Nov 20, 2021
I was reading, as one does waiting for a premature death.
seen from France
seen from Russia
seen from China
seen from Malaysia
seen from Australia
seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from Israel
seen from United States
seen from Spain
seen from Sweden
seen from China
seen from Russia
seen from Malaysia
seen from Russia
seen from Australia
seen from Malaysia
seen from Malaysia
seen from South Korea
I was reading, as one does waiting for a premature death.
Yesterday, I had a few intrusive thoughts throughout the day about "what if I'm dead?" (This usually happens if I cross the street in what I deem to be an unsafe way - I then start to fear that I've actually been hit by a car and am carrying on in some kind of limbo) These were unsettling but not altogether that intense. At the end of the day, I was in class and feeling socially anxious and the thoughts came up again briefly. When I got out of class, I turned my phone on and saw a text from a friend saying "Are you alive?" This is someone whom I haven't seen in a while who often over-dramatizes to be "cute" but honestly the text freaked me out a bit and just made me mad. I complained to my boyfriend about it later and he told me he thought (a) it was a common fear to have and (b) my friend didn't mean anything by the text. He just meant to reassure me, but it felt like he was saying "This isn't OCD, you're overreacting."
whenever people reblogged pat's gif/pic i posted and added dirty nasty comment i got mixed feelings i wanna high five them but on the other side i also wanna go all rocky on the bitch
someone reblogged a puspos gif i made and added
oh puspos.. when can i marry you?
and i was like
over my dead body you bitch
how 'bout a really personal post to deflect my insomnia? here goes.
I think about death often. My mother died when I was seven years old and in the past 14 years since, I have been to more funerals than I can even remember. I know that death is a part of everyone's life, but it is certainly a bigger part in some people's lives than it is in others.
Just because I think about death (particularly my own) often doesn't mean that I have an unhealthy obsession with it. I rarely let thinking about death prevent me from living my life and I am definitely not suicidal. In all my life, I have only ever seriously considered and planned out my own demise twice. (one was when I was about 10 or 11, the other was a few months ago in a post-surgery low point that I will NOT be experiencing again)
But I think about the morbid possibility almost every time I leave my house or start coming down with an illness or cross a street, etc. If I'm on the train and a sketchy dude gets on or the train stops for technical difficulties for a moment, I think to myself "I might die today, right now" and I begin to think about the whole thing. I think about how the scene will progress, leading to the actual cause of my death, me dying, the new form I will take on (will I be a ghost? will my soul go somewhere else? does nothing happen? do I get reincarnated?), I think about specific people in my life and how they will learn of my death, I imagine how the news will travel, how they will react, my funeral, what my legacy will be...
I feel like my brain does this exercise about 10 to 15 times a week.
And with all this thought and all the death that I have experienced in my life, I am really at peace with it. I'm not sitting here, waiting to die, but I am constantly motivated by the idea that the possibility of death is always there.
What if I die before finishing that poem I started working on in the back of my notebook last week? What if this text is the last text I ever send on this phone? I can't believe that if I die tonight, he was the last person I kissed.
Death inspires me. I want my death to be beautiful and poetic. I don't imagine it will be, but I still want it to be. And I'm curious as to how I will be remembered. What will I have meant to the world? What will I have done?
I'm posting all of this because I believe that I am going to die at a young age. I don't mean tomorrow or anything; I just mean at a young age. And I don't lament that belief or see anything wrong with dying before I get old. I just wanted to send this out into the world before I do and tonight seemed as good a night as any.
Elena Milagro "Helen" de Hoyos (July 31, 1909 - October 25, 1931)