August 25, 2009
Wait a minute! This is August! That wasn't Santa! But why would a random stranger need to measure my penis? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 82
William Shatner signed up on Twitter as @williamshatner. Personally, I would have gone with something much more colorful, like @shathimself. @msteciuk (Maggie Steciuk) – 71
I'm banned from driving muscle cars because I just tested positive for Yoplait lowfat yogurt. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 71
For every fun sex life there is an equal and opposite baby. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 69
Climbing up the ladder here in Washington. I've just been granted Pop Secret clearance. It's for some sort of microwave radiation project. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 67
Actually, Barnes & Noble, I think I'll save *100%* on Dan Brown's follow-up to The Da Vinci Code. @zeldman (Jeffrey Zeldman) – 59
I've just discovered the best new drinking game. You do a shot every time your family members say "Intervention". @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 57
The great thing about living in the hospital is that I can walk around in a gown with my ass hanging out and feel right at home. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 56
Melanie Griffith's publicist announced she is going to rehab. This is surprising; why would Melanie Griffith still need a publicist? @rafitorres (Rafael Torres) – 56
I can't remember what Jim did to piss me off, but I yelled "I'm not drunk enough to sleep with you!" in the middle of the restaurant. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 56
Watching Discovery Health's "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." Next up, "Totally Just Noticed I'm White," followed by "Whoa, I Have TITS?" @sloganeerist (jtdobbs) – 55
Passive-Aggressive Robot: "IGNORE ME. I WILL JUST SIT HERE. COUNTING THE MILLISECONDS UNTIL MY ATOMIC FUEL CELL DECAYS. I AM OPTIMAL." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54
No matter how fast you're going, driving is more fun when you say "WHEEEE!!!" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54
By using a hemp basket to mix local bamboo, old CFLs, and fair-trade coffee grounds, you can generate a full week's supply of empty gestures @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 52
Mark your calendars: I'll be holding a Twitter Wit book signing at Borders this afternoon from 4 p.m. to when they notice I'm doing it. @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 51
Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem goes into a bar and orders a joke. Bartender goes, "That everything?" and the Theorem goes, "Probably not." @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 51
Just re-watched War of the Worlds. I truly believe there are beings on other planets who would travel millions of miles to kill Tom Cruise. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 50
Profoundly funny tweet #3534811238 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 50
I told my mom that success wouldn't change me. She started crying. "Why the hell not?" @nick (Nick Douglas) – 49
Bought a candy bar for 95 cents. Paid with a buck. Walking out, cashier asks if I wanted my nickel back. I refused because that band sucks. @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 47
