#mpreg phil

[amid-fandoms]

you know the amount of mpreg!phil moments i keep stumbling upon by just randomly binging their channels is starting to concern me

[pasteldnp]

Everything Changes

Part of the Soft Place to Land Verse

Rated: T Words: 5.2k Tags: Mpreg, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Emetophobia, Hospitals, Fluff

Summary: Dan and Phil return from the hospital and need to adapt to their life-changing news, but fear stands in their way. 

Start verse here Read on Ao3 or below

It hadn’t sunk in yet that Dan and Phil were going to be parents. Once the parade of doctors and nurses finally thinned out and left them alone, Dan climbed back into the hospital bed beside Phil. They cuddled close together in the small space, Dan resting his head on Phil’s now hospital gowned shoulder as they talked abstractly about the baby and sonograms. If they tried too hard to grasp onto the concept that those pictures were of an actual thing growing inside Phil right now, the realities would be a little too terrifying. So, they put those thoughts off and instead debated whether their baby looked more like a peanut or a bean.

Phil was so relieved that Dan was with him for the ultrasound. The brief period when he was alone trying to handle the vagueness and uncertainty of the doctors was awful. But Dan was there now, and his soft curls tickled Phil’s chin while his right hand tightly held Phil’s left. He wasn’t sure if Dan was as relaxed on the inside, but either way, Phil was thankful that Dan was his security blanket.

When a young volunteer showed up at his door with a blue food tray, it struck Phil just how starving he was. His appetite had been very touch-and-go for a while, which he now knew the reason for, but he hadn’t had much to eat all day since the toast Dan made him. Phil thanked the girl graciously, and she bashfully smiled before scurrying away.

“Oh my god, I’m so hungry,” Phil groaned, grabbing the lid off the tray to see what they brought him.

“I completely forgot about dinner,” Dan said, sitting up with interest as well. He didn’t get any hospital food, but Phil wouldn’t mind if he had a few bites.

Both Dan and Phil recoiled at the sight of the meal. Bland peas and carrots sat on the plate beside unidentifiable meat covered in some kind of creamy tan sauce. Phil’s best guess was that it was chicken, but there was no way to tell for sure. He had heard the horror stories of NHS meals, but being presented with it was a different story.

“So… how about I bring you some McDonalds?”

Phil laughed at the hazy memory but shook his head. “I don’t want you to leave until you have to, I can handle some shitty food.”

“Are you sure? Phil, I might be a lover of all things dips, but I draw the line at mysterious gelatinous sauces.” Dan picked up a fork and poked at the meat to prove his point.

Phil took the fork from Dan. “I’m sure. Stay with me.” He turned and kissed Dan on the cheek.

“Of course, love,” Dan whispered sweetly.

They might be in a harshly lit hospital room, surprised with the biggest responsibility of their lives, but Phil felt more in love with Dan than he ever had before. The way Dan embraced Phil and this scary, exciting mistake with so much joy and support, comforted him endlessly and made all of the unknowns a little less daunting. He couldn’t imagine going through this with anyone else.

Just as Phil was about to start picking at his vegetables, a nurse showed up carrying a metal tray. He was tall and broad with bottle-blonde swoopy hair, and big muscles pulled at his scrub sleeves. The man’s style belonged in the 2000s, but his smile was dashing, and Phil was practically drooling. There were small medicine cups on his tray, and he set one down on Phil’s side table beside his food.

“These are your prenatal vitamins. One general prenatal multivitamin with folic acid, and a second prescription vitamin for carriers. Tomorrow you’ll get the prescription with your discharge paperwork, as well as recommendations for good over the counter prenatal multivitamins. You’ll want to take it about two hours after you eat, a nurse should be in to remind you.”

Phil nodded eagerly, and the nurse flashed him another bright smile.

“Let us know if you need anything. I know the food can be… rough. A little tip- the best vending machines are on the first floor,” he winked at Dan, “and congratulations!”

He left swiftly, Phil watching as he went. As lovely as that treat was, nerves bubbled up inside him. That was the first time he had been congratulated. It reminded him that they would have to tell people some time and celebrate the news with others. All Phil wanted to do was coop up with Dan and keep this their happy little secret, to protect himself and his baby with privacy. But eventually, that would be impossible.

