March 4, 2009
Whoa. That van's a-rocking. I should see if they're okay. brb @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 60
There's no way I so consistently just forget to zip the fly on this one pair of jeans. What I'm trying to say is, hey check out my dick. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 59
This cab driver has Rush Limbaugh on, loud. I'm summoning up a fart so potent, all he'll be hearing is static till he opens a window. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 50
Please confirm: Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, shiv a Mouseketeer. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 48
I love watching my wife sleep, but it feels a bit like stalking. Maybe I should try it from in the bed, instead of out here in the bushes. @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 47
My coworkers are so thoughtful. They write their names on the food in the breakroom fridge so I know who it was from. Here comes one now. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 46
If Sarah Jessica Parker and Julia Roberts could reproduce, you'd get the the world's most gorgeous foal. @phyllisstein (Daniel Shannon) – 46
Behind my son's training potty I found a jug of pruno and a shiv made out of a Spongebob toothbrush. Back to solitary! @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 45
She bet I'd never guess where she was. I tried, "In the shitter at a gay strip club?" I was wrong. "You'll never guess where I am," I added. @trelvix (Trelvix) – 43
The children you're trying to "protect from the gays" will one day turn on you. Because you're an asshole. And they'll know it. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 42
Um, no hors d'oeuvres? No slow jams? No chicks? Sometimes I wonder why I even go to these Klan rallies. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 41
I was going to write something funny about Canadian politiczzzzz- Wha? Sorry. I was going to write something funny about Canadian polizzzz @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 41
Profoundly funny tweet #1279841842 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 40
Wednesday, you have disappointed me for the last time. From now on you will be called West Thursday. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 40
My first thought after realizing I'd worn my panties inside out all day? "AWESOME, now I can wear them again!" @clapifyoulikeme (Abby Spice) – 40
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk from my wife who is breast feeding and is going to kill me. Cattle are usually a docile species. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 39
Madoff wants to keep his penthouse and $63 million. I counteroffer with him being able to keep his teeth plus a prison husband. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 39
2yr old hits sister. Her: Ow! Him: I won' do it again. 5 mins later *Smack* Her: cries Him: I sawwy. I wuv you. He's like a tiny Ike Turner @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 39
Baby-proofing a home is easy. Store the baby in a small-to-medium pet travel kennel and pack your bags for prison. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 38
Sometimes I stare at half your avatars & think "what awesomeness would be an all-girl Twitter slumber party!" And then I WHOOPS OUT OF SPACE @vmarinelli (Victoria Marinelli) – 36