#mrs-menow

[mostlynotwork]

You know you're poly when... ... you can't be with your girlfriend on your anniversary so you spend the morning sorting out her other partner's birthday gift.  Then in the afternoon your wife hangs out with you at the mall while you look for a birthday present for your girlfriend. All this while you're having a four way messenger chat about which Pokemon you've caught.

My life some days.

[mostlynotwork]

Polychallenge 3.0 - Day 2: When did you first realise you were not monogamous? What was that experience like?

While there are some questions in the #polychallenge where there's potential for the answer to evolve and change over time, this doesn't feel like one of them.

I think my second attempt at answering this covers it pretty well.

In my original answer, I highlighted a conversation with my high-school girlfriend as the earliest inclination that I might be ok with non-monogamy. 

In my senior year at high school I remember telling my girlfriend of the time that I would rather share her than give her up. At least part of the motivation for that statement came from fear. Fear that I would never find someone else (or at least not as amazing as her) if she left me, and that I would rather have her on a shared basis than not at all. To be clear, it wasn’t the only factor. I would actually have been fine with sharing so long as I still received enough of her time and affection. But since we’re being honest here, I should acknowledge that fear and insecurity was probably in the mix at the time. 

That kind of fear isn’t really part of the poly equation for me these days. As I pointed out in my original post, once I came to realize that I could get by on my own if I needed to, polyamory actually become a lot easier. But that early experience really needs to be seen in terms of the bigger picture that is my poly journey. As I wrote in my Tumblr post “From Monogamy to Polyamory: One couple’s relationship evolution”; 

The Menow’s journey from monogamy to polyamory is one of evolution, rather than revolution. While there were particular events that channeled Mrs Menow and I down this path, it’s something that came about over time. 

As for how I feel about that early experience? I don’t think that conversation was really a turning point in my life, or one of those moments where you go “ah-hah” and the world suddenly makes more sense. But looking back it’s interesting to consider that even before I had heard the word polyamory, I was open to the idea of sharing. 

There's not really much I think I can add to this answer, so I'm going to leave it stand.

[mostlynotwork]

Polychallenge 3.0 - Day 1: Describe the type of non-monogamous relationship you have.

(skip to end for tl:dr)

Nearly five years ago, I drew inspiration from completion of the 30 Day LGBTQ writing challenge by @theintellectualhomosexual​ ^^  and created the ‘Fourteen Day Non-Monogamy’ challenge. My aim was to create a writing prompt that encouraged non-monogamous folks, especially those involved in polyamory, to publicly explore what non-monogamy meant to them.

Personally, the challenge is a structured way for me to reflect on my poly journey, and examine how my views are evolving over time.

So here I am on my third round of answering these questions. My challenge for today is to describe the type of non-monogamous relationship I have.

I still describe my relationship as polyamorous, though the configuration continues to change.

In v1 of of this challenge, I was part of a “v”, with Mrs Menow at the center of the V, and myself and her then partner (MMB) the tips of the V. By the time of v2.0, I was dating Rainbow, so was the center of a V with Rainbow and Mrs Menow, neither of whom were seeing other people at that time. Just at the moment, poly for me looks more like a bit of a “Z”. I’m connected directly to Mrs Menow and Rainbow, and Rainbow then connected to Eando.

One thing that hasn't changed since the previous attempts at answering this question is that polyamory remains my preferred type of non-monogamy.

I think polyamorous is the closest because it captures something important to me – the freedom to become emotionally, not just physically involved with the people I meet.  When I meet (and fall for) someone, I want to be able to share as much of me as feels natural for that unique relationship.

As I noted at the time, I'm not against the idea of a casual fling. But it's important to be able to engage with people on more than a single dimensions (such as sex). Hence, even for a FWB type arrangement to work for me, I think the Friends element needs to be present. Ideally there should  be the freedom to explore whether it should be more, or less than that, over time.

What has changed is a greater recognition that any new relationship is going to be impacted by existing relationships. And visa versa. As I came to appreciate last year, there are trade offs to be made and a careful balancing act as you try to bring more people in to the mix.