“We’re having a baby and your ogling the sexy male nurse?” Dan sassed with one eyebrow raised high in judgment, but his lips playfully smiled.

Phil laughed and leaned against Dan, all of his sudden reservations disappearing as quickly as they came. They were having a baby. 

- - - - - -

Dan was stressed and exhausted beyond belief. But he pushed all of that away as well as he could, trying his best to be there for Phil, who was pregnant, with their child. It didn’t feel real, but he knew that this bubble they were hiding in would pop soon. He was already itching to pull out his phone and google six million questions. They had already asked the doctors what they could first think of, but the shock had impeded his thoughts.

Obviously, he was so so happy and excited. Every time Dan looked over at Phil, the love of his life, with this new perspective and understanding, he melted with pride and adoration. Dan always wanted to be a father, and as the two of them continued through this wild journey they had created together, he was only more convinced of that fact. Phil was his partner through life, and now in parenting, even if it was sooner than they anticipated.

So, for now, Dan was going to focus on doing everything he could to make Phil feel comfortable and supported. This was supposed to be a joyous occasion, and it was not the time to weigh them down with all of his existential fears of biological reproduction and child-rearing.

“How are you feeling, babe? Do you need anything?” Dan asked Phil, who was cuddled against his side, tucked under his arm.

“I’m okay.”

“Only okay? Is something wrong?” He tried to look down and read Phil’s emotions, but his eyes were closed. It was getting late.

“I just wish I was home,” Phil said quietly.

“Yeah,” Dan sighed. “I don’t want to go.” But he knew he would have to.

He hated Phil being in hospital more than anything. It smelled weird, like cleaner and plastic. Every noise was unknown, and it set him on edge. And the lighting was absolutely atrocious. But the worst was how useless it made him feel. Dan would go to the ends of the earth for Phil, do anything and everything that man asked of him, and never look back. That was taken from him within these walls, and the care and well-being of his greatest love were left up to the doctors and nurses.

Seeing Phil after he had to change into a hospital gown honestly made him queasy. He was always beautiful, if not more so know that he was carrying Dan’s child, but he hated what that gown represented. It meant that at any moment, anything could go wrong, and Phil could be whisked away to be worked on, and that was frightening. Even if that was completely unlikely in this scenario, all Dan wanted was Phil to be back in his comfy jumper, and for them to be lying in bed at home.

“You promise you’ll be here right away to pick me up tomorrow?” Phil asked. His voice was so tiny and tired and scared, and it broke Dan’s heart.

“Absolutely.” He kissed Phil’s forehead. “First thing tomorrow and not a second later. And then we’ll be home together.”

***

The nurses almost had to drag Dan away. He didn’t want to leave Phil all alone in hospital, not after everything they had been through that day, and especially not now that they knew he was pregnant. It was Dan’s job to keep Phil and their baby safe and cared for, and he couldn’t do that if they weren’t together. But they were both sleepy, and he knew how important it was for Phil to get rest.

Their home was dark and quiet, and the familiarity embraced him after spending much of his day away. Dan headed straight to the bedroom en-suite for a shower. Now that he was alone, there was nothing else to hold back all of the questions and worries that were eating his brain apart.

Phil had alcohol and sushi and an unbelievable amount of coffee in the past seven weeks- how much would that hurt the baby? How often should they see a doctor? What were the best parenting classes to take? How far could they travel? Should he get Phil one of those giant body pillows? Would Phil be likely to faint again?

And even though he knew Phil was a carrier and they had talked about it and seen all the doctors, Dan felt so dumb about all of it. His science classes most certainly failed to teach him anything but a few paragraphs, and he had only done minimal research with Phil. And now he had to learn all about parenting too. Dan thought he was pretty okay at holding babies by now, but other than that, he knew shit about how to raise a human being. Would he even be a good father?

Despite his whirring thoughts and fears, exhaustion had a tighter hold on him, and as Dan settled into bed with an alarm set for early the next morning, he drifted off into a fitful sleep.

- - - - -

Phil was relieved to be in normal clothes and not a hospital gown anymore. Skinny jeans and his purple striped jumper were much warmer and less exposing. He pulled his sleeves over his hands, impatiently waiting for Dan, who had just texted that he arrived and was on his way upstairs. Phil’s checkout forms were being processed, and all he needed were the papers from the nurse before he could go.

