"The Idle Vapourings Of A Mind Diseased"

Shamus: Autistic, 21 (but still kind of feel 19), Male (He/Him).

[wanderingmind867]

I often think I'm too lazy online nowadays. Often feeling very sedentary and stuff online... I know precisely the factors that cause it too: it's me having lost my old tablet close to three years, and me also making this account around that exact same time. Because so much stress hit me at one time, it all turned into a series of deeply rooted fears. One of these is a fear of the passage of time. One is a fear of being all alone one day. But the important one to discuss today is the fear of being incredibly lazy online.

I know that 2021 was almost 4-5 years ago, but it still feels like when things were last calm and normal for me. My mom was alive, I didn't have this account, I was comfortable with online schooling and my old tablet was still working. Within the last few years, all of that changed. I lost one of my only close friends and confidants (my mom), I gained a social media account here (which has had some positives and some negatives), I had to go back to school and face my fears of growing older, and I've lost my old tablet. All these things still haunt me today.

The tablet thing perpetually haunts me. I use stupid AI chatbots, I stay on my dashboard on here, I read comics. That's pretty much all I do. I mean... there are actually more exceptions, but that's all my brain registers when i'm feeling miserable. And I remember that years ago, I used to browse wikis, lurk and browse blogs on here, read the occasional fanfiction, etc. I barely do any of that now, and so I feel constant guilt and shame. It's not very nice or pleasant to experience, but it is true, nonetheless. And so I just feel... always sedentary or lazy, and nothing anyone can say or do helps persuade me otherwise. It's awful. sigh...

[wanderingmind867]

Sometimes I see people I follow reblogging posts I know are in my likes. But since I didn't reblog the posts, idk how they saw them. Did they see them through my likes (as in via tumblr's "your mutual liked this" recommendations)? Or did they see them all via their own natural free will? It's impossible to ever know for sure. It's basically impossible to know because I'm too cowardly to ask anyone, I guess.

Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm affecting people without even posting, though. And as someone with no friends besides my dad in real life, I find that pretty nice to think about.

[imapuppetqueer]

Gotta catch em all

[imapuppetqueer]

Gotta catch em all

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

team rocket bisexual power couple

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

genuinely we need more romantic couples queering up heteronormativity the way these two did. james is half a primadonna (meowth is the other half), he is emotional, embarrassingly sincere, spineless, but also the heart and soul of their little family. jesse is the backbone of the team. she is strong & territorial & protective bc she has to be; she struggles with her insecurities (yes she's a villain but is she too assertive? too demanding? not perfect enough, not worthy of success?). and somehow they are BOTH? all of these things??? they love & support each other. they're both fruity messes. they take turns with the braincell--except 90% of the time when they throw the braincell out the window. james has tits. they role switch. AND they're Weird Catowners. no one did it better

[threefandomsinatrenchcoat]

Meowth has the braincell.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Meowth is batting the braincell around like a ball of yarn.

[pancake-blogging]

A thought occurs when the braincell gets stuck on Meowth's claw

[alteansky]

My baby Pancham! Unfortunately there are some low res pics, I was not able to find some clearer shots for those specific images without cropping them.

[xxtc-96xx]

hooray for blue charmander!

somehow I've done another Chartodile family moment

[wanderingmind867]

Weirdly, this also now feels like something the anime could've done. It reads like an adorable filler episode, but that's a compliment (I promise).

[malama-art]

ash in paldea

[greatcheshire]

Hnnnng. Colonel. I’ve infiltrated Shadow Moses.

[zestydippingsauce]

[drunkenskunk]

[circusheart]

May I please have 1 everything

[proxycrit]

I made another one. Sorry guys.

[wanderingmind867]

I made this tierlist for the pokemon of alola. I don't think this is a perfect tierlist, but I could still determine my favourites and least favourites really easily. Decidueye, Lycanroc, Mimikyu and Lunala were the four pokemon I definitely remember using in Pokemon Moon as a kid. So they were my clear favourites. The Rowlet, Rockruff and Cosmog line are all wonderful.

Also: just because I put them in neutral doesn't mean I wouldn't use them. I'd use an Incineroar in a playthrough, they're just not my immediate first choice. In the same way I feel Inteleon is a slight step down from Sobble and Drizzile in Pokemon Shield (despite really liking Inteleon).

