My 5 Year Commitment: Update
Yesterday my ex-boyfriend contacted me and it brought up a lot of unwanted, suppressed thoughts and emotions. So I thought what better way for me to process all of that than to update My 5 Year Commitment.
For those of you who are just now joining me on this journey, let me give you a quick snippet of what this “5 Year Commitment” thing is.
Back in December of 2012, I became so fed up with the way my love life was going that I decided it was just going to be me and God for the next five years. At that point, I had been single for 20 years (my whole life) and had been rejected by numerous guys and had only been on one official date with someone (which was extremely weird by the way).
And due to the amount of hurt, loneliness, and low self-esteem that I felt, the only way I could cope was to do this “5 Year Commitment.” (If you’re interested in reading the original blog post click here)
The parameters of this commitment looked like this:
“For the next 5 years, I will NOT: 1) date, 2) try to make anything happen between me and a guy, and 3) try to think about wanting to date someone/be in a relationship. For the next 5 years, I WILL: 1) let God lead me in every decision I make, 2) focus on missions, school (if I feel led to go back), my photography, work, and whatever else God puts in my path, and 3) let God work in and through me to make me the God Girl he wants me to be and for Him to prepare me for my future husband if that’s His will for me.”
Now, I will be the first to admit that I have failed MISERABLY with this commitment over the past three and a half years, especially with the “NOT” part.
I fell in love with someone (my best friend) that I totally should not have let myself fall in love with. (Wrong time, wrong place, completely wrong person.) We never ended up in a romantic relationship but we were pretty darn close.
I ended up being in a romantic relationship this past December with someone else, but that only lasted a month and a half. And that happened because it was the only way God was able to pull me out of the hell hole that I was in at the time. (If you’re gonna judge me for saying hell… then kindly get off this blog.)
For every guy that I’ve met who’s not married or in a serious long term relationship (especially if they’re devout Christians), part of me has wonder if they’re “the one.”
I’ve “like” a few guys here and there. But again, nothing ever panned out like I thought/hoped they would (story of my life haha).
Looking back, though, and seeing how I’ve failed, the one thing that encourages me is that God was there amongst it all. I could write story after story after story of how God was there, how God intervened, how God was faithful and merciful and patient with me.
And so, I’m not ashamed of my failed moments. Because when I tell you my story, I get to tell you about Him.
So now, as I’m sitting here as a 23 year old who still has 1 year and 5-ish months left of this commitment, I feel like it’s time to rededicate my love life to this commitment.
Father, at times I’ve gotten so distracted by the world’s viewpoint that it has left me feeling worthless, ashamed, not good enough, disgraced, and unloved. But I know that’s just not true. You have called me Your daughter, Your beloved, Your pride and joy. You have picked me up, you have shined Your light, you have brought me to a place of peace.
Father, I know that right now being single is the best thing for me. It gives me the chance to serve You whole heartily and love the people I’m supposed to love without anything holding me back. Father, you know that I desire to be loved, to be cared about, to be admired, to be appreciated. You know that I want to have a family someday. You know what I want/need in a future husband. And you know ALL my heart’s desires. And so with that, I once again give you control over my love life. Your timing, Father. Your timing.
And until the time is right, Your promise still stands… Great is Your faithfulness. Continue to teach me, grow me, strengthen me, inspire me, and help me become the woman of God that you want me to be. Thank you for everything and thank you for who You are. In Your son’s name I pray, Amen.
~ Rachel 7/18/16