4x15 reaction fic. (it's late because I suck) So I loved Santana in this episode and I thought to myself; what would happen if Kurt snuck away from the group and onto the roof after Come What May? What if Santana followed him up there? What if they started talking...
so this came out.
also warnings for adam. he's only in it for a bit, but i feel like i had to warn.
and warning for a bit of a mention of self-harm. it's a blink and you'll miss it kind of thing, but it was something i felt like i should warn for.
He freezes. No, absolutely not. He's not supposed to be thinking about Blaine right now. Not when he has a very interested boy next to him.
But he does think about Blaine. He's been thinking about Blaine throughout this entire movie, his mind pulling up flashbacks to them watching it in Blaine's room. It's not fair, but Kurt was the one who had suggested Moulin Rouge, he should have known what he was in for.
He’s the one that’s seconds from crying and not because Satine’s about to die.
“I’m sorry,” he says, standing up rapidly.
Adam gets up behind him, wrapping his arms around Kurt’s waist, worry evident on his face. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just need some air,” Kurt replies, worming his way out if Adam’s arms, and it’s not exactly like he’s lying when he says he needs air. He actually needs to go out and think.
“Do you want me to go with you?” Adam asks, his voice has a hopeful glint, and already a pang of guilt hits Kurt.
Kurt shakes his head, moving to grab his coat. “No need. I’m fine.” Is all he says before he’s out to door, making his way to the stairwell; and he just climbs. Climbs until he reaches the roof door, and he knows it’s not really ideal to be hanging out on the rooftop when there’s snow on it, but Kurt just needs to get away from that movie. He needs to get away from everyone, actually.
He opens the door and makes his breath catches in his throat. It’s simply beautiful out here. It’s finally stopped snowing so the roof is blanketed with a layer of beautiful fluffy snow. The lights of the city twinkle in the distance, and the sky is a beautiful watery black color, flecked with little stars. It’s simply stunning.
Kurt takes a seat, against the ledge, and pulls his phone out of his pocket, and to his surprise finds a text from Blaine.
I wish I were snowed in with you guys so that I wouldn’t have to write this damn research paper :( -B
Kurt giggles to himself slightly, and is surprised when a tear trickles down his cheek. He’s emotional and Blaine texting him intensifies those emotions. He knows he shouldn’t be texting him back, but he can’t stop himself. Texting Blaine has always been instinctual. Something that was so easy and effortless.
Wish you were here too xo –K
Okay seriously? What was that Kurt Hummel? You two are friends. Only friends, you made a big deal of it at the wedding.
The door to the roof opens again, and Kurt’s about to utter out an apology when he realizes its Santana, heavily bundled in a thick coat, furry hat, and gloves.
“Fuck, it’s so cold out here,” she hisses, wrapping her arms tighter around herself.
“Then why are you out here?” Kurt snaps, glaring at her in a way that’ll hopefully drive her away.
“Because you and I need to exchange some words Hummel,” she says brusquely, cleaning a spot next to Kurt and sitting down
“Words?”
“Yes, words. I quite liked your little waterfall display Hummel, and while Paul McCartney might not have realized something was up, I did,” Santana starts, and turns to face Kurt, her brown eyes big with concern. “What’s wrong?” she asks, and immediately Kurt is take aback at how sincere and non-bitchy her voice sounds.
“Nothing,” Kurt chokes out, clutching to his phone tighter as if he was afraid it was going to light up and give him away.
“I’ve dabbled in my share of lying, Hummel which means I can tell when someone’s lying,” Santana replies, and Kurt can’t take it; he lets out a shuddery sob, and immediately Santana’s arms are around his shoulders.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
“I can’t think about him this way anymore, Santana. I’m going to end up hurt again,” Kurt cries against her shoulder, sobs racking his body.
“Look Kurt, the reason you’re thinking about him so much is because you want him back,” Santana says, and for once there’s not a mocking tone in her voice.
“I know, but I’m not supposed to. I don’t know what I was thinking watching that movie.”
Santana stays quiet for a moment, the only sound being the sound of their breathing.
“I know why you did it,” she says after a very pregnant pause, and Kurt looks up at her.
“Why?”
“You did it because you want to be reminded of Blaine.”
“What?” What the hell does she mean?
“Yes, I know he hurt you, but even though he did you still want him. And the only reason Adam is in the picture is because you hope that one day you’ll feel the same way for him that you do for Blaine. But you and I both know that that day is never going to happen.”
Fuck, she’s right. Everything she’s saying is absolutely correct.
“I-I…”
“Tell me I’m wrong.”
She’s not, but how does Kurt tell her that he’s basically keeping Adam around so that he won’t go running back to Blaine? Adam is a nice guy. He’s interested in Kurt, but if Kurt’s being honest he’s only dating him to not go running back to Blaine. But either way everything in New York reminds him of Blaine.
“I want to be over him, but I can’t. My brain is telling me to forget him. That he cheated on me and he’s no good for me. But my heart… in theory Adam is perfect. He’s sweet, handsome, an all around good guy. He’s the guy I should be with right?”
“But…”
“But he’s not Blaine. He’s never been Blaine nor is he ever going to be Blaine. My heart wants Blaine…it’s always going to want Blaine and no matter who I date that’s never going to change. I want Blaine, and I know I shouldn’t but I do.”
Kurt takes a deep breath, reaching up to wipe his eyes with his sleeve. “Why do I still want him even though he hurt me?” he asks, and god he hopes Santana has a good answer because his mind is drawing up blanks right now.
