LET ME BE YOUR FOOL ೃ࿐
synopsis: being a lesbian means one swipe of strawberry lipgloss can alter the course of your entire life, and damn if ellie doesn't know it.
content warnings: kinda pervy ellie, suggestive content, ellie’s pov, informal style, loser!ellie, lowkey oblivious reader, obsessive themes, nerdy ellie, she is down bad, stalking? high school au (characters are eighteen). next part
Tuesday
i think she’s figuring me out loool. not fully. if she fully figured me out i’d probably burst into flames on the spot and leave behind a giant ash pile. but enough that it’s making me nervous. lemme explain, in class she caught me staring at her again, except this time instead of looking away immediately she smiled first. like she KNEW.
I forgot how to breathe for a good amount of time. genuinely inhaled wrong. almost choked on absolutely nothing. really cool stuff from me lately.
then later during the group meeting she sat down beside me and was like, talking in a really low voice so no one else could hear us, she's so hot i need her to talk me through it. god i couldn’t focus on a single thing she was saying because all i could think about was how fucking close she was. which sounds pathetic because it is pathetic. i’m one accidental hand touch away from being put on life support.
also she was wearing lip gloss today.
listen.
LISTEN.
i’m only human.
she kept biting her lip while reading and i genuinely had to look up at the ceiling at one point because my thoughts were becoming criminal. there are astronauts with less tension in their bodies than me sitting next to her in the library. and she smells so good all the damn time. how is that fair. how am i supposed to focus on citations and timelines when she keeps leaning close enough for me to smell her shampoo. i think if she ever hugged me i’d just collapse like one of those fainting victorian women. i want her to do more than hug me.
Thursday
today she rested her head on my shoulder for like three seconds.
THREE SECONDS.
she was laughing at something on my phone and leaned into me (without thinking definitely), and i swear my soul ascended directly into space. like goodbye everybody. tell Joel i loved him.
i stayed completely still because i was terrified she’d move away if i breathed too hard. but you alr know internally i was losing my fucking mind. absolute chaos. monkeys with cymbals. sirens going off. one of those cartoon nuclear explosion mushroom clouds. she just kept giggling too. all soft and warm right against me. i’m never recovering from this. no joke this is it for me. this is how i die. not by zombie apocalypse or shark attack or asteroid impact but because a pretty girl used me as a pillow for three seconds.
guess what too, i noticed she has freckles across her nose. super tiny ones. i don’t know if they’ve always been there or if i’m just staring at her face so often now that i’m discovering new details like an obsessed little freak. probably the second one. god i want to kiss her so bad. like embarrassingly bad. like if she looked at me right now and said “hey ellie wanna make out” i’d probably trip over my own feet trying to say yes so fast.
Friday
she called me smart today. like directly. we were working on the project and i explained something about one of the sources and she got this look on her face and went all quiet for a second before telling me i’m really smart actually.
ACTUALLY.
like she was surprised. which okay rude (i discovered i have a new kink), but also she said it while looking right at me, RIGHT AT ME IN THE FUCKING EYES and i haven’t known peace since. i think she noticed i got flustered too because she got this smirk on her face and suddenly i was overheating so badly i could’ve powered a small city. then — and this is where things become concerning for my doctor — she reached over and fixed my collar because apparently it was folded weird?? mhm mhm.
do you understand what that did to me psychologically.
her hands were RIGHT THERE.
soft too. i noticed immediately because of course i fucking did. my brain records every interaction with her. she said sorry after like she’d done something wrong STOP MA''AM PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS BACK ON ME.
— e
Monday
listen, i’m starting to think she likes messing with me. like she enjoys watching me malfunction a little. which honestly? fair. i’d probably do the same thing if i had this much power over somebody she literally has no idea what I would do for her. she stole my hoodie this morning. okay technically she said she was cold and asked if she could borrow it but SAME DIFFERENCE. and then she actually PUT IT ON. right in front of me. like that’s a normal thing to do when you know a girl is already one step away from chewing through drywall over you.
it was too big on her too. sleeves covering her hands and everything. i almost started barking.
this girl wore it the whole project meeting while sitting next to me, I couldn't get out of my head the idea that she'd smell like my laundry detergent afterward. like my brain kept circling around that thought over and over like a fucking cracked out vulture.
at one point she looked down at the sleeves and laughed about how huge it was on her and i had to physically tear my eyes away because she was too hot and i was becoming unstable. i am not surviving this semester.
Wednesday
something is happening here.
i don’t know WHAT exactly. maybe i’m delusional. maybe i’ve finally snapped completely and need to be studied by professionals in a little glass enclosure. but SOMETHING is happening.
because this morning she kept turning around to look at me. not even subtle little glances either. like full eye contact. grinning and everything. and every time i caught her doing it she’d get this adorablly amused look on her face like she knew exactly what she was doing to me.
which should be illegal. cruel and unusual punishment.
then after school we were walking out together and she bumped our shoulders together while talking and stayed really close the whole time. like REALLY close. close enough that our hands kept brushing accidentally. except after the third time i’m pretty sure it stopped being accidental. i almost grabbed her hand.
I ALMOST DID IT.
and then immediately panicked and shoved my hands into my pockets like a coward. classic ellie behavior. survival instincts of a startled deer. but god i wanted to. i keep thinking about what her hand would feel like in mine, and i actually need to stop before i lose my mind completely.
Thursday
she fell asleep on me today.
i’m not kidding.
we were studying in the library and she kept complaining about being tired (I like it a little too much when she gets all whiny), and eventually she just kinda slumped against my shoulder and went quiet. and then. she stayed there. for twenty minutes.