A doctor showed up very early that morning to double-check that he was fit to leave, and it had woken Phil up from whatever little bit of sleep he managed to get. But it meant that Phil got to hear the heartbeat one more time before their next appointment, and that made him less irritated.

The rhythmic swooping sound was magical, even when it wasn’t accompanied by the ultrasound images. Yesterday he was in shock when he heard it, still processing the fact that he was pregnant, let alone that what he was hearing was a heartbeat. Today he could really listen to how fast and strong it was, and start to understand that he was pregnant with this child who was healthy and growing.  

Dan rounded the corner into the room and smiled tiredly when he saw Phil. They were both relieved to be with each other again. Phil got up from his bed and hugged his boyfriend, and he felt Dan press a quick kiss to his cheek before embracing. It wasn’t often that they were forced to spend the night apart.

“Good morning, love,” Phil greeted, his voice muffled in Dan’s jacket.

“I missed you,” Dan said and squeezed Phil once more before letting go.

“I missed you too. I got like no sleep in this stupid bed.” Phil motioned at the bed as he sat back down, and Dan took the chair beside it.

“I’m sorry. Are you feeling any better?”

Phil shrugged. “Sort of, I guess. The dizziness and headache are gone, but they said it could return if I’m not basically downing water all the time. So, I’m just blah. And I want coffee.”

Dan pouted and reached out to hold his hand. “We’ll make sure to keep you hydrated, my little houseplant,” he teased, “and they did say you could have a cup of coffee a day.”

“But that’s not enough,” Phil groaned.

Restricting his caffeine intake was one of the seemingly endless restrictions he should take. When a nurse came back with his prescription, she presented him with a navy blue folder full of pamphlets and papers for them to look over before seeing his specialist for the rest of his care. And she said it was only an overview. He would be getting a full rundown from the specialist about how to change his lifestyle to accommodate growing a person, not to mention all the websites and books they were getting recommended.

They glanced through the folder on their ride home, and while Dan seemed eager to read it all, Phil wanted to chuck it out the window. Not only did he get sent home from hospital feeling only mildly better, but it was with a reassurance that it wouldn’t get much better, and the doctors said it with a smile. ‘Congratulations, no one can do anything to make you comfortable, and you're going to love it.’

It felt nice to get back to their flat, and he could tell Dan had burned one of his favorite candles before leaving. It smelled warm and musky, and that helped Phil feel better. But before he realized what Dan was doing, Phil’s coat was taken off his shoulder, and he was guided to their bedroom.

“Oh?” Was all Phil could think to say.

“You have had a very long week and deserve to spend the day in bed, resting. Anything you need, I’ll get for you,” Dan told him as he tucked him under the comforter.

“Really, Dan, you’re sweet, but I don’t need to-”

“So, you’re not tired at all after a whole day and night in hospital?” Dan raised his eyebrows knowingly.

Phil did admit that morning that he got awful sleep. He was planning to power through it on his one ration of coffee, but a nap wasn’t a bad idea either. And their bed was so soft, pulling him deeper into the mattress.

He gave in. “Okay, fine.” However, he had a condition. “But only if you lay with me.”

Dan smiled cheekily and climbed in next to him without hesitation. Phil turned to his side so he could be the little spoon and hummed contently as they slotted perfectly against each other.

“I love you,” Dan whispered into his ear, “and our baby.” He slipped his hand just under Phil’s sweater, and his fingertips traced along the flat of his stomach.

There was nothing there, of course, their little peanut nestled deep within him, but it made Phil shiver. Maybe that was the coldness of Dan’s hands, but the idea that someday soon there would be a round bump there made his heart flip. It wasn’t all excitement that simmered within him, but Dan didn’t need to know that.

“I love you too.”

- - - - -

Dan woke up, disoriented in an empty bed, and he frowned. It was terrible enough when he got up alone this morning, knowing Phil was away from him. But when they snuggled up for a nap, all of that was forgotten. He should still have his love tight in his arms. His phone told him it was later in the afternoon, so it had been a few hours. That would explain why his brain was slow to catch up to him. Dan grumbled and found slippers, padding out into the flat in search of Phil.

