"The Idle Vapourings Of A Mind Diseased"

Shamus: Autistic, 21 (but still kind of feel 19), Male (He/Him).

[wanderingmind867]

I often think I'm too lazy online nowadays. Often feeling very sedentary and stuff online... I know precisely the factors that cause it too: it's me having lost my old tablet close to three years, and me also making this account around that exact same time. Because so much stress hit me at one time, it all turned into a series of deeply rooted fears. One of these is a fear of the passage of time. One is a fear of being all alone one day. But the important one to discuss today is the fear of being incredibly lazy online.

I know that 2021 was almost 4-5 years ago, but it still feels like when things were last calm and normal for me. My mom was alive, I didn't have this account, I was comfortable with online schooling and my old tablet was still working. Within the last few years, all of that changed. I lost one of my only close friends and confidants (my mom), I gained a social media account here (which has had some positives and some negatives), I had to go back to school and face my fears of growing older, and I've lost my old tablet. All these things still haunt me today.

The tablet thing perpetually haunts me. I use stupid AI chatbots, I stay on my dashboard on here, I read comics. That's pretty much all I do. I mean... there are actually more exceptions, but that's all my brain registers when i'm feeling miserable. And I remember that years ago, I used to browse wikis, lurk and browse blogs on here, read the occasional fanfiction, etc. I barely do any of that now, and so I feel constant guilt and shame. It's not very nice or pleasant to experience, but it is true, nonetheless. And so I just feel... always sedentary or lazy, and nothing anyone can say or do helps persuade me otherwise. It's awful. sigh...

[wanderingmind867]

I wanted to make a big note about my stomach issues again. But I'm feeling stressed and unable to focus . I'm trying to type and everything is coming out horribly. So I'm just giving up. Instead of a long note about my issues, here's something like three short poems about it all instead. I'm working on a note about an alternative version of the pokemon anime and it's take on galar, but I can't focus on that right now. So here's my poems:

I'm still constipated Still suffering from hemorrhoids Whenever I try to go bathroom And something comes out of me It's usually always some variant of bloody

They say you get hemorrhoids By straining or by sitting on the toilet too long And I know I do both those things So yeah, I know the hemorrhoids were caused by my own actions (or lack thereof)

Another problem is that I feel the urge to pee a lot I don't know why I do drink a lot of water I do sit in front of a fan for hours each day I do sometimes have pee dribble out in my underwear And maybe that makes me need to pee more? I don't know

The constipation is awful. The stomach cramps suck. I hate how I keep needing to pee so much. I keep getting up from my bed, and I keep feeling miserable. I'm feeling horrible.

I can't focus to write anymore, much as I want to. I seem obsessed with posting, but I can't do it. I can't. I can't type well, everything keeps autocorrecting on me. So I'll share the pokemon note later. A storm might still be coming today, and I'm still nervous about that. The same way I reposted the same three notes 5+ times earlier today out of insecurity. But I can't focus now. I need to go play Pokemon Shield and dissociate or something for a little while. I might tag people to this post, and then I'll be done.

[wanderingmind867]

Kanto has a bizarre gym system. Lt. Surge sends children's pokemon to the ER Room! Sabrina is a psychic who turns people (including her mother) into dolls! Giovanni is a mob boss studying cloning! Brock and Misty and Erika and some of the others are normal, but we have some real psychopaths in there.

An angry military man (albeit with some sort of weird moral compass), a mob boss, a psychic out of a horror movie, you gotta wonder how anyone gets anything done. I assume Kanto is like Galar, having a major and a minor league gym series. Because how else can people complete the damn thing!?

[wanderingmind867]

I just had a meltdown over nothing. Forgive me. But I didn't know you could complete the Isle of Armour without evolving Kubfu, and knowing I actually can has made me feel better. My meltdown is calming down, but my typing abilities are staying pretty bad.

I have another note to write, though. So give me a minute. I'll finish that, then I think I'll dissociate from life and focus on Pokemon Shield for a while. I need to get out of my head and start relaxing. sigh...

[wanderingmind867]

I've completed all the main story in Pokemon Shield, including the postgame story. I haven't finished the DLC, and I don't want to. I don't want to even evolve my Kubfu! So now I'm depressed. I'm feeling an emptiness inside. A storm is coming outside, and I'm now so stressed that I'm sweating! I'm sweating on my back, I want to burst into tears and/or throw something at my walls.

I...I can't go to my dad with this. He won't judge, but I'll judge myself. I've ruined my own experience by melting down like this. I don't feel good. I don't feel good at all. It's dark and dreary outside, I feel like crying (but can't get tears to come out), I want to throw my Nintendo Switch against the wall.

