September 3, 2009
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 143
Japan's new first lady says aliens once took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 123
I love that moment before stepping on stage. The rush of adrenaline, the roar of the crowd, the musky scent of my crotchless police uniform. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 85
Way back when they came up with that weird saying, cats must have worn pajamas and those pajamas must have been so totally super duper. @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 83
The Apple store had a sign in the window: "Apply within." Well duh, what else is it going to be? Orangy? @dwineman (Dan Wineman) – 81
The only horoscope you will ever need: Planets are doing stuff, so it's a good day to do stuff but be prepared in case bad stuff happens. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 80
This guy on the elevator is holding the door open just to make this ample breasted lady run. What a jerk. Now he's tweeting about it. @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 79
I'm catching up on German history and just got to the part where Hitler introduces sweeping health care reform. Chilling. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 73
You said "Thanks for the quick response!" but I know you meant "you poor sad bastard, alone at your computer, desperate for human contact." @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 71
I'd guess either for driving naked or for being on PCP. Whatever. Just hurry up with the ticket so I can get this busload of kids to school. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 63
My office. Picture the clean minimalism of the Bauhaus, De Stijl, an Apple Store. Now, forget that picture. Imagine piles of crap on a desk. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 63
Just hit an opossum scampering across the road. I feel horrible. I'm hoping that he was already dead, and just playing alive. @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 62
OH HAI ANGELA @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 58
I suck at passive-aggression. (unlike *a certain someone*...) @biorhythmist (matt) – 58
I suppose if I insist on yelling "achievement unlocked!" during sex, he has the right to call his penis The Final Boss. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 57
If they're anything like boob jobs, I cannot wait to get some big, bouncy hands from one of these "hand jobs" everyone keeps talking about. @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 53
Dear Plumbers Who Were Supposed To Be Here This Morning But Are Not Here Yet: She will kill you, you understand? She will fucking kill you. @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 52
When people talk about Snow Leopard, all I hear is blah blah blah Snow Leppard blah blah blah pour some sugar on me blah blah blah pie. @damselesque (Beth) – 51
If kids' pajamas can have feet on them, why can't I get cotton dockers with the socks attached? Oh right, "dignity." Whatever. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 51
I think the funnest part of masturbating is the drive back from the zoo. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 47