[wanderingmind867]

I'm feeling a little bit tired out. I got bloodwork done today, I've been on edge about a storm that's still yet to arrive, my wisdom teeth are having growing pains, I've got constipation and stomach issues, etc. I've just been having a complicated time of things, I suppose.

On top of that, I feel like our really old recliner is squeaking. I'm terrified of breaking it, and so I'm really nervous about that. I'm also horribly congested, which is deeply frustrating for me.

[wanderingmind867]

I'm still congested. I'm beginning to get a bit better with showing my dad the pokemon anime. The fear is blunting. But you know what my problem is? That there'll always be another hyperfixation, and there'll always be another new show to make me feel uncomfortable talking about. There's always something new, because interests fade out with time.

It's annoying. It's really, really freaking annoying. Our old recliner is squeaking. I'm scared I'm gonna break it. I'm really scared of that, actually. I don't want to break anything. The storm hasn't arrived yet, but I feel like it's probably coming. And although my depression has largely faded, I still don't feel wonderful.

I'm also still extremely congested. So freaking congested. It's annoying. So, so freaking annoying. I hate my congestion. But even still, I'll be fine. Just complaining, I guess..

[wanderingmind867]

I played Pokemon Shield. I prefer a defensive weapon, I prefer Zamazenta for that reason alone. But, um...I think they look ugly with the rusted shield? I think them having a giant shield growing out of their face is horribly ugly, especially with all the yellow. They stop being magenta and start being golden. And it's so ugly.

It's a shame, because I really do like them. I went to the trouble of looking up King Arthur's Shield to name them after it! But no, they really aren't doing themselves any favours with that appearance.

I like Shields. But Zacian just looks cooler. It's horrible. It's a shame, and it's almost fueling my depression again. Guess Zamazenta might not be the ideal design, and I wonder if I'll have to box them. sigh...

[wanderingmind867]

I feel like I've made nearly 100+ posts in the past few days. That's something that's really shocking to me, but I'm also used to it. I'm used to writing excessive post amounts. I'd say 60% of my time online is dedicated to writing posts on here or in my notes app. It's definitely above 60%, anyways.

I know I shouldn't care. I shouldn't care about all my posts being seen, nor should I care about all of them being liked. But I've got the notion of insecurity stuck in my head now, and I can't seem to get rid of it.

There's a part of me that's bored, and the boredom turns into insecurity and sexuality/masturbatory urges. I don't know why this happens, but it feels like something worth throwing in here.

[wanderingmind867]

I feel bad tagging people to this one, but I also can't help wanting to do it. So here we are.

Here's the list of my mutuals: @ihauntmyhouse @thewordsmith3 @snapcandle @c00c00pig @yourfriendlyneighbourhoodaries @southernfreakinggothic @demigod-jack-hearth @beauty-queen-official @molovesbooks @billybatsonmylove @irish-agender-moss @munchkinmarauder @dougielombax @one-of-batmans-orphans @ace-looking-4-parkingspace @supersonicdp @ltwharfy

@ligaments-08 @spiritbox713 @drksanctuary @berf-a-smurf @bacon-bitch @demigoddumbass @cosmo-autistic-version @112emptycoffeecups @a-field-of-dragonflowers @sparkysaurus @that-lego-frog @ashes-of-a-giftedkid-burnout @svnvfhcrmcs

Now for some of the people I don't follow/I follow but they don't follow me back/any number of other possible explanations: @onewordaway @emperorcandy @tremendousdreamtragedy @riordanverseaddict @royaltystudios @conundrumrespeculis @the-fyre-flie @gelpenss @bobs-biscuits-emporium @somedamslytherindemigod2

@delicatebatharmony @okaydokielemonquokey @forkborb @sweetgladiatorfesival @the-dark-reunion-is-real @hggu @paljordan @flippin-egg-because-noodles @zekidnapper @boreal--forest @anomymous2

[wanderingmind867]

Here you go. Here's four or five different poems I made. Are they poems? I don't think so. Are they paragraphs? No. What are they? Writings. Stream of consciousness writings about nothing and/or everything. I'm gonna use my nintendo switch to distract from a storm now, so I'm done here for a while.