TWENTY.
trust i didn’t move a fucking muscle the entire time. my back started hurting halfway through and i still refused to shift because i’d rather die painfully than wake her up. she looked so soft too. like unfairly soft. hair falling in her face a little, breathing all slow and relaxed, one hand was curled near her chest. I was afraid my heart was gonna explode out of my ribcage, like some kind of horrible alien chestburster situation. i wanted to kiss the top of her head so bad I'm actually proud of how hard I resisted.
sure sounds dramatic but I don't give a shit. everything about her makes me dramatic.
also when she woke up she looked embarrassed for about two seconds before smiling at me all sleepy and mumbling a little apology and OH MY GOD. i think that moment shortened my lifespan by at least ten years.
she kept rubbing her eyes afterward my baby marry me right now marrymemarrymemarryme there’s no way she doesn’t know what she’s doing to me at this point. absolutely no way.
Saturday
i had to sit across from her today instead of next to her and honestly i think it was worse somehow because now i could just fully look at her face the whole time. terrible situation for someone with my particular set of problems.
she kept resting her chin in her hand while reading, like she always does, and looking at me through her eyelashes and i felt like prey being slowly hunted by a very beautiful very gentle wolf heh. also she wore a tank top today. i deserve compensation for this. financial compensation. emotional damages. maybe a medal for surviving.
her arms looked really nice, i kept catching myself staring every five seconds like some Victorian man seeing ankle for the first time. look, thinking back on it there's no way I could've resisted I don't even regret anything.
then she stretched at one point and i accidentally made direct eye contact with her stomach and immediately forgot every language i’ve ever learned. don't judge me I know I do this shit a lot, I'm only human. btw she fucking caught me and I swear I saw some sort of look in those beautiful irises of hers.
oh she knows. she absolutely fucking knows. and somehow she keeps looking at me like she likes me anyway. which is terrifying. I'm scared now.
Monday
i don’t understand how one person can be this pretty all the time. like statistically there should be off days. there should be moments where she looks a little busted or tired or weird. but no. every single day she walks into school looking unreal and perfect like she was handcrafted by the gods specifically to ruin my fucking life.
today she wore her glasses instead of contacts and i walked directly into a door because i couldn’t stop staring at her. she kept pushing them back up her nose while reading, what is this woman doing to me ughhhhh.
and she’s so SMART. so terrifyingly smart. not in an annoying way either (my angel could never annoy me). she just… knows things. effortlessly. she explains stuff in this calm patient voice that makes me want to listen forever even when i already understand it. honestly i think she could read me grocery lists and i’d still sit there staring at her like she personally invented language.
during the project meeting i got stuck on one of the questions and she leaned closer to help me figure it out and i swear i would’ve done literally anything she asked in that moment. anything.
she could’ve been like “ellie go fight a bear for me” and i would’ve been halfway into the woods before realizing i don’t have any survival skills whatsoever. i’m serious. I'm head over heels. completely gone over this girl.
also she tucked my hair behind my ear today because apparently it was “in my face.” flatlined right there in the library, I swear to god.
her fingers brushed my cheek for half a second and i genuinely stopped hearing anything around me. god pleasepleaseplease i want her so bad. not even just physically although JESUS CHRIST physically too. i just want all of her. i want her attention all the time. i want her to look at me like i matter forever. shit how do I kiss her without her noticing?
Tuesday
okay i need to calm down because i’m starting to become actually insane about this girl. documentary-level behavior. future true crime podcast subject. why you may ask? she borrowed my pen and i spent the rest of class staring at the spot where her teeth marks ended up on the cap afterward.
i KNOW HOW THAT SOUNDS.
trust me nobody is more horrified by me than me. bro idec I want her to leave those bite marks on me. she kept absentmindedly chewing on it while reading, lord give me strength. i could not stop looking at her lips. if she ever took pity and kissed me I'd pass out.
then she sat cross-legged in her chair during lunch, and i accidentally looked at her thighs for a second too long and then immediately had to pretend i was deeply interested in my yogurt. i wasn’t. the yogurt sucked. she’s just so fucking pretty it makes me feel evil. like i’m being tested by some higher power.
and she’s A SWEETHEART on top of it which feels excessive surely. pick a struggle. am I a pervert.
Thursday
she wore lip gloss again.
clear shiny lip gloss fuuuuck.
my thoughts are now entirely based around tracking tiny details about her appearance, like some lovesick cryptic. i spent literally the entire project meeting trying not to stare at her lips while she talked and i failed miserably. absolutely catastrophic failure. every time she paused to think and pressed her lips together i had to look away before my thoughts became too embarrassing even for ME.
which is saying something because my thoughts are already like 90% embarrassing. also today she rested her hand on my knee for one second while laughing. ONE SECOND. and my body reacted like i’d been electrocuted.
please sit on my face lap.
Sunday
i had another dream about her. this one was way worse
we were laying in bed together and she was half asleep wearing one of my shirts and every time she talked her voice was low and sleepy and soft and i woke up feeling like i needed to be sedated.
then i had to actually SEE her later today which felt unfair. cause duh, now every time she looked at me my brain was helpfully providing flashbacks from the dream like a movie montage.
she sat really close to me during the project thing again and i kept noticing tiny details about her. the little scar near her knee. the way her eyelashes look when she looks down to read. the tiny sound she makes when she’s concentrating too hard.
i am so deeply cooked.
like if aliens abducted me right now and demanded i explain humanity i’d just show them a picture of her and be like “yeah this is why we write poetry and die in wars probably.”
also she stole fries off my plate today idk why that made me giddy. I guess there’s something about girls casually stealing your food that feels insanely intimate to me. probably because i’m mentally ill.
she just reached over all smiley lookin' like my future bride and took one while i stared at her trying not to say anything incriminating.
i would let her ruin my life ong.
— e
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taglist: @isaellie, @fettywhopper, @charm3llie
