#my conversion path

[micahconvertstojudaism]

I just took my first antidepressant, and I said shehecheyanu over it. That prayer was the first one I ever tried to learn, and I think it’s always going to have a special place for me.

And I think that saying it in this instance has some special meaning as well. Thanking g-d for keeping me alive and sustaining me to the point in my life where I am able to seek help and therapy and something that could help me feel okay for the first time in a long time. Celebrating my firsts, both of a lifetime and in a year, is something lovely I get to have that with Judaism.

[micahconvertstojudaism]

I watched my first online shabbat service last friday. It didn't feel like a lot, but it was the first time I've felt tangibly connected to Judaism.

It was wonderful. At one point I just started crying. The prayers and the songs were so lovely, and lively.

I've been looking at Judaism for a while, studying traditions, holidays, looking at how judaism views things compared to how I was raised to in a xtian church.

But that shabbat service gave me something that I had forgotten about, that I've been longing for. Comfort. Comfort, and the sense of support and community. The rabbi even mentioned all the people streaming the service. The shabbat service let me be able to let go of a weight I didn't know I'd been holding.

I can't wait to be able to go to a shabbat service in real life, and to study torah with people more than online. I'm aching for the community. I can't wait to be jewish.

[micahconvertstojudaism]

I just virtually attended my first saturday shabbat service and it was really nice!! I forgot just how much of a comfort those sort of things can be, how refreshing they are.

I grew up religious, and I enjoyed church for a while, and even after started to feel unsatisfied with being xtian, the familiarity of the services was still a comfort. And the music. This shabbat service was full of music and I can’t wait to feel as comfortable with this music as I do with the music I grew up on. Already the melodies I manage to recognize make me so happy to hear.

I just feel really good right now. I hope I can join this shul again next week.

[micahconvertstojudaism]

I just saw the post right below this one for the first time. As an ex-xtian, I was told my whole life things like ‘g-d doesn’t give you more than you can handle’ and plenty of other sentiments that expressed that this suffering you were going through had some sort of higher purpose.

When i was deep cleaning my room for the first time in a while, I found some notes where I had written about how much I was hurting at the time and wondering what I wasn’t doing enough of, wondering why g-d was giving me this.

And I’ve always struggled extremely with dealing with the question of why would g-d let terrible things happen to everyone, to me? 

And Judaism gives me the first clear, comforting answer that I’ve ever gotten. G-d doesn’t give you these hard things, no part of Him wants us to suffer, we don’t earn a closer spot to Him through pain and sacrifice.

Hashem doesn’t want us to suffer.

Suffering comes from the selfishness of people, and that we can do what we are able to ease it whenever possible, but it lifts such a weight off of my shoulders to know that my pain wasn’t given to me by the g-d that I love.

[micahconvertstojudaism]

I also just wanted to make note of a few things that I love about Judaism with just a little time that I’ve spent looking into it. So many things I’ve seen just make me feel warm and happy, or just ring true for me.

-Seeing a post talking about how a jewish convert is simply someone with a jewish soul, finding their way back to judaism because of it’s pull to some innate part of them.

-the abundance of support I see for the lgbt community in so many places. The church that I was raised in, which was very welcoming and liberal by a lot of standards, still has barriers that don’t allow lgbt clergy or marriage, and that was a big part pushing me away.

-the sense of community, of family. I’ve been searching for something bigger than myself to belong to, that’s one of the reasons that I rushed a sorority at school, despite not ending up joining because of money reasons. I need to feel part of something, to have a place, and I love the sense of community I’ve found even here on tumblr. I love the connection, to one another, to the surrounding community, and to history.

-i love the idea that the torah can and should be challenged. I love the thought of engaging with the text in a more active and deeper way, because working through something with yourself and others makes it stick that much more than just blindy accepting something told to you.

These are just some of the things that I can think of right off the top of my head since I started looking into Judaism.

[micahconvertstojudaism]

My shavuot plans include reading Ruth and eating way too much cheesecake and I love the story of ruth and I love cheesecake so needless to say I am thrilled

[micahconvertstojudaism]

I just lit a candle in honor of Etia Druckman z”l. Yom HaShoah began at sundown today. As a convert, the weight of what happened during the Holocaust isn’t a part of my past, but it is a part of my future. And the future of my someday children. 

I’m here, crying over this woman I have never met, and never will meet. The horror of what happened has touched me before. I have been lucky enough to hear the story of a Holocaust survivor directly, and I recognize that I am of the last generation that will be able to do that. I’m not sure how to process the hatred that lead to this, and the hatred that is still present. I can see it now, even in casual, unexpected places. I can see it even though it doesn’t yet directly affect me, but it still shocks me. To be honest it scares me. But more than that, the honor of maybe one day joining such a strong, enduring people outweighs that fear. I hope that I can live up to that. 

[micahconvertstojudaism]

I wish i could actually start my path to Judaism. I keep running into obstacles, the main one being that I can’t drive to meet the rabbi who teaches at my school sometimes. Not only do i not have a car, I don’t have a driver’s license. And I always feel bad asking my friends to take me places, and this rabbi is almost an hour away.

It’s really nice to have an online community of jews and other converts/prospective converts, but I want something in real life too. I have a jewish friend who knows that I want to convert, but I want to start diving into things so I can get a taste of what it would actually be like.