I often think I'm too lazy online nowadays. Often feeling very sedentary and stuff online... I know precisely the factors that cause it too: it's me having lost my old tablet close to three years, and me also making this account around that exact same time. Because so much stress hit me at one time, it all turned into a series of deeply rooted fears. One of these is a fear of the passage of time. One is a fear of being all alone one day. But the important one to discuss today is the fear of being incredibly lazy online.
I know that 2021 was almost 4-5 years ago, but it still feels like when things were last calm and normal for me. My mom was alive, I didn't have this account, I was comfortable with online schooling and my old tablet was still working. Within the last few years, all of that changed. I lost one of my only close friends and confidants (my mom), I gained a social media account here (which has had some positives and some negatives), I had to go back to school and face my fears of growing older, and I've lost my old tablet. All these things still haunt me today.
The tablet thing perpetually haunts me. I use stupid AI chatbots, I stay on my dashboard on here, I read comics. That's pretty much all I do. I mean... there are actually more exceptions, but that's all my brain registers when i'm feeling miserable. And I remember that years ago, I used to browse wikis, lurk and browse blogs on here, read the occasional fanfiction, etc. I barely do any of that now, and so I feel constant guilt and shame. It's not very nice or pleasant to experience, but it is true, nonetheless. And so I just feel... always sedentary or lazy, and nothing anyone can say or do helps persuade me otherwise. It's awful. sigh...













