Monsters In My Head: Chapter 15: You
Summary: You are supposed to be getting better, everything is falling into place, but maybe not as smoothly as you hoped.
Warnings: Dissociation, Flashbacks, Abusive past alluded to, dissociative amnesia, dark, angst, past trauma (if I forgot any, please let me know)
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Lyrics: If you must wait// Wait for them here in my arms as I shake// If you must weep// Do it right here in my bed as I sleep// If you must mourn my love// Mourn with the moon and the stars up above// If you must mourn, don't do it alone
You wake up to the sound of music and laughter spilling through the open door. You curl deeper into the blankets, enjoying the empty bed as you mentally prepare for the day. Bridget had asked Melissa last night for the full “Schemmenti Philly Tour,” which included the usual tourist spots as well as some of the redhead’s favorite places. Even after years of living in Philly, you had never truly explored the surrounding areas. You know that Melissa is going to give one of the best tours, but there is a prickling in your spine that you are going to be overwhelmed by all the people. You think about texting Ouida, hands already hovering over contact, but you don’t have the time before Bridget flops on the bed next to you. She wraps an arm around you before bopping your nose.
“Penny for your thoughts.”
“I really missed you,” you smile as she brushes a strand of hair behind your ear. “I am sorry…” “Nope, no apologies,” Bridget interrupts. “I know it was Kylee keeping us separated, you are not going to apologize for anything that bitch did, all that matters is we are here together now.”
You let yourself believe the words for a moment, pushing away the nagging thoughts in your brain as Bridget begins to play with your hair. You attempt to change the subject away from your own turmoil thoughts.“The tour of Philly…are you thinking of moving here?”
Bridget’s smile widens, “I thought I could keep it a secret a little longer, but you still have that sister sense, always able to know my every move before I do it; this is why I could never surprise you.”
You laugh at memories of failed surprises coming back in small flashes, “This time, I am purely projecting. I want you close…plus you seem to like Melissa.”
“Correction- I love Melissa,” the blonde clarifies, and a piece of you melts.
“That’s cause I am fuckin amazing,” Melissa says, walking in carrying three plates of food. “Don’t think I missed how my sous chef suddenly disappeared.”
Bridget laughs, sitting up in bed, “I had to check on my sister; next time I will be there for the full process.”
Melissa’s face softens as she looks at you, “Everything okay, mi amore?”
You nod, taking the plate from her as she leans down to kiss your forehead, “Bridget was telling me about her plan to move to Philly.”
This starts an animated discussion over where Bridget should start looking, jobs that Melissa can help her get, and you listen with a smile on your face. You imagine what it would be like for this world to unfold in front of you. Melissa and Bridget existing in the same orbit, the family you always dreamed about, you want to believe in it so bad, yet there was something on the edges of your mind reminding you that it will never happen, that it is not the life that you deserve. You know that you need to text Ouida…at some point, but not now.
-~-
Melissa drives all over the city of Philly, leaving no place unexplored when it comes to her tour. At first, it is smaller things- where she went to high school, her Nonna’s house, her childhood home- but then it is the usual tourist stops. It starts with the Love sign.
Melissa walks through the crowd holding your hand with a childish grin on her face. The letters are stacked on top of a large metal box with a line of people waiting for a picture. You fall in line, and the first hit of anxiety starts to crawl up your spine. You push it aside, smiling for your photo with Bridget. Then Melissa lifts you in her arms bridal style, and you squeal, curling your arms around her. She beams at you, leaning in to kiss your cheek. Bridget begs for a picture of all three of you, and Melissa finally relents, letting a stranger take her phone to snap it. When Bridget and Melissa sling their arms across your shoulder, sandwiching you between them, you feel like maybe, for once, everything is sliding into place.
When the photoshoot is done, Melissa’s next stop is the Mütter Museum. Your sister thrives off the strange and mysterious wandering through the exhibits like a child in a candy store. Melissa holds a hand securely around your waist as you both walk behind Bridget. The blonde spews random facts every couple of minutes, and you know she is in absolute heaven. Towards the end of the museum, Melissa leans over whispering.
“Remind me never to piss your sister off, she knows exactly how-when-and where to bury my body.”
“Damn straight I do,” Bridget quips.
