"The Idle Vapourings Of A Mind Diseased"

Shamus: Autistic, 21 (but still kind of feel 19), Male (He/Him).

[wanderingmind867]

I often think I'm too lazy online nowadays. Often feeling very sedentary and stuff online... I know precisely the factors that cause it too: it's me having lost my old tablet close to three years, and me also making this account around that exact same time. Because so much stress hit me at one time, it all turned into a series of deeply rooted fears. One of these is a fear of the passage of time. One is a fear of being all alone one day. But the important one to discuss today is the fear of being incredibly lazy online.

I know that 2021 was almost 4-5 years ago, but it still feels like when things were last calm and normal for me. My mom was alive, I didn't have this account, I was comfortable with online schooling and my old tablet was still working. Within the last few years, all of that changed. I lost one of my only close friends and confidants (my mom), I gained a social media account here (which has had some positives and some negatives), I had to go back to school and face my fears of growing older, and I've lost my old tablet. All these things still haunt me today.

The tablet thing perpetually haunts me. I use stupid AI chatbots, I stay on my dashboard on here, I read comics. That's pretty much all I do. I mean... there are actually more exceptions, but that's all my brain registers when i'm feeling miserable. And I remember that years ago, I used to browse wikis, lurk and browse blogs on here, read the occasional fanfiction, etc. I barely do any of that now, and so I feel constant guilt and shame. It's not very nice or pleasant to experience, but it is true, nonetheless. And so I just feel... always sedentary or lazy, and nothing anyone can say or do helps persuade me otherwise. It's awful. sigh...

[wanderingmind867]

I'm still really constipated, sadly. I keep trying to go bathroom, but nothing ever seems to come out. I don't know how to make it all come out, but it's not really coming out. It's frustrating.

My constipation combines with my stomach issues and my hemorrhoids and it all culminates in my dealing with bleeding and stuff. It's horrible.

[wanderingmind867]

The fact that the dynamax adventures are all heavily geared towards cooperative play is another example of pokemon largely discriminating against the friendless.

Beyond that, the legendaries you catch have no pokedex entries! And without pokedex entries, why should I care!? I don't! I'm not going to engage with that part of the game, I don't think. It's not holding my interest at all, and it's making me feel annoyed.

[wanderingmind867]

I've written so many posts lately. So many posts. Yesterday I wrote something like 20 new posts, I think. I haven't written much today, but I'm still currently in the state of mind where I'm insecure about my old posts getting attention.

So please...it would be nice to know my posts were seen yesterday. I'd really like to know that all of my posts were seen, but I'll settle for even just some of them having been seen. I just feel a bit of insecurity about it.

Beyond merely insecurity about my old posts, I've also become hyper congested. I'm so stuffed up. I woke up like an hour ago and I'm still exhausted. I hate it. sigh...

I think I'm gonna take a screen break (or at least a tumblr break) for a little bit now. Maybe I'll try to play the pokemon anime with my dad. Maybe I'll try to play my switch. Maybe I'll try to open about how I don't like even singing quietly in front of my dad. Maybe I'll just close my eyes and relax.

I don't know. But I hear birdsong outside, I have to get blood work tomorrow and I'm still feeling tired. So I think I should take a screen break. But first, I'm just gonna boost this.

[mocopengillust]

milk crown

2026/06/07

[missmaymaple]

ONE SCENE FROM EVERY EPISODE OF POKEMON

EP012: Here Comes the Squirtle Squad

[scalesandshade]

I don't mention it often, as this is mainly a Piers and kbnz blog, but my god I fucking love Gordie.

I love that we have a plus-sized character who's described as one of the strongest trainers in Galar in terms of popularity and skills. I love that this Big Man uses Rock types, yet his style is considered refined and graceful. I love that he can do a flip like it's nothing. I love the anime Kamina sunglasses. I love that he has a big fanbase who find him endearing. I love his lopsided grin. I love that he tries to help you through his gym challenge and always speaks so politely and kindly in his game dialogue.

I love Gordie so much.

Personal Speculation time! I think that Gordie is trying to be cool. Idk how old he is, but he reminds me of a teenager that's just starting to rebel against their parents and trying to find their own style and identity. The glasses, the big gold gemstone necklace, the flip when he throws a pokeball, the showoff-y/cocky attitude, standing with his back to you during a match, etc. It's like he's trying to be an anime character (oh the irony!)