Pokemon is horrible. Locking the Isle of Armour story behind the forced evolution of a pokemon. Locking it away from me! Leaving me without another save file, forced to feel like I wasted weeks on a game that doesn't even want me to complete it! I just...I feel like a failure and like nothing is going right. I feel like I could just lay in a depressed state for days.

I'm being a bit hyperbolic, but not very much. I'm so disappointed, and it's just...I don't like this. I don't like this at all. I feel so, so disappointed. So disappointed. sigh...

[wanderingmind867]

Galarian Star Tournaments aren't unlocked until you beat everything else in the game? But...but I don't want to complete the Isle of Armour! I don't want to evolve my Kubfu! Are...are you kidding me!? So I've done everything for nothing, is that it!?

I...I don't feel any fulfilment from beating this game. I can't have multiple save files. I can't access the Star Tournaments (something I was actually looking forward to)! I can't do anything now. I feel defeated. I feel like someone has stabbed me in the heart, right when my mood was at it's worst. I...what's even the fucking point anymore!?

I was all ready to praise the game's story and design and everything. Hop has a really cohesive narrative that I enjoy following. The rival who's trying to find meaning in his life...I find the relationship between Hop and Victor/Gloria to be really sweet. Very touching. I found so many good characters in Pokemon Shield. But all because I don't want to complete the Isle of Armour, so much is locked off from me. I...what was even the fucking point of playing, then!? Why'd I let my dad buy me this fucking DLC!?

I'm depressed now. I'm just very depressed. My phone case feels like it's bending underneath my touch, so I'm scared I'll break it. I'm suffering a severe meltdown again. I'm really stressed. I'm really, really stressed. I just feel sad and angry and frustrated and...I'm sweating now! Because of this, I'm sweating and I feel like I'm going to cry! Fuck you! Fuck you, pokemon company! You're run by assholes!

[wanderingmind867]

Is there a fear of everything? If so, then I have it I almost certainly do Because I can be nervous about anything And I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with that

I'm scared of heights Scared of storms Scared of darkness Scared of being alone

I'm afraid of horror movies Afraid of horror games Afraid of horror generally

I've been put off of puppets Put off of stop motion Put off of classic animation All by different horror themed things

Loud noises make me flinch I almost scream when people walk up behind me I jump a foot in air each time

I'm a paranoid fellow A neurotic fool Stress could kill me at any time

I don't know why other people aren't like this, too I feel like I'm the only one living with constant frayed nerves Constant stress Constant fear Constant unease and distress

[wanderingmind867]

It was really sunny earlier, but now it's grey and cloudy again. My mood is feeling miserable, and I just keep feeling weird. Two days ago (give or take) I briefly thought about time and about how the days were passing by. I thought about how my dad goes back to work soon, and I began to feel miserable.

So now that's stuck in my head, and the stormy weather is depressing me. I feel depressed. My throat is slightly sore, my general sense of well-being is just off. sigh...

[wanderingmind867]

I'm still feeling bored and kind of sad. I don't know why. This week feels like it's being really long, and I just feel drained of energy. So freaking drained of energy, annoyingly.

I'm hoping it doesn't storm today. I'm hoping it doesn't, but I'm worried it will. I've got heartburn and other things bugging me, too. It's frustrating. My mood is just really weird. Really freaking weird.

I'm trying to think of things to say. I just washed my face to try and wake myself up. I feel a little bit better now, but I know why I keep feeling sad. It's because the weather is really bad, the clock keeps moving really slowly and really fast, my dad goes back to work on friday, I just feel miserable. But I should be fine.

[wanderingmind867]

The World Cup starts this week. I'm not excited. I liked playing soccer as a kid, but I was horrible at it. But I never enjoyed it as a competitive thing, I enjoyed it more just as a recreational thing.

I bring this up only to complain. There's gonna be nothing on TV for the next few weeks, and that's horribly frustrating for me. It's annoying. It's so freaking annoying. I hate how there's nothing on TV, because I've got no ideas for what else to do.

I'm still dealing with lingering depression. I feel tired and moody and sad. I don't know why. But all week, I've been locked in on depression, and it's just not very fun to deal with.

[wanderingmind867]

I've got heartburn again. It's really grey and dark outside. Apparently it's supposed to storm today. I've got nothing to do. I've made 5 posts today, and I don't think any of them have been seen. So I'm hoping people see them eventually. Because I've got a depression

I'm thinking maybe I'll try to watch the Bob's Burgers Movie. I've tried with my dad years ago, and I never could get into it. I loved the show, couldn't get into the movie. But maybe I'll try again. Not like I've got anything else to do with my dad today. It's this or the pokemon anime, I guess.