What hasn't changed is that the type of poly I am involved in remains very family-centric. Christmas involved having everyone, including children, involved. And the other weekend we shared a family day out that involved the Menow’s , Rainbow, Eando and Eando’s children.

So...

TL:DR I am polyamorous. My life is currently shared with two beautiful women and an extended poly family includes the children of my partners, and the children of their others partners.

^^ At the time I think going under the name Toptobottom or something similar.

[mostlynotwork]

Mr Menow catch-up: Rebuilding, recovering and looking to the future.

My stress levels have started to come back down, and vacation time is so close now I can almost taste those sun-smart drinks. Perhaps when I return from travelling I'll feel recharged at work. More importantly, I hope to have the energy to be more supportive of the people in my life who need my love, devotion and energy. And that includes me.

It's been a busy and stressful few months, but it's time I got back to doing things I love. And that includes writing. So for those of you still following me and wondering what I've been up to, let me fill you in.

Perceptions of time and space can become strangely warped when you find yourself dealing with a combination of stress, fatigue and doing too much work. It produces what I call 'taffy time'. Time becomes like sticky taffy, it seems to slow down and hold you in it, but at the same time everything blends together making individual moments indistinguishable and just part of the overall sticky mess.

The last couple of months have included a lot of 'taffy time'. Just as with this time last year, work became a heavy load to bear. In particular, the group assignment we had to do as part of a work related course became a ravenous beast that fed not only on my hours at work, but also nibbled, gnawed and ate away at the precious time I have away from the office.

With less time for the things I enjoy, I found myself in a stress inducing spiral. The more stressed I became, the more effort even little things seemed to take. Before long I was stressing over how stressed I was, and worrying over the impact my anxiousness was having on those around me. I was at the wheel, trying to steer my life, but mostly doing so in a state of post adrenaline fatigue.

With my senses impaired, it’s fair to say I probably wasn’t picking up or responding to all the cues that I normally would from the world around me .Like a drunk driver, I did a poor job of steering through situations that a more relaxed me would probably have handled better, including some personal decisions I made during that time.

Now I'm back with my business coach trying to rebuild. I'm hopeful it won't take as long this time. I don't feel quite as depleted as last year, though Rainbow and Mrs Menow may have their own view on whether I ended up in a worse place or not this time. And having the benefit of the tools and knowledge developed with my coach previously, I'm arguably starting this journey in a better place.

Once again I need to go through the process of placing importance on, and making time for, the things that make me happy. Things like;

Spending time with Menow Jnr, Mrs Menow and Rainbow,

Reading for leisure, not just work,

Creating - be it writing, photography or something new,

Getting back to running or riding so I can feel fit again.

And now that I don’t have a head exploding from work induced stress, I may just have the mental and physical capacity to at least attempt to do the  whole “possibly seeing someone new” thing the right way.

My stress levels have started to come back down, and vacation time is so close now I can almost taste those sun-smart drinks. Perhaps when I return from travelling I'll feel recharged at work. More importantly, I hope to have the energy to be more supportive of the people in my life who need my love, devotion and energy. And that includes me.

[mostlynotwork]

‘Cos you’ve got to make choices

Poly means you aren’t constrained in the same way as monogamy. But it doesn't mean you will be free from having to choose between the difficult right and easy wrong. Sometimes the choices you face as a poly person are every bit as difficult as those faced by monogamous folks.

It might be tempting to think that being poly gets you out of having to choose between people. But my experience has shown there's still choices to be made. Some are easy, but other remain heart achingly difficult.

Compared to monogamy, polyamory provides more flexibility in terms of who and how you include people in your life. The 'rules' of monogamy that state you can only have one love, or one partner, don’t  apply the same way to poly folks. In that sense, it’s true that poly means you’re no longer forced to choose which person you love gets the prize of being your sole companion. But I think sometimes people misinterpret this as meaning you no longer have to choose between people. In my experience, poly still requires choices to be made.

On my poly journey, some choice have been easier than others.

I constantly have to make choices about how I allocate the scarce time in my week. It’s a constant juggling act, balancing  work, Menow Jnr, Mrs Menow, Rainbow - and time to myself.  Let me tell you, being poly doesn’t get you out of having to make choices about who you spend your Saturday morning with.