“Because you two are soulmates,” Santana says. “As gross as you two were, and as much as I wanted to punch you for being ridiculously cute; you belong together.”
“He cheated on me,” Kurt snorts derisively, turning his head again.
“God, when are you going to let that go?” Santana snaps, forcing Kurt to peel his eyes away from the snow on the floor. “Yes he cheated on you. Five months ago. I’ve seen him since then; you’ve seen him since then. You know what a wreck he’s been? He couldn’t live with himself. Do you know how many times Sam had to stop him from doing something severely stupid because he hurt you? I know what he did is horrible,” she says before Kurt can get a word in, holding two fingers up to his face. “I know. But at a certain point you have to stop focusing on the fact that he cheated on you and start to think about moving on. Why do you think he cheated on you?”
“Because I wasn’t…giving him the attention he needed,” Kurt confesses, and shit that’s right. Blaine didn’t do it on purpose. He was driven to cheat on Kurt.
“I wasn’t giving him what he wanted. I was ignoring him, and…I know it was my fault but it was also his. He’s the one who didn’t talk to me about how he was feeling. He went and…and slept with that…guy!” Kurt cries, angry tears making their way down his face.
“It was both of your faults,” Santana supplements, raising a hand to wipe at Kurt’s eyes, a completely foreign move for her.
“It was,” Kurt agrees, bowing his head again.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Are you seriously asking for my permission? After all of that?”
Santana gives him a tiny glare before taking a deep breath. “Do you seriously think you and Hugh Dancy are going to be together forever?”
“No,” Kurt answers honestly, and it surprises him how little he has to think about it before he answers. He doesn’t see himself with Adam in the future. He barely sees himself with Adam right now.
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Kurt thinks about it for a minute. He knows where this conversation is going and he sort of doesn’t want to tell Santana. But he decides he will simply because he’s hoping this is going to help him make a decision.
“I see myself…married.”
“To Adam?” Santana cries scandalized, and Kurt shushes her.
“No! Can I talk now?”
“Go ahead, Lady Hummel.”
“I see myself living in this amazing apartment. Working on Broadway-”
Santana stifles a giggle behind her hand and the glare Kurt sends her way could cut through icicles.
“This is my fantasy, Santana. Shut up. Working on Broadway,” he continues, allowing himself to get lost in the fantasy. “I see myself coming home to my gorgeous husband, who’s in the kitchen cooking dinner and whistling along to the Sinatra song playing. He’ll greet me with a kiss and we’ll talk about our day.”
“Is your husband Blaine?”
Kurt closes his eyes, squeezing them so that more tears don’t leak out, but nothing he does is working. He knows he’s going to break down—hell he’s already breaking down. And he doesn’t even care that Santana is here. For so long he hasn’t allowed himself to cry over Blaine, but now he doesn’t care. He needs to cry over it.
“Yes,” he whispers. “It’s always him. When we broke up his face blurred a little in my mind, but I knew it was still him.”
“And what does that tell you?”
“That he’s my soulmate?”
“Exactly. I’m sure Adam is a nice guy,” she says and the distaste in her voice is evident, but Kurt really doesn’t care right now. “But you’re always going to be comparing him to Blaine. It’s instinctual.”
Kurt stares off into space, thinking everything through. She’s right. In every aspect of his and Adam’s “relationship” he’s always compared him to Blaine even though he didn’t mean to. It’s little things, but it’s made all the difference in the world.
“I have to break up with Adam don’t I?” Kurt sighs eventually, and Santana nods.
“I don’t think Blaine approves of multiple partners.”
“Can you break up with him for me?”
“As much as I would love to say yes, I’m going to say no. This is your shit Hummel, now go deal with it.”
“Now?”
“Well, yeah. You’re going to get this over with and get Blaine back because I cannot take one more day of you looking like a kicked puppy,” Santana says, lifting herself off of the floor “Ugh my ass is all wet.”
“You wanted to come out here,” Kurt reminds her, and all she does is roll her eyes.
“Don’t tell me you didn’t get something out of that conversation.”
“You are right.”
Kurt follows Santana back into the apartment only to go back out again, only this time with Adam behind him, smiling that stupid smile.
It ends up not being as painful as Kurt thought it would be. Adam turns out to be…quite understanding of the whole situation. It makes everything a lot easier, but Kurt still feels that pang of guilt deep in his gut.
“No hard feelings, Kurt. I knew you were never going to love me like that, and that’s okay!” he says, entirely too cheerfully. “This Blaine is a really lucky guy.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Kurt chuckles a bit awkwardly.
“I’m going to go ahead and go,” Adam says, and Kurt holds a hand to stop him.
“No, it’s horrible out there. I wouldn’t feel good about sending you out in a blizzard.”
“Oh don’t worry about me. The snow has stopped.”
“No. You can stay tonight, just…sleep on the couch,” Kurt offers. He is not about to send Adam out into the night all willy-nilly, no matter what their relationship status is.
“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Adam starts, but Kurt shakes his head.
“No you’re staying. You can…uhm go in the morning.”
“Okay,” Adam agrees reluctantly and makes his way back into the apartment. Kurt hands him some blankets, wishes him a good night and goes into his room, pulling his phone out again.
He hadn’t checked it since Santana had come on the roof and he’s not surprised when he sees a text from Blaine.
What have you been up to tonight? –B
Instead of replying back, Kurt builds up the courage to do what he’s been too afraid to. He hits the dial button and waits for Blaine to answer.
“Hello?” comes the voice Kurt’s been longing to hear.
“Hi, Blaine.”