#murdermedia ramble

[vsaxeman]

MurderMedia Mommy Issues.

A rant about Alastor and Vincent backstories and the Mommy Issues that I wholeheartedly believe they both possess [My interpretation/my AU]. My HC for Alastor's mother is not what most people interpret her as, be warned. Triggering content ahead- details under the cut

I have VERY SPECIFIC FEELINGS AROUND MOMMY ISSUES ALASTOR X VOX because I think they both have them, just in vastly different ways.

[CW: child abuse, EDs, csa alluded to, emotional incest, deepset shame, alcoholism, mental illness, death, kinks born from trauma, sui, murder.]

Vincent-

I think he had that time-period-accurate strict perfectionist mother. A woman who is very personally disciplined, very strict with both herself and her children. I HC Vincent as an oldest son as well, so with that, and also when the Great Depression would've hit his family, I think there was probably a LOT of pressure on him to succeed, win, be BETTER, BRIGHTER, ETC. I see his father figure as a very emotionally absent man, no real love there, just a man who worked himself to death by the time Vincent was in his mid or late teens.

Left with only his mother, a very severe woman- that did not do him any favours. I imagine her with an [again, time-period-accurate] eating disorder, obsessed with appearances, both her own appearance and the appearance of her family members- especially her kids. Think about Bojack Horseman's mom, that's the architype that I imagine. She lets Vincent know that he ruined her body and her life [eldest son conception forced her into a loveless marriage when she got pregnant]. A cruel, tired woman, beaten down by life and turned into a monster by it. Also an alcoholic, definitely, which gets worse after her husband dies. His father was the physically abusive one but his mother is very manipulative and mentally abusive and it gets into his brain in a much more powerful way.

He gravitates toward women who are nothing like her in some ways, but exactly like her in others, in adulthood. Probably avoids the meaner part of her personality but accidentally keeps going for women who are very slender and severe in appearance. He desperately craves her approval and also hates her guts, begs her to hug him when he's drunk after family dinners and feels warm and loved when she smacks him in the back of the head. He is a wannabe mama's boy; because his mother isn't actually part of the equation. She doesn't love him, really.

Having two parents that don't love you will definitely fuck you up; but, again, his mom takes the cake in terms of how much it affected him. He will get high and rant about how much he hates her and say all sorts of awful misogynistic things about her and her life, including things that are not her fault; and then he'll cry about wanting to be held. Very complex. Because of these very complex feelings, he [unfortunately for him] develops a Mommy Kink, but he can only bring himself to actually indulge in it if he is REALLY drunk, or high, as in borderline blackout. Otherwise he's just too ashamed and won't even acknowledge it if a partner attempts to engage with him in that way.

Alastor-

He never really talks about his family, because there's no point, it just gives people unnecessary information and he likes to keep all of that close to his chest. His father died when he was 8 and his mother died when he was 17. When he does talk about his mom, who was functionally kind of a single mother because his dad was out of the house and gone for long periods of time, making money, disappearing- he talks very fondly of her, in a distant way. Never very detailed. Just casual, maybe slightly wistful warmth. So people assume that his mom was a really sweet gentle person. He seems to miss her.

But the truth is that she was extremely complex and sometimes abusive in very disturbing ways. She was deeply mentally ill- he inherited his schizoid disorder from her- and she had no treatment [of course]. And more often than not, he was alone with her. He would get a fairly sweet, loving woman one day, and a confused, violent woman the next. From a young age, he found himself taking care of her, instead of the other way around. She developed early onset dementia partially due to her schizophrenic condition. [Al is terrified of growing old and what could happen to his brain as he grows older, because of this.]

By the time he was in his mid-teens she was confusing him for his dead father and saying and doing things to him that were deeply troubling and damaging to Al. It's extra hard because he knows that his mom is in there, somewhere, and he cares about THAT version of her. But his daily life with her so full of pain and horror that he ends up totally closing himself off toward the only person that, distantly, as a tiny child, he actually remembers loving. She becomes a confused, cruel god in his life, a jail warden, a vehicle for violence and uncomfortable acts. Not a mom.

In the end, he either kills her himself at 17, or watches her do it to herself and does not intervene. Afterward, he skips town and goes to upstate New Orleans to create a life where he has no ties to anyone at all. He calls himself an orphan and makes up stories of a mother who was sweet until the end, because he finds it less painful to just pretend. He is terrified of becoming like her, but also, sees his 'purest, most honest self' as a sort of warped reflection of her [due to his alienation from the rest of the world and their shared illness] and her cruel streak from the last half of his time with her. Very complicated.

Complicated for them both. Al and Vince have very different experiences but also a common ground in all of it. They don't ever really talk about this kind of thing in any great detail.

So anyway when they end up drunkenly participating in mommy kink shit for the first time it's REALLY weird the next morning. Vincent wakes up to Alastor drinking at 9am and not even attempting to be covert. Neither of them address it. Emotionally constipated gay men existing in ruination together.

Also YES the parallels between Vincent's mom and Alastor are on purpose. Unfortunately for him, he was doomed from the start. His real type is "very particular & skinny alcoholic" and he will never admit this, to himself or anyone else.

*slightly expanded version of a rant previously seen on my twitter. I will be moving more of these over, gradually, so I can catalogue them properly. <3

[vsaxeman]

Murdermedia Angst Drivel.

Rambled narrative about how Alastor is a leaver and he is always leaving Vincent. They collide and separate and collide and separate forever. This is the curse of the avoidant. He loves Vincent but that doesn't stop him from leaving. In fact, sometimes, it actually encourages it...

I feel like something like this also happens between Vox and Al when they're in hell. Death does not save you from the curse of the avoidant.

Alastor and Vincent living in the same city would not stop them from spending time apart.

Alastor is a leaver. He leaves. Sometimes it's when things get too hard, but more often, it's when things get too easy. When things feel too natural. Alastor picks a fight and leaves with a suitcase under six hours. The first few times that this happens, Vincent is terrified, angry, very hurt. The thought enters his mind that Alastor could direct the cops to him or fuck him over somehow, and that adds an extra layer of terror. These fights and separations are horrifying to him, he can't deal with them.

Alastor comes back, though. Somehow. Eventually. Sometimes it's in their favorite bar; somehow, he always seems to know when Vincent will go weak in the stomach and go there to drink and feel numb, to try to forget and feel closer to Alastor all at once. Sometimes it's at the back door, with blood in his teeth. By the fifth time that Alastor is leaving, Vincent switches up from screaming anger and furious tears to plain old bargaining. He starts trying to convince Alastor to stay, while he silently packs his suitcase. This doesn't work, and they just get angry at each other again.

By the tenth time that Alastor picks up and leaves, Vincent tells him to his face, "Throw your tantrum. You'll be back anyway, it doesn't matter." Alastor leaves for four years. Vincent never does this again.

It happens a little less frequently after that long stint away- unfortunately, they both did miss each other quite a lot- but, it still does. Fights before the silence only accompany SOMETIMES. Sometimes Alastor just leaves in the middle of the night. Vincent will wake up after a beautiful weekend and a conversation that finally felt like he was seeing into another layer of Alastor's soul, and he finds himself in a cold bed, Alastor's bedside table cleared off. Alastor always comes back, though.

Vincent makes himself a cup of coffee and turns the radio on so that the house won't feel so quiet. Alastor always comes back, he tells himself- so it's okay. Somehow, these painful absences always make them pull toward each other harder, anyway.

Alastor usually kisses him when he comes back home. So it's good. For that alone, it's worth it. Alastor being the one to kiss him first. Alastor always comes back home.

Until he doesn't.