now, a thought came to mind.
~
Maybe Monaca Towa never loved you after all.