Upstairs in the kitchen, Phil was sitting at the table working on his laptop. It looked as if he had a shower, with his quiff styled and contacts in. This was not what Dan intended for when they came home. He knew all too well about Phil’s overworking tendencies, and he wanted at least one day where they could put work away and enjoy the news by themselves.

“You’re out of out of bed,” Dan grumbled, a tad whiney.

Phil looked up from his laptop. “Well, it’s two in the afternoon, yeah. But I enjoyed our nap.”

“I wanted it to be a lazy day.” He sat opposite Phil, and crossed his legs in his lap, stealing a sip of coffee from the Mario mug on the table.

“Hey! That’s mine!” Phil took the mug back in an instant, holding it against him protectively. “If I only get one of these a day, there’s gonna be no more sneaky sips. I’ve gotta savor it.”

Dan rolled his eyes endearingly. “If you’re going to make it last, then you need to make sure you’re drinking water in between.”

“Trust me, I’ve got it.” Phil shut him down, just a little snippy.

Dan let it roll off him, he knew that some of the food restrictions would be tough.

“I’ve scheduled some stories from yesterday to go up to keep the fans occupied. Right now, I’m working on a video idea that I want to get out fast; that way, everyone can move on and won’t notice anything is up. Sound good?” Phil rattled off, not even looking up from his typing.

Dan blinked at the change in topic. He figured they would have to deal with the fans at some point, especially since Marianne had sent them a long email about how to handle this online. But that conversation could’ve waited for at least some time, considering all that had developed since they had last contacted family and their team. No one even knew that Phil spent the night at hospital.  

“Okay… yeah, I guess. What are you going to say?”

Phil pulled up his phone and handed it over to Dan. “That everything is fine. Focus on the fainting, distract them with brain stuff. I recommend you do something, too, since they’ll know you were there.”

“Sure…”

Dan knew that Phil didn’t always like it when parts of their life that were explicitly private crossed over with their public life like this. It made personal matters, business, and business matters, personal. They tried to avoid that by keeping every bit of control they could, and in this situation, they were very out of control. But Phil’s blunt attitude about it was abrasive and unsettling.

Dan reached out and stilled Phil’s hand on the computer mouse. “Hey, just stop a sec.”

Thankfully, he seemed to get the idea that Dan wanted a little sincerity and tilted the laptop screen down.

“Are you okay, Phil?”

“Yes, I promise. I’m actually feeling better than I have for most of the week. That’s why I’ve been trying to get stuff done.” Phil’s voice and features softened, and that’s what Dan wanted.

“That’s good. I just don’t want you overworked right out of hospital.”

“I won’t, don’t worry,” Phil said gently, “and since I’m not as nauseous, why don’t we have Dominos? I think we deserve it.”

Dan smiled widely at the idea. It was perfect, and he should’ve thought of it first. “Definitely. I’ll order in a few hours after I get some work done myself.” He unfolded himself and got up from the chair, walking around behind Phil. “And we can look over that folder more tonight, yeah?”

He could see Phil’s hesitation in his shoulders. “Um… I’d rather not. I’ve just had too much medical stuff to deal with already, can it wait?”

Dan rubbed the tenseness out of his boyfriend's shoulders and leaned over to kiss him on the top of his head. “We’ll watch something instead.”

***

Phil put off talking about the pregnancy folder for several more days. Dan could tell they both were referencing it since the location of the folder kept moving throughout the flat. But it seemed like they could never talk about it together. And honestly, he wasn’t sure if Phil was actually reading through the information, or just hiding it away from the obvious places Dan would leave it.

It was infuriating trying to corral Phil, the master of avoidance, into having at least one serious discussion about the baby. The doctor's appointment was coming up, and they needed to be on the same page. And since Phil wouldn’t simply talk to him about what was going on, Dan had to ask or help without being asked. He hoped that ‘Mr. I’m Fine’ was as unbothered by symptoms as he said he was, but that was overly optimistic.

Dan’s endless googling made it worse. At first, he was only googling words and concepts from the information in the folder that he didn’t understand. But then he fell down holes of research, and an unnamed file on his desktop was soon overflowing with saved documents and webpages. And of course, his good-intentioned questions and inquiries pulled up forums and research papers about debates and dangers and worst-case scenarios. Dan’s secret researching was overtaking him; it distracted him from work and kept him up at night with worry about Phil, who was right there next to him but not letting him in.

