oh my god. i hate dee so much i don’t know if i can properly express it. there is a level of “oh, this character is evil” and then “i feel personally wronged by this character and i am so angry i need to take it out on them.” i feel bubbling rage when i think of him. like i LOVE his character design, i LOVE his lore his story, i’m obsessed with the disciples, vance you have created such an interesting story i would have interacted with it regardless of sf existing or not. you have also made a character i hate with ever fiber of my being, with every ounce of honesty i want nothing more than for dee to suffer. i hate dee more than i did the light, more than i do eliza. MORE THAN I DO ELIZA. that is saying something. dee is fundamentally such an interesting character for me i want to run him over with a car a few times. because on one hand, in my very very biased perspective, stinkeri is infinitely nicer and kinder and i have far more grace for him. (also like if i forgot shit so often and everyone refused to tell or explain to me i would be a bit of bitch too.) on the SECOND hand, you give him green eyes and suddenly i am frothing at the mouth to rip this man apart. i don’t think i can go too much detail into the specificity with The Colors That Make Me Cry, because I can’t remember what all has been revealed. just know i think about stinkeri and moot and dee a lot and that we did not have to do that what the FUCK man. like i dont even know how to yap about his character jt makes me sk mad.
like the memory issues are still present regardless. his goal is always to remember everything about himself so he can Be himself, but if his memory is still sloppy has he actually fully reached his goal? i know its not in the same manner of forgetting as stinkeri, but still. he is obsessed with his appearance to a level he took a broken nose as a chance to make himself look better. to the point he clawed shit out of his skin. whats it for?? why?? i know he’s just an ego manic but at the same time he’s such a self focused person and so insistent on wearing his suit and shit it makes me wonder if he’s latching onto things like its his personality. i know it’s been said that he finds them more comfortable and have a panic attack without a tie, but it makes me think. he’s obsessed with making sure he is Himself no matter what to the point he essentially made cooleri. does the suit and tie make him think he will be more himself? he will keep his memory better? does he just think if he changes too much he won’t be able to remember no matter how hard he tries? on that there is a level of horror to dee’s character that you can’t skip out on. he’s a terrible person but can you fully blame him for wanting to lash out? he has essentially had his personhood stripped from him several times. his memory is a privilege, not a right, and it’s a privilege chaos has decided he doesn’t deserve. it takes one mistake for him to lose EVERYTHING, worse than before, and he has no say in it. the horror of being so DESPERATE to be yourself and being ultimately squashed by things you cannot to control. he is refused the opportunity to be his own person and purposefully or not chaos is constantly reminding him what he is (not who, what.) and even his name is evidence of this. he is “DOC” , he is “disciple of chaos” he is only a disciple of chaos and he will not be ALLOWED to be something else. which makes me wonder, is that why be goes by dee? despite presumably not liking georgia? is it a way to partially detach from chaos?
the more i think about him the more i hate him, but the more i gotta wonder. i have so many thoughts rattling in my head about him. he’s such a character. he thinks himself completely justified. and another note, doesn’t he hate “stinkeri”? that’s a whole nother can of worms. i dont know how to explain what i mean. he doesn’t like stinkeri or his desicions, meanwhile thats Just him. he IS stinkeri, he MADE those decisions himself, the only difference was he was missing some influence of kther memories. he despises “someone” who is just himself. (at the same tjme tho, you have ti wonder how mych of you is you without certain memories. your experiences shape you as a person.) i think at a core its not exactly that he hates stinkeri, he quite frankly just loves himself. i think he takes advantage of stinkeri using another name like that. he can pretend its a different person. i think at a fundemental level he hates forgetting, and by extension he is afraid of forgetting. he is afraid of losing himself and not being Him, he is afraid of his lack of choice and autonomy, he is afraid. maybe not directly shaking in your boots kinda way, but stinkeri is still a reflection of dee, right? well stinkeri is a very paranoid person, this has been established from the start. his stupid ass behavior is a way to cope with that. dee, even if he doesn’t want to be, is still reflected in stinkeri because that is him, he is still in essence a paranoid person, even if it manifests in different ways.
in another way stinkeri is constantly left up ended. he barely has an idea of what the fuck is going on other than he doesn’t remember and everyone is mad at him. <- especially with the recent cycle, where he forgot mostly everything. usually he just forgets the stuff that reminds him of him being dee. dee is being punished and in another way so is stinkeri. he doesn’t fucking know really why he’s forgotten (i think) just that he has. imagine scrounging around for your identity CONSTANTLY. (i dont have to i already do that LMFAO) its just. urghh. stinkeri you piss me tf off.
and nowwww onto the last thing i wanna talk about. if stinkeri comes back. personally i want moot to do something violent to dee in a way that will be noticabke and remain. its a kind of catharsis flr me okay? anyways. me and stinkeri occassionally talk about this because we fucking hate each other (joke). if stinkeri went looking for moot, (the kid is gone and he doesn’t know why) and no one would tell him, (he just wants to find the kid) what the fuck would he do? and then when he finally DOES find it, its scared. it sees a liar and someone that would abandon it. at the same time moot is desperate for anything resembling family. desperate. it has lost any kind of family it has gotten so far. nothing seems to stick. and when it seemed lkke something wojlr be okay, the ball dropped in a way i dont think moot would be able to ever fully forgive or trust. and stinkeri just wont know why. he wont understand. he will just see that his the kid hates him now, almost seems scared. and then maybe he draws kn couriers rant again. “Would I do that?” “What did I do?” and the worst part is moot does not even hate stinkeri. jt hates who it knows he’ll become. there is never any level of safety anymore, there is always an eventual end.
stinkeri just fucking in general makes me think avout the horror of knowing you will never know the whole picture. there is someone else who knows more than youz (they are you.) these people around you seem to know so many things about you and they will not tell you. are you even fully yourself? id you continue to search for these memories, if you continue to try and discover what you have lost…will you continue to be yourself? or will you be someone else, and don a new name even? (IS it new if it is just something YOU have forgotten?) and dee has me thinking about the horror of not having autonomy and right over your own memory, over yohr ownself. if your identity itself is a privilege that can be taken away, how much will you lose? what will you be willing to do?
anyways it is 1 thirty in the morning ive lost my shit quite enough. @stinkeri here is my early morning ramble. if i conpletely mischaracterized him, um, well. fuck my lifr i guess sorry. i did try to actually analyze his character tho this was originally just me ranting ablht how mich i hate him