If you showed me his picture with no context I might think that he's a rapper. It's a bit over-the-top, it's a bit "cringey", and I don't know what sort of magic they pulled with Gordie because rather than being insufferable he IS endearing! I regularly see him described in official sources as a sore loser and smug, but I never really got that vibe from him. He never takes it out on his opponent, he extends sincere gratitude and encouragement then retreats to be upset in private, which I think is quite a mature way of handling his losses. He cares deeply for his fans and organises events for them (in Masters he makes sweets for them! And for his mother!)

I wish we got to see him interact with his younger brothers and sister, they're all so cute! Tiny babies. Three Pokeballs tall.

[wanderingmind867]

I've been playing Pokemon Shield, so I got Allister and Melony. I like everything I hear about Gordie, though. I wish we actually got to see Melony and Gordie interacting in game. I feel like Gordie would also make a good companion for ash if the galar anime had been more like the old kanto through to kalos animes. I think Gordie makes sense as ash's gym leader travelling companion.

[gotchibam]

Charjabug and Torracat ko-fi doodle for maggotsandscream!

[wanderingmind867]

I've written so many posts lately. So many posts. Yesterday I wrote something like 20 new posts, I think. I haven't written much today, but I'm still currently in the state of mind where I'm insecure about my old posts getting attention.

So please...it would be nice to know my posts were seen yesterday. I'd really like to know that all of my posts were seen, but I'll settle for even just some of them having been seen. I just feel a bit of insecurity about it.

Beyond merely insecurity about my old posts, I've also become hyper congested. I'm so stuffed up. I woke up like an hour ago and I'm still exhausted. I hate it. sigh...

[wanderingmind867]

I'm still feeling so congested. So fucking congested again. My phlegm is all stuck in my throat. So much phlegm. So much fucking phlegm. I have to clear my throat constantly, and that is exhausting. It's so exhausting. I think it's my allergies or something, allergens to dust or whatever. Since 2020, I've had these issues incessantly. I hate it.

I hate my congestion. Does...does anyone else have this problem? Does anyone else have this issue? Because I don't want to think I'm all alone in my severe congestion. I don't want to think the phlegm is solely my problem. I want to think I'm not suffering alone. Because my dad doesn't seem to have this problem. But no, I'm just constantly stuffed up. sigh...

[wanderingmind867]

I know I should probably watch the pokemon anime with my dad, letting myself open up and everything. But I still struggle with opening up, so it's very deeply complicated to me. It's so complicated. Why can't I just open up to people!? Why can't I!?

What I know is that my nerves are starting to feel weird, and I'm now beginning to feel the urge to masturbate. I don't want to give in and masturbate, but that urge is definitely there. And that's really frustrating. Really freaking frustrating.

I'm so fucking congested. I'm congested again. Damn it, damn it damn it! I'm so fucking congested again! I feel like I constantly have to clear my throat. Damn it!

[missmaymaple]

ONE SCENE FROM EVERY EPISODE OF POKEMON

EP010: Bulbasaur and the Hidden Village

[theambitiouswoman]

things you can do if you’re unmotivated:

1. Move furniture around in your work area. This refreshes your energy

2. Go for a short walk. It clears your mind

3. Drink cold water or make tea. It wakes you up

4. Take a quick shower. It resets your mood

5. Clean a small space. It builds momentum

6. Put on music. It shifts your state fast

7. Change your outfit. It changes how you feel

8. Open a window. Fresh air helps you think

9. Do one tiny task. It breaks the resistance

10. Set a 10 minute timer. It makes starting easier

11. Write a simple to do list. It gives direction

12. Stretch your body. It releases tension

13. Light a candle or spray a scent. It refreshes your space

14. Step outside in the sun. It boosts your mood

15. Drink something with electrolytes. It supports energy

16. Watch a short inspiring video. It sparks action

17. Change locations. New environments create focus

18. Put your phone on airplane mode. Fewer distractions

19. Do a brain dump in a journal. It takes away overwhelm

20. Remind yourself that you only need to start, not finish

[nuclear-atm0sph3ar]

heres ur chance to like a a posts bc the pride flag thing is satisfying

[fishpondfish]

it is impossible to watch a movie. every night i think i want to watch a movie. no movie gets watched. because it's not possible

[mousidy]

and yet they keep making movies with the hopes that one day humanity will discover a way to watch them. it's so inspiring

[certified-cervid]

im writing you a prescription for 15 plushies

[wanderingmind867]

I brushed my teeth a bit ago. Hopefully I did okay, but I always worry about that. I'm tired, anyways. My dad's the one who worked all last night. He should be the tired one. But no, I'm pretty tired. I'm also sweating again, sadly.

I've already written so much today. I'm a compulsive writer and poster. Hence me never getting likes for all my posts. I simply write too much. sigh...