- - - - -

If Phil were honest with himself, he would say that he was doing a poor job of adjusting to being pregnant. All of the rules he suddenly needed to obey were overwhelming, and the unpredictable nature of symptoms made him feel so out of control of his own mind and body. Sometimes it really did feel like he was the host to a tiny little parasite that wanted to suck the life out of him.

Morning sickness was more like night sickness, with nausea always hitting the worst at night. He would lie awake for hours on end, unable to fall asleep, his stomach lurching. During the day, he was usually able to smile through the exhaustion from not sleeping, barely getting by on his one cup of coffee. But the tiredness always caught up to him and left him drained and weak. He would crawl away from his laptop and curl up on the sofa or in bed to nap, and as if his body knew how desperately he needed some rest, nausea would kick in again. It was a wicked cycle, and Phil was powerless against it.

It terrified him. This wasn’t Phil. He always took every opportunity handed to him by storm, trying his best to do great work. Now he was pregnant, a door opened that he and Dan thought closed on them a long time ago. He should be grateful and happy, planning to give their baby a wonderful life, appreciating these precious few months because it probably wouldn’t happen again.

Instead, Phil was hiding in their dark bedroom, avoiding Dan and that stupid blue folder. He loved his boyfriend so much, but if Phil had to hear one more nagging question, he was going to lose his mind. The pestering started with the folder that Dan seemed so desperate to bring up anytime they were together and not busy. It was important, and their doctor's appointment was in two days, but the sight of all those handouts about pregnancy and parenting taunted him. They were just another reminder of the daunting months ahead and his failure to be excited for them.

At some point, Dan let the folder go. Instead, he took it into his own hands to help Phil with every single thing. The back massages were sweet, and he appreciated not having to do the dishes or laundry as often, but Phil wasn’t incompetent. He could make his own food, reach for things out of the way, and open the damn door.

As Phil lay in bed, he could feel the sickly turbulence bubble up in his stomach again, and he groaned. At this point, he was getting anxious when he could tell nausea was coming and anxious when it wasn’t there. He was tired of it. Phil tossed the blankets off and clambered out of bed. The blobby peanut parasite wasn’t going to take another perfectly fine evening from him. There was a whole list of things that needed to get done, and at the top of it was making his video about him fainting.

After a quick touch up in the bathroom, Phil bounded up the steps, ignoring how his sudden energy was upsetting his stomach even more. Dan looked up at him from the sofa, where he was playing on the Switch, and paused the game.

“Whatcha doing?” Dan asked, curiously.

“Making a video. I just needed those MRI scans.” Phil walked past him without stopping and into the kitchen, looking on the counter where they kept important papers.

The manila envelope that held his brain scans was where he left it, and the navy-blue pregnancy folder was also there. In his flurry, he almost wanted to ‘accidentally’ drop it behind the counter where it would be lost. But he felt Dan’s scrutinous gaze on him and only took the envelope.

Dan was still watching him as he walked back to the stairs. “You’re doing it now?”

“Yeah. You know I like filming in the evening.” It wasn’t lost on Phil that it was already ten at night, and by the time he got properly started on the video, the ‘morning’ sickness would be in full force.

He thought he heard Dan yell something else after him, but Phil ignored it and went into his AmazingPhil room. He flicked the overhead lights on and straightened the iconic bedspread. The sound of his boyfriend’s feet on the stairs followed him, and Phil rolled his eyes. Of course, he knew something was up. Dan always knew when Phil was acting off, and while it was nice to have his partner know him so well, he didn’t need this right now.

Dan lingered in the doorway as Phil plugged the lights in.

“Here, let me help you,” Dan offered, reaching towards the bundled extension cord in Phil’s hand.

That simple gesture was all it took to make him snap.

“I don’t fucking need help! Can you back off for once?” Phil yelled.

Dan stumbled away, his eyes wide with shock at Phil’s sudden outburst. “Oh… okay. There’s no need to yell,” Dan muttered timidly.

“I’m perfectly capable of filming my own video. I’m pregnant, not injured.” His voice wasn’t as loud but still raised. Phil waited for Dan’s retort, ready and willing to carry on the fight he just picked, but it never came.

