#my damage

[joyousandferal]

“You’re like family to me so I’m not going to throw our relationship away over something dumb”.

Wait. What? Unconditional love? This is unfamiliar territory.

[mentalisttraceur]

It kinda only just now sunk in that I don't really have any self-esteem or sense of self-worth independent of what I can do. At some point that got far too damaged.

Smart? That's a set of skills, I can do that. Writes well, programs well - skills. Philosophically above average? The result of skills. Kinda competent at physical violence and willing to be ruthless if ethically necessary - skills.

But like, I don't... I don't even really understand me having interpersonal worth that isn't a function of what I can do in the world or for other experiencing minds. That's not a real concept in my mind - I can conceptualize it in the abstract but I cannot feel it as real.

When people feel friendship or love towards me, I'm perpetually on the brink of "why?" - it kinda seems implausