after a lifetime of being treated like shit for 'being a bad housemate' no matter how desperately i try to do otherwise, because even before my current circus of Fuck i have always been traumatized and disabled, and my housemates have consistently treated me like a nonperson and dismissed--sometimes violently--any needs i express or attempt i make to build infrastructure supporting those needs, you'd think it might be at least a little cathartic to be in a situation where i have to just completely abandon being a good housemate and start doing asshole things to survive, because these people are so fucking irresponsible and dangerous to communicate with that if i am cooperative or considerate i will suffer and die. amazingly enough it just makes me feel wretched