Dan had withdrawn, and he shrunk down like a kicked dog. “I’m sorry.”

All of the pent-up frustration that Phil was carrying fizzled out as quickly as it came. He looked at Dan, his loving boyfriend, who just wanted to help, and the hurt in his eyes. Dan didn’t even try to argue with him and backed down almost immediately, which was entirely unlike him.

It made Phil sick with guilt for being so aggressive and defensive. In his moment of pause, his stomach, disturbed by the forced energy, rolled violently. Phil’s hand flew to cover his mouth, and he was going to be ill.

- - - - -

Dan knew what that pale, frantic look meant, and he leaped out of the way, making room for Phil to run past and into the bedroom. He followed behind quickly, one hand on his boyfriends back as they rushed to the en-suite bathroom. Phil knelt over the toilet bowl and sicked up his dinner, while Dan rubbed his back through the intense convulsions.

Once it seemed to stop, nothing left but the occasional dry heave, Dan stood up at the sink and wet a grey flannel. Phil was sheet white and panting, and he was still clutched onto the rim of the bowl with dear life. Tenderly, Dan eased him away and against the wall so he could flush the contents away. He took the cold, wet flannel and wiped at Phil’s face and mouth, tossing it into the bathtub when he was done.

“There you go, are you feeling a little better now?” Dan asked, brushing his hands through Phil’s quiff to fix it.

The look in those pale blue eyes was so pained, and they quickly spilled over with tears.

“Oh no, Phil, it’s okay,” he soothed, reaching out and pulling his boyfriend into his arms.

Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s shoulders, crying into the crook of his neck.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Phil whimpered.

“Shh, I know, you don’t have to worry about that.” He still wasn’t sure why Phil was crying; they had argued plenty of times before, and it had sometimes gotten a lot more heated than that. “There’s no need to cry.”

Phil pulled away and looked up at the ceiling, blinking away tears. “I don’t even know why I’m crying, and it makes me cry more.”

“Well, I think that’s normal because of hormones.”

Dan crawled to sit next to Phil against the wall. The tiled floor was cold and uncomfortable, but it seemed like they were finally at a place to talk. So be it if it was in the stale smelling bathroom. Phil had calmed down, apart from a few sniffles.

“Ugh, I hate it.” Phil groaned.

“Hate what?” Dan wasn’t sure if he was referring to the vomiting, crying, or… “Do you not want to be-”

Phil grabbed Dan’s arm, reassuringly, “No, I do; I really want to have our baby. I promise. You know it’s something I’ve always wanted. I just didn’t think it would be like this. It like, really fucking sucks.”

Dan snorted lightly at the cavalier attitude. But then he frowned. How long has this been going on? How awful has he been feeling, while Dan was clueless?  

“I didn’t know. You haven’t been telling me anything, Phil. I want to be here for you.”

“I know you do, and you’ve been so caring,” he leaned his head against Dan’s shoulder, “but I feel useless. I’m sick at night, tired during the day, and completely terrified all the time. We went to hospital and then suddenly everything changes, and I’m responsible for making this life. It’s so much pressure, and it’s scary, and there’s all this stuff to read and plan and do, and I don’t know how.”

Their hands found each other and intertwined, and Dan brought them up and pressed a kiss to their locked fingers.

“We’ll figure it out together, okay? I’ll let up on the over-helping, but you’ve gotta tell me what you need. You’re not alone in this.”

He felt Phil nod vigorously and then tilt his head. Dan looked down, glad to see the tiniest smile. It had been a couple days since Phil’s looked happy, and he missed it.

“And Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll look over the folder with you. I know that’s important to you- to us- and the peanut.”

Dan smiled back. “Tomorrow. But how about we get ready for bed. Should I draw you a bath?”

“That would be great, thank you.”

Dan separated himself, getting up to start the bathwater. Phil eased himself from the floor and brushed his teeth. He was starting to feel better about how this whole expecting-parents thing was going to work, even if it scared him too. As he struck a match and lit the cupcake candle in front of him, two broad arms circled around his waist, and Phil kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear.

“You’re going to be an amazing dad.”

[agust2]

happy holidays

[definitelynot-danielhowell-old]

You’re welcome

[agust2]

phil’s biggest dream #mpreg #preggo #pregnart #preg

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