#movingonslowly

[eilahtanantoniewicz]

Little holidays with my love, on the place where we will live our lives. DIYs, good moments and lot of fun #dearfuturehusband #handinhand #handcraft #homemade #movingonslowly #changes #withmylove #couplegoals #polishcouple #himandi #duet #partnersincrime #woodcraft #newflat #follow4follow #likeforlike #notyetengaged #hopefullysoon #soon (w: Gdynia) https://www.instagram.com/p/B0G9DSMonuA/?igshid=l6t9p65vtvdn

[ssserendipitysue]

I have so many scars on my body ..... my face my neck my collarbone my back my legs my hands my shin they all reflect some broken bone or surgery but we must remember not all scars are visible ❤️ #gettingbetterwithage #movingonslowly #slowlymovingon #chronicpainsurvivors #survivingchronicpain #mychronicpainhurts #chronicallypainful #scarsskindeep #myscars #seethescars #leavingmyscarsbehind #growingspiritually #myheartneedsspirit #givingmyheartspirit #thespiritofme #scarstobeauty #lettinggoofthepast #lettingitgonow #livingmylife #livinganewlife #fullnewlife #survivedepression #surviveanxiety #survivesurvive #surviveborderline #borderlinedismay https://www.instagram.com/p/Bw7IapxgjuE/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=zk7e87mnnxkn

[streamofconsciouslost-blog]

08-02-17 | A Small Step(?)

Hey guys. A couple weeks ago, I had another pretty bad depressive episode where I was dead inside again yada yada. It motivated me to really consider medication for depression. I got a list of psychiatrists in the area from my current therapist but never ended up making any calls... because... I started to feel a bit better. But I still go up and down.

I was chatting with my ex this weekend to hang out because our previous interaction had actually sparked my depressive episode and I wanted to have a positive experience with him to counteract that. Which well. perhaps it’s not intuitive - yes, let’s hang out with the person that made you feel shitty. But well I’m hardly rational at this point, am I?

In any case, I was talking to him and I brought up that I was considering taking medication. And well, I was uncomfortable with the fact that he buys into the stigma with medication, it’s “unnatural.” But he was pretty insistent that I should go for it - maybe he was just trying to be supportive but I don’t know. He seems super convinced that I do in fact have depression. I don’t know. I just know that I experience many emotional symptoms of depression sometimes. I just know that if I want to instigate it all I need to do is remember how much pain I felt. How hurt I was. What he did.

This is tangential but I think it’s honestly pathetic how this breakup ruined me. Though to be fair, it might just be a catalyst for an already broken me.

There is a...silver lining.

He also recently started reading one of my favorite books of all time Mistborn: The Final Empire by Brandon Sanderson (shameless plug). Well “reading.” Listening to an audiobook actually and I’ve been so happy sharing all these moments in the book that I love with him all the characters that I’ve missed so deeply. I was rereading it at the same time as him. Last year I tried very hard to get him to read it but no luck. I guess his sister convinced him and gave him audiobook links. I’d like to think that maybe I had something to do with it too. Maybe.

But the catch is he so frequently derides reading. And, me, for loving reading. He calls me a nerd, “jokingly.” He always says “I don’t read I’m a cool person.” And of course it’s exaggerated and meant to sound like a joke... only... I think he really does buy into that dialogue. There’s some element of truth to it, otherwise the joke wouldn’t be there in the first place.

And yet, today when he made another joke about it, I responded with “you hurt me.” And for the first time since we broke up, I honestly thought, “maybe I really do deserve better.” While that’s refreshing to think, it’s a little daunting because that means letting go of all the stability I feel hanging out with him and with my level of investment in him. All this time I’m secretly hoping that he can change and he’ll care enough about me that we can make it work. And well when I write it out like that it sounds absolutely naive and ridiculous.

Damn. I don’t understand my emotional investment in him. I guess. I like that he gives me attention. He messages me every day. And we talk. And he cares enough about me to ask me how I’m doing. The level of interaction. The connection with another person that I’m finding so difficult to achieve, I have with him. And I guess that’s what I don’t want to let go of. But it’s not perfect and I just wish it could be a bit better. I wish he cared about me the same way I care about him. Just once I wish he’d say he cares. But he won’t. I can tell, he’s happier this way.

[freespirit-vegan]

Coward.

Do you know what breaks my heart the most? The fact that you chose not to care anymore. You think I don't know you, you like to think you're this mysterious, deep, complicated, heartbreaker... But I know you, oh to well. And you know what? You're beautiful. You're so fucking beautiful, I long for the day you really see that. I know you care. I told you whatever happened, I'll always be there. You said you would to, but you're not are you? You're gone, you've vanished off the face of the earth and it's killing me. I wish I could just move on, I don't deserve a fucking liar, do you know what you did to me? You ruined me, why did you have to do that? I was there for you, I gave you all my energy and somehow it was still my fault. You don't have to remind me, I did things wrong, I'm far to aware of those things. I torture myself on a daily basis for them. But ask yourself this... What could of possibly of happened, that turned me into the one person I didn't want to be? What made me not care to the point where I hurt myself and everybody I loved? I never wanted to hurt you, not for one second. But it was perfectly okay for you to do that to me, time and time again and I wouldn't even question it, because yet again, I blamed myself! Yet, here I am. Wanting you more than ever, but knowing if I had you, I shouldn't. Because it's wrong, but we were so in love, why were we so in love? WHY. You are such a coward. I loved you so much.

[bacon-and-eggs-hold-the-chips]

Quick how i'm doing update

13 weeks later, I've started to get on my feet a little bit. On Tuesday morning I start a course that is aimed at helping to give me back some confidence in myself. What I am hoping is that it will help me find who I am again. Immediately after my course finishes I will be meeting with some people who can help with my housing issues and to find me a work placement that will update my CV.

I have been applying for jobs like my life depends on it (well I suppose my sanity does depend on it) at least 4 applications a day!!!!

It still hurts and I have up and down days but it's starting to be more ups than down which is a good thing, I think I will always be sad about what has happened but I'm learning to live with it.

The bottom line people is that I'm doing OK