I’m very fortunate that Mrs Menow and Rainbow have become such close friends,  as I can often combine my time with the two of them  But having one on one time requires making choices about who I will spend my time with and when. Travelling to spend the weekend with Rainbow means not only giving up time with Mrs Menow, but missing out on time with Menow Jnr and watching him play sport. I’m happy with the balance I’ve struck, but it does requires some fairly diligent analysis of one’s Google Calendar.

But there have been much harder decisions to make.

Can I be the one Espy comes home to at night?

As my poly journey has progressed, I’ve had to make some difficult choices about whether to pursue relationships. Like my relationship with Espy.

Espy and I met a couple of years after Mrs Menow and I opened up. I fell for her in a big way. She was caring, personable and  funny. She also had such beautiful deep, dark brown eyes that I virtually melted and .fell in to them whenever I saw her. Espy also helped me get through a rough patch in my life by getting me running again.

I was incredibly  attracted to her at an emotional and personal level.

But Espy wanted someone to come home to each night.

Though a combined poly household would have made that a possibility, Espy was still conflicted by poly. It  went against her upbringing, and she couldn’t imagine  how she could be comfortable having a poly family picnic in the park.” What would I say if someone saw us?” she worried.

So I was was faced with a tough choice. Concede that we would only ever be friends and let her continue her search for the “one to come home to” - or continue the relationship and hope that Espy would come to accept poly.

I chose the former.  It was extremely painful at the time to give up that budding relationship But in the end it as for the best. Espy is now very happily married and things have worked out well for me. But clearly, being poly didn’t spare me from having to make a choice.

Walking past Rainbow

Getting together with Rainbow also involved some difficult choices for me early on.You see, I actually knew Rainbow for about a year before we started going out. 

At first Rainbow’s husband had been comfortable with our coffee and dinner catch up. But it soon became apparent he wasn’t keen on us seeing each other.

So my first difficult decision was - would I keep seeing Rainbow behind her husbands back?  On the one hand, here was someone I was getting to know who I really enjoyed spending time with. Against this, I didn’t want a shady affair. I wanted a relationship that was open and honest, not one where the tone was set by cheating and clandestine meetings.

So, despite not knowing exactly when I would see Rainbow again, we agreed not to see each other.

When Rainbow’s then husband started trying to stop us even communicating, I faced a similar dilemma. Stay in touch, to the displeasure of Rainbow’s husband? Or give up my new friend? I wrestled with that one for a while, and based on some well chosen words by Mrs Menow, decided that I’d stay in touch but still avoid seeing Rainbow..

In the end, we kept in touch but never saw each other. There was even a day where I walked straight past Rainbow at the markets. She watched me walk right by without saying a word.

It was only after she left her husband that we  actually came together in person again.

Hard choices can be worthwhile choices

Keeping a distance from Rainbow while she was still with her husband was a tough decision. But it’s one I’m glad I made. This way I can take some pride in being true to my  ambition of honest and open polyamory. I set myself a high standard and I stuck to it as best I could. It’s not a standard I necessarily expect everyone else to hold to. However it probably explains  why i can get frustrated when people aren’t honest or open.

Poly means you aren’t constrained in the same way as monogamy. But it doesn't mean you will be free from having to choose between the difficult right and easy wrong. Sometimes the choices you face as a poly person are every bit as difficult as those faced by monogamous folks. 

[mostlynotwork]

And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways Maybe just the touch of a hand Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day And I just wanna tell you I am

And sometimes it’s just a random event, like spilling a drink, that can set you on that path of a life of love.

[mostlynotwork]

I still miss Rainbow so much when I have to say 'goodbye' and get on the bus to go home. But it's wonderful to know that at either end of the that journey is a family I love and who loves me in return.

[mostlynotwork]

Dark imaginings and stepping in to the light

In the beginning - the stretch.

The last month or so has been something of a challenge for me. In fact, take out the couple of weeks holidays I had in July and and the last four months have been a challenge.

And not necessarily a good challenge.

More the sort of challenge that has you every day wondering when you'll feel yourself again.