You can't help but let out a loud laugh, which causes multiple people to turn and stare at you. Before embarrassment can set in, Melissa ushers the group outside. When you step outside, the feeling passes when the sun washes across your face, and with the breeze picking up, you curl close to her. Not even a second passes before Melissa pulls off her jacket, wrapping it around you.
She places a gentle kiss on your forehead before she asks, “How are you doing, my love?”
You hesitate for a moment, “I'm okay…where to next?”
“I'll race you up the Rocky steps,” Bridget grins, her competitive side coming out.
You accept her challenge, and the next thing you know, Melissa is filming you running the Rocky steps next to Bridget. Your heart is pounding and your ribs hurt by the time you reach the top. You beat Bridget, but only by a couple of steps, and she falls into your arms, panting hard.
“I think I could get used to this,” she says finally.
“Me kicking your ass?” You laugh when you catch your breath.
“No,” Bridget mentions, her voice softening, “having my sister back.”
Tears well in your eyes as you crush her into a hug, “I love you, sis.”
Bridget holds you close, murmuring her mutual love when a voice cuts through the crowd. You hear your name and turn towards the sound, believing it to be Melissa; however, your eyes catch the redhead still at the bottom of the stairs waiting for your return. You go to turn the other way, but Bridget yanks your hand in the opposite direction. She practically pulls you down the stairs, and you stumble trying to keep up with her.
“B, what is going on?” You ask as your legs throb from the punishing pace she has set.
You know she is lying when she looks back at you, her features twisting with anxiety, “I just am really hungry, you know how I get when I am hungry.”
You go to look back, but Bridget pulls hard on your hand, “Don’t, Y/N, just come with me.”
There is a fear in her voice that raises the hair on your arm, so you fix your gaze forward at Melissa. She waits with a broad smile on her face, her hand immediately wrapping through yours when you reach her. Bridget guides everyone back to the car, the look of fear never leaving her eyes. While she isn’t paying attention, you turn back to look at the Rocky steps. At the bottom of the steps, Kylee smirks before waving at you, and your whole mind goes utterly blank.
~-~
It starts in the base of your throat-a rock that makes it impossible to swallow-and then impossible to breathe around. You try and push it down further away as you step into the water, sure that it will wash away this fear, but you feel the monsters crawling up. Their nails rake against your skin, and your body shivers under the hot water. You tell yourself this can't be happening-not now- everything is going so well- the monsters can't be back. Yet you know it is a lie as your vision clouds and your mind goes dark. All that you can focus on is Kylee’s devilish grin staring into you, like she knows she still owns you, and she does, even if you won’t admit it. Your movements aren't your own then, you become controlled by someone else, that robot buried deep inside of you that takes control when you can’t. It is supposed to keep you safe, and has before, but this time is different… it wants to devour. It wants to release everything that you have worked hard to suppress. It wants to cut away the pieces you have mended until the whole world runs red- and this time you might let it.
“Something isn't right,” Melissa says as she looks up towards the bedroom. You have only been gone about ten minutes, but there is something in her gut that tells her she needs to get to you now.“I gotta go check on her.”
She stands from the table where Bridget is sitting and is down the hall in an instant. There is a tingle along her neck that grows as she enters the room. Melissa knocks sharply at the bathroom door before trying the handle- it’s locked- something that you have never done inside her house. You had told Melissa that you didn’t like locked doors, even if you were the ones to lock them, you needed an escape plan. There is no stopping the fear rolling through her now as she fumbles through her drawers. They come flying from her dresser until she finds the spare key. Her heart is pounding in her ears as she misses the lock once, twice, finally hitting home the third time. The door springs open, and Melissa’s heart drops.
She pulls open the glass door, not caring that her clothes soak within an instant. She uncurls your fists, throwing the object aside as she wraps you in her arms.
“Baby, look at me,” Melissa pleads. “It’s Mel, baby, please. I'm right here.”
Your eyes are open but unfocused, a gray shadow consuming them. You don't register Melissa’s words, only staring blankly ahead. The older woman’s heart drops as she continues to look at you, present but so far away all at once.
“Y/N, come on. Come back,” Melissa chokes out her tears, mixing with the water falling around her.
Bridget calls from the other room, “Y’all decent?”
