I'm laying down upstairs again, listening to music and trying to relax. I'm beginning to feel the urge to pee again now that I'm sitting upstairs. That urge is nagging at me a little bit, frustratingly. I've also been biting at my finger nails a bit. And one of them (my right index finger) is currently really sore. But that's a side topic. I can discuss that more later, if I have to. But no, I'm here for something else entirely. I'm here to discuss my dad dating again. My dad just told me he might meet with someone next week. Like a date or something. So now that's in my head. I've gotta write about this now. I didn't really want to write much right now, not when I was trying to enjoy my time upstairs. But I'll make this work. I have to.
My dad's been mentioning him dating a lot lately. I know we both have private lives, but wow. I…well, this feels unexpected. I'll be honest, I am oblivious to dating. I've never felt romantic attraction (that I was aware was romantic attraction, anyways). I think I very well could be aromantic. My dad apparently talking to people online (like on Instagram or tiktok or whatever)…I paid it no mind. But apparently he's dating? I…what? It doesn't make sense to me. I'm glad my dad is telling me, but I seriously didn't think anything about it. I just assumed he was watching videos on tiktok or Instagram, not actually talking to people! Who just talks to people like that!? Romance is a thing in books and movies and tv shows, it's not a real thing. It's not a thing I've felt. I've felt desires for friendship, at best. I've enjoyed romance films, but I've never thought of it in a real world context. I'm baffled.
Yesterday when on a longer walk around the neighborhood, my dad just brought up that he's considering dating people. A few months ago, he brought up how he was talking to someone online. Apparently that's going nowhere, but he's exploring other romance options or something. He said he'd only meet people after I'd gone to sleep at night, because he knows that I come first before anyone else. I appreciate that, but I'm still so baffled by this. Him then basically saying he'd only date if I was okay with him doing it…that makes me feel bad too. Because I don't exactly want to say no. I feel like that's me being malicious and telling my dad he can't do things. But I also feel out of the loop, and I'm utterly baffled by everything. Was I supposed to pick up on subtle clues about this? How long was I in the dark here!?
My dad bringing up dating again…I don't understand it. I entirely don't get it. It's so shocking to me. What's he doing on social media? For that matter, what does he think I'm doing? He used to bring up dating in regards to me too, but I don't think I've ever shown any inclination of desire for it. I don't feel any pull towards romance, any real…well, anything about it. I want someone to care for me and take care of me, but that's not quite the same thing. What I want could come from a platonic relationship just as well as any romantic relationship. I don't feel romantic feelings at all, I don't think. And sure, I have social media now. I've had a tumblr account since 2021. Do you even know what I do there? I'll give you a hint: it isn't one on one communication with people! I could never handle that.
What I do online is what I consider the normal thing. I write posts. I write a lot of posts. I share ideas I have, I vent about my issues. But I never talk directly to anyone. I don't do that one on one thing. That my dad does baffles me. I just can't understand other people doing that. I legitimately don't feel capable of doing it myself. How can my dad even do it? I believe he told me before that he and mom met online in the early 2000s, but I never expected I'd deal with it all this intimately. This is horribly shocking. I just don't understand it.
I really don't hsve a lot of words for this. I took a break from writing for a while, because this whole thing baffles me so much. But like…I don't at all interact one on one with people online. I mainly write things online and occasionally respond to people if they reach out to me. But I'm not often the one starting things, which is I think what makes me and my dad very different here. My dad seems to be willing to initiate things, whereas I almost never am. And the very idea of doing something like that baffles me. I just…it doesn't make sense to me. I can't understand this at all.
I wouldn't stop my dad dating, because I'd honestly feel guilty doing so. But it's probably not gonna be an easy thing to be aware of. I'm either going to forget it's happening or it's going to keep ringing in my head. It's either or, honestly. With a thing like this, I just can't see myself reacting in any other way. I can't see any other way of reacting that makes sense to me. I hope that makes sense, because I truly can't think of any other way to put it.