It began when my boss stopped showing up - at first mentally, then physically. It meant our team was not only short a person, but that for most of May I was landed with doing a lot of the writing for our team, and writing to very short deadlines.

Then I was enrolled in a staff development program. That should have been a positive thing. Indeed,  the few days we spent out of the office learning new skills were a welcome break from the busyness of day to day work. But part of this program was a a "stretch" project. A stretch in that we were expected to do most of the work in our own time, even though the output of the project would primarily benefit the business.

This project arrived just in time to coincide with my boss mysteriously no longer working for our organization. So now my days were busier, and I began to lose some of the evenings to work.

Even the evenings where I wasn't physically working, mentally I just wasn't there the way I should have been. I was either too tired or still stressing over just how "stretched" my project was. No matter how many times Rainbow or Mrs Menow tried to point out this project wasn't really a big deal - knowing it was there to be delivered and we were being judged on it was stressing me. 

"it's meant to be a stretch" my acting boss, who I count as a friend, kept telling me. But no matter how many times I said that it was over stretching me, I don't think she ever really understood just what the combination of events was doing to me. I don't think she ever really understood how close I was to telling her and the company to fuck themselves and then curling up in the park and crying. Or how close I came to just walking out some days and taking myself off to see the corporate physch.

In hindsight, perhaps I would have been better had I done that. Perhaps it would have spared Mrs Menow and Rainbow from having to deal for so long with the tired and empty automaton I became. Perhaps it would have spared them from the endless complaining about the project. Perhaps I may even have been there to notice the changes going on in their own lives and the challenges they were facing. But I didn't go and persisted in soldiering on. Another day in the trenches, clocking in but never really clocking off. And the end I survived, and the project was delivered. But I'm not it was worth what it has done to me, and what those who I care about most have had to endure.

Writing in the dark

Both Mrs Menow and Rainbow have commented that I haven't written much lately, at least not much of the sort of thing they enjoy reading. But writing when my mental fuel is all spent just isn't possible. And to write with the necessary sense of imagination and playfulness for the sort of thing they enjoy, I need to be standing in the light. 

And for much of the last few months I haven't been.

I've been standing in the dark. Or perhaps more leaning than standing. A pale and washed out figure in a long dark coat struggling to  prop himself up against the grimy tiled wall of a poorly like subway pedestrian tunnel.

In those places the story ideas I have had have been equally dark.

I imagined a scientist, slowly descending in to madness as he separated his consciousness in two, who then began to torture himself in order to ethically understand such torture. But is he really a man at all? As he slices in to his arm he discovers not bones beneath his flesh but metal rods and wires. So if not a man, why the torture? What is the purpose behind the experiments.

There is another story in my head based on the idea of outer body experiences. Would we still act morally if we could live and experience a life through the mind and body of another, whilst fleeing to a new body when the time came for consequences? How long can one escape the consequences of ones actions for?

And then there is Dmitri, stuck in a parallel universe somewhere. I know Rainbow would like to see Dmitri find his way home eventually. But I fear for how dark Dmitri's path might have been had I tried to write his story these past few months. And so he stays where he is. Somewhere between here and there.

It's not that I don't want to write. I really do. It's something I enjoy. But writing when I felt I was running on empty was too hard. And Im not sure writing in the dark would have been a good idea anyway.

Stepping in to the light 

Which brings me to this week and the end of the project. Of course Rainbow and Mrs Menow were right. The project is insignificant and will no doubt be forgotten long before the next time anyone reviews my pay or promotion prospects.

There's still plenty of work to do of course. There always will be.

But it's time for me to step in to the light. Time for me to come home and enjoy curling up with Mrs Menow while we watch some Heston. Time to throw off those heavy dark ropes that have tied me down and get my creativity going again. Time to smile, stand tall, then bend over for a good spanking from Rainbow. 

And time to pay more attention to what's been happening in the lives of the people I care about. To make sure I am present for them and can care for them the way they have cared for me these last few months. 

So will there be more writing here? Perhaps. I'm throwing off the heavy coat and taking the steps to walk out of that dark tunnel and in to the light. And when I get there, who knows what new stories I will have to share.