“B! Come help!” Melissa screams frantically. “Something is wrong.”
“Shit, she fucking looked back. I knew she was going to,” Bridget mumbles, scurrying inside the bathroom.
“What are you talking about?”
“Kylee,” Bridget hisses, “was at the fucking Rocky steps. I thought I pulled away Y/N in time, but fuck. I should have seen the signs. She wasn’t right after we left, and I figured it was just because she was getting overstimulated by all the people. ”
Guilt rushes through Melissa as she recounts the way that you retreated back into yourself. It was why Bridget and her had opted to eat back at home; it didn’t occur to her that something else could have happened. Bridget grabs a towel from the closet, rushing to shut the water off. The blonde wraps it around you, holding your cheek in the palm of her hand. Your body is limp and stiff all at the same time.
“Y/N, I know you are in there. It’s safe. You gotta come back out. You don't need to be in there right now. It’s just Mel and me. No one else is here. They can't hurt you. Come out, sweetheart,” She repeats, her thumb tracing your cheekbone.
A couple of moments trickle by of Bridget repeating the same phrase over and over, but your eyes remain far away. Finally, she moves to her next idea, placing Melissa’s hand on your other cheek. The clouds lift slightly by the pressure of Melissa holding you.
Bridget sighs softly, “See, Melissa’s here. She didn’t go anywhere; we both have you. You got this. I know you are in there- just a little more- come on.”
The blonde looks desperately and Melissa. It stuns the older woman from her silence, “I love you Y/N, I am not going anywhere. Come back to me, I’ll keep you safe. I promise no one can hurt you.”
It’s a violent snap back to your body like a rubber band falling back into place. Your eyes clear and immediately fill with tears. Your body crumples, and Melissa struggles to catch you as her feet slide against the wet tile. Bridget supports the redhead until she gains her footing. You are uncontrollably sobbing now as Melissa reaches under your knees and lifts you again. Bridget helps open the door for Melissa so she can carry you back into the safety of the bedroom.
The crying has slowed, but you cling to Melissa, your hand fisting into the collar of her shirt. She lays you down against the bed, but when she goes to move, you pull her back to you. You refuse to open your eyes, only nuzzle into her.
“Baby, Bridget is going to get you some clothes to sleep in,” Melissa says, pointing to the fallen drawers. “We will get you dressed and then both of us will lie with you.”
You nod faintly, and Bridget sets to work gathering the fallen clothes. You remove your hand for only a moment, allowing Melissa to slide an oversized t-shirt onto your body. She shifts you into the middle of the bed, settling under the covers. You immediately curl yourself around her, letting her wrap a protective arm around you. Bridget moves to the other side of the bed, bookending you into a safety net. Melissa runs her fingers through your hair, kissing your temple lightly. She doesn’t release a solid breath until you fall asleep in her arms, your grip finally loosening around her collar.
“I have never seen her like that,” Melissa whispers, her fingers still running through your hair. “I have seen nightmares before, but this… this was something entirely different.”
“I have seen it a lot growing up, but it has never been this intense before,” Bridget admits. “We uh…we didn't grow up in the safest of places. So she created one for herself. A little part of her mind that was so deep and dark that she felt no one could reach her. At first, it was safe there, but it turned bad; it was like someone took her over and made her do or say unspeakable things. A robot that does whatever is necessary to keep her alive, no matter the cost, even if it means, at times, chipping away pieces of herself. The worst part is, she won’t remember a damn thing when she wakes up.”
Your girlfriend startles at this, “What do you mean she isn’t going to remember what happens? How is that even possible?”
“Her therapist once told Y/N that it is dissociative amnesia, a way to repress the memories that her brain can physically not hold on to anymore,” Bridget explains. “It is also probably why she struggles to share stuff about Kylee. This…robot that takes over for her could have blocked out more than she realizes.”
Melissa contemplates this for a moment, and her heart breaks for you. It hurts to know that there are pieces of you that hurt so much; the only way to survive is to physically remove yourself from them. She wonders how many memories you have packed in a box and placed away, afraid of the answer, but also devastated that she may never know. She holds you close to her, placing a kiss along your hairline.
“I am here, mi amore, I will never let you go, I love you.”
-
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