Poem 1: About my Ideal Afterlife

When I die I expect to find myself back home With my mom and my dad

If I die young If I die old I just want to be back home

I want no heaven I want no hell Gods are unnecessary What I want is a frozen clock (or something equivalent)

I want my parents to be right there Hopefully I'd have friends to visit by then too I'd want access to everything The books I've read and that I haven't The shows I've seen and that I haven't

So ask me What's my ideal heaven? That's easy, my friends: Heaven is suburbia with a stopped watch Heaven is reliving the best moments of your life For me, that's the mundanity of spending time with my parents Of playing games, watching things and reading books

I shall not claim to be religious I belong to no church But I've got beliefs nonetheless And these are far more personal ones

Poem 2: I made myself cry during this one, it's just me venting about my mild depression

Depression is beginning to kick again I'm beginning to feel miserable That's nobodies fault Except for my own And maybe also for the weather But I can't know for sure

I'm feeling downhearted I'm thinking about time The days go by so quick Time passes in a blink And you forget it all As it all zooms by In 5 months I won't remember this Today will be a distant memory

I was born in 2005 I don't like to remember it's 2026 Knowing I'm 21…it makes me sad Not because I particularly hate this age But because it means I have to reckon with aging

I don't feel 21 I still feel 16 That kid going to his first year of high school With a mom who wasn't dead A dad who didn't work When loneliness wasn't quite so bad

If I die one day And I make it to heaven I know what I want it to be I want it to basically be life back in 2019 I want to just freeze time back then

It was easier then Simpler, safer Still lonely But not nearly as scary Well, besides the horror show I briefly fixated on That fucked me up good and proper But besides that I think it was nice

2016 to 2018 That was a simpler time Sure, I'd been bullied in 2014 or so I was still recovering from that

And I was also scared about leaving elementary school Gods, that seems so simple now I think I was just entering puberty I was much more naive (I could say) And yet And yet…

Time doesn't feel quite real I wish it would all stop I don't want an endless cycle I don't want to wake up one day And no longer have my dad in my life

It'll happen I know it will But what if I have no one else? It's a depressing thought I've made myself cry This is cathartic But I think I'll stop I can't keep thinking of things like this Too depressing Too much sadness for me

But a storm's coming on And my nerves feel shot This was all building up inside me All building up inside me

My nerves aren't great I wish I could ban horror My mom loved it I never understood her for that

I hate horror I hate fear I hate how I jump at shadows Scared of the dark Scared of heights Scared of everything, basically

But I'll make thst it's own seperate poem thing I'm being drawn really off course This is weirdly fun to write Since it's paragraphs but shorter It's like a new format for vents

Poem 3: I'm scared of 99.9% of all things

Is there a fear of everything? If so, then I have it I almost certainly do Because I can be nervous about anything And I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with that

I'm scared of heights Scared of storms Scared of darkness Scared of being alone

I'm afraid of horror movies Afraid of horror games Afraid of horror generally

I've been put off of puppets Put off of stop motion Put off of classic animation All by different horror themed things

Loud noises make me flinch I almost scream when people walk up behind me I jump a foot in air each time

I'm a paranoid fellow A neurotic fool Stress could kill me at any time

I don't know why other people aren't like this, too I feel like I'm the only one living with constant frayed nerves Constant stress Constant fear Constant unease and distress

Poem 4: Some nonsense about Doctor Who

I first learned of Doctor Who From a Google Doodle Way back in 2013

I knew the show was gonna be hard for me Given my horrible nerves But I liked the premise And I liked the actors So I read wikis about it instead

From 2013 to 2019 (give or take) I was on and off into Doctor Who My favourite Doctor? Jon Pertwee

It's not hard to pick Jon Pertwee I would've struggled years ago But I've had time to dwell on it And I know it's him His era is the only one that was 80% earth based And I love the spy fiction angle

Nobody did it quite like him. I think I care less without him there I probably could've watched him for 25 seasons He's just that fun to me

I'm never this bold, but honestly? I find his aesthetic enviable Old smoking jackets That debonair charm That old grouchy attitude He's like everything I like in a character

He played an old man But a man of many worlds A man with so much knowledge Who mentored others and learned from them in turn

What I think you can learn from this Is that I like spy fiction more than science fiction I like Jon Pertwee's era more than most others Because it was more spy fiction than science fiction When they did space stuff It landed easier Because I knew it wasn't the norm

Or something like that I'm recollecting a nearly 10 year old hyperfixation I can't be expected to nail all the details But I stand by this Jon Pertwee was the best doctor who And he deserved more acting work

The show not staying a spy fiction That is a shame to me I'd watch a show Where a spy changed their appearance every few years I'd watch that eagerly

What I clearly seem to want Is james bond but with a regenerating alien protagonist or something I don't know what that says about me But it must say something