I don't know if I'll go with my dad on that brain cancer walk this weekend. I'll decide solely based on the weather and on my general emotional state that day.

[wanderingmind867]

My throat feels slightly dry and/or slightly sore most of the time. That's incredibly frustrating for me, and I hate it. I don't know why my throat had to feel so dry or so sore so often. I don't know why I have to be so congested so much of the time, either. But it's awful.

My head hurts. I've got a throbbing headache. I don't know why. But I'm definitely gonna blame it on the weather. I've felt the air outside. It's so freaking humid. So, so very humid. The air felt hard to breathe, and it felt so hot that it was an arid desert. I've never been to a desert, but I still think the comparison stands. The weather network is still predicting a storm. So I'm still scared a storm is brewing, and I definitely think the way the weather goes from hot to cold, humid to clear, warm to temperate and everything…I think all those changes are working ill will on my head. It's horrible.

I hate heat. I'd rather live in the arctic circle. Up in the cold, with blankets and heat circulating through every inch of my home. Maybe that'd suck too, but you begin to really pine for it when the summer heat begins to wear you down. I hate the heat. I really, really, really hate summer.

My stomach still has issues. I still have struggles with my new family doctor. I really want to start looking into a new doctor. But yeah, thunderstorms are apparently coming. That's stressing me out. So I know I'll probably end up writing about it a little bit later on here. If it gets really loud, I'll return to this note in my notes app and I'll start making updates. But for now, I'm feeling lethargic and tired again. Can you believe it's only 11? I woke up at 6:30, and it feels like 12 hours have already passed.

I don't know if I'll join my dad on the brain cancer charity walk this weekend. It's the morally right thing to do, but I'm not leaving the house if the temperature is 31 degrees celsius. I'm locking myself indoors, and I refuse to budge on that. So I guess we'll see what happens.

[wanderingmind867]

My dad compared these writings of mine Jokingly to musoems Those not quite songs and not quite poems From Bob's Burgers

We watch Bob's Burgers a lot And I know he meant it as a joke But I think he might be onto something As what I write is probably something like that

It isn't poetry It just isn't There's no structure, no real pattern No real written flow There's very few rhymes No pentameter or meter of any kind No nothing to denote poetry

And it isn't musical It can't be a song There's no rhythmic lyrical flow There's nothing of that sort It can't be music or even a song

It's more like paragraphs If it's like anything I'm just writing paragraphs Chopping them up into fragments And making them into poems

But chopping up paragraphs That doesn't sound very nice It sounds horrible, honestly So I think I'd rather even take a name like musoems It's weird But at least it's memorable And close to museums Which are places I like And it doesn't evoke violence As my metaphor or simile or whatever does

What are these things I'm writing? Who cares? Writing is enough, isn't It? It's paragraphs But shorter Poems Without rhyme or any real structure But I kind of enjoy writing them Nonetheless

I feel tired I feel exhausted It's humid outside They say thunderstorms are coming And I feel apathy setting in Apathy and boredom Exhaustion over nothing I have stuff I want to write But I can't do paragraphs So I'll do it in this format instead

[wanderingmind867]

Yesterday, the weather was predicting storms all day. It never freaking rained, though. No storms were ever to be seen. It got really freaking cloudy. It got dark and depressing, but no thunder ever did come down. No lightning, no thunder and barely even any rain. Nothing ever did come down. I had a bloodwork appointment yesterday, and it largely went fine. But the storms aren't coming. They aren't coming! But the constant fear of them is really horrible for me.

They still keep predicting a storm today. They keep predicting rain and thunder, but it might not even be coming! There's been sun, not rain. Still, rain is a possibility. And that very possibility is stressing me out. Being a bit bored and having all this stuck on my mind leads me to some rather unfortunate feelings of stress. It also leads me to feel tired.

My iron might be low. My iron is potentially really low. I'm also still constipated. I'm trying to unconstipate myself, but the hemorrhoids aren't helping things. Everytime I try to go bathroom, it just ends up becoming a bloody mess. It's horrible. If anything does come out of me, it's at least 50% blood. I've had hemorrhoids since August or September 2025. I don't know why they won't go away. I probably keep straining when I go bathroom. I probably also stay on the toilet too long. Those are apparently contributing factors, and they're both relatable things to me.

I woke up at 6:30 am today. It's now almost 9 am, but I'm still extremely tired. I feel like shutting my eyes and sleeping in until noon. I really feel like I could do that. I know tiredness is a symptom of iron deficiency, though. And because I know that, I also know that my nerves surrounding my exhaustion have skyrocketed. I now feel really, really nervous about it.

Is tiredness a symptom of being 21? I don't know. I've heard teenagers need more sleep, and I think the brain doesn't stop developing until age 25. So I think I'm technically still a teenager by that one metric, and it could help explain my exhaustion? I don't know! But I want an explanation for my exhaustion beyond something like an iron deficiency. I want an explanation that doesn't involve me having another health issue. I hate this! I hate this. My dad's also saying my Vitamin B12 stores might be a little bit low or something. My red blood cell count or whatever might be a tiny bit low. So maybe that explains the tiredness? I don't really know.

But wait. Before I get too distracted talking about my exhaustion and my constipation and everything else, I need to talk about something else. Because my dad's now saying my new family doctor didn't request any iron tests on the blood test requisition. Apparently you need to specify "ferritin" in order to get a ferritin test for iron deficiency during your bloodwork. And he simply didn't flag ferritin anywhere! It's nowhere to be found on the requisition paperwork. So I think that means he didn't request iron testing after all.

This makes me hate him even more then I already did, because he promised me that he'd check for iron! He promised me that, and then he didn't even fucking request a test for it! I'm sorry for swearing. It's just… this really frustrates me. This doctor is new to me. I've only met him around three times. And each time I see him, he makes me feel like I can't trust him. He decreased my medication without telling me. He didn't seem to request iron testing like he promised to do. He basically fails any reasonable test of trustworthiness, and I'm beginning to hate him for it.

He hasn't been bullying me or anything. But he feels decidedly untrustworthy. He just doesn't really make me feel very at ease, and he makes me uncomfortable. He makes me really uncomfortable sometimes. It's frustrating. Really, really freaking frustrating. It's stressing me out.

Speaking of things that stress me out…my stomach still feels sore and uncomfortable. My hemorrhoids are still making me bleed whenever I go bathroom. And I still have stomach cramps. It's frustrating. I think I might be going bathroom more often, but I'm also feeling a real tightness in my stomach a decent amount of the time. And that's really frustrating. I can make do, but still. Frustrating.

[wanderingmind867]

I feel like I should tell my therapist about my sexuality eventually. I told my dad once, but the way in which that went is why I don't want to tell my therapist. I told my dad I'm aegosexual. I told him I masturbate but that I don't feel anything else sexually. He accepted me for it. He didn't seem to fully understand, because he got awkward and tried to reassure me by telling me he masturbates/has masturbated before, too.

It was an embarassing mess, that's all I can say. It was an embarassing mess to tell my dad about all this. So the idea of telling my therapist...it's equally uncomfortable. My therapist should not view me as a sexual being! I don't want anyone to view me that way! I masturbate, and I honestly hate that it means people get to perceive me for my sexuality. So I'm frustrated by all this.

I still probably should tell my therapist. I want to talk to someone about how I have an urge to masturbate a good amount of the time, especially when I'm bored. But I don't want to open up and get so awkward. So I just don't know if I'll ever be able to do it.

I've been boosting this one a lot, mainly just because I feel an urge to masturbate a lot lately. Like...a lot. And it's making me feel like I've gotta tell my therapist. But it's so embarassing. And I've got other issues really stressing me out, so I can always put things off. sigh...

[wanderingmind867]

Yesterday, the weather was predicting storms all day. It never freaking rained, though. No storms were ever to be seen. It got really freaking cloudy. It got dark and depressing, but no thunder ever did come down. No lightning, no thunder and barely even any rain. Nothing ever did come down. I had a bloodwork appointment yesterday, and it largely went fine. But the storms aren't coming. They aren't coming! But the constant fear of them is really horrible for me.

They still keep predicting a storm today. They keep predicting rain and thunder, but it might not even be coming! There's been sun, not rain. Still, rain is a possibility. And that very possibility is stressing me out. Being a bit bored and having all this stuck on my mind leads me to some rather unfortunate feelings of stress. It also leads me to feel tired. It also leads to urges to masturbate sometimes. sigh...

PS: My iron might be low. My iron is potentially really low. I'm also still constipated. I'm trying to unconstipate myself, but the hemorrhoids aren't helping things. sigh...

[wanderingmind867]

Does anyone else have severe congestion? Please, I need to know. I need to know I'm not alone in suffering. I've never met anyone who's been suffering from congestion in the exact same way I feel horribly congested. I feel so congested half the time. So much freaking congested.

Beyond congestion, I also get heartburn. The heartburn strikes me when I try to get the phlegm out of my throat. I try to force it out of my throat, but it just won't freaking leave me alone! It won't go away, and the heartburn then floods me.

I hate this, and I just wish someone else experienced it too. If only so I know I'm not crazy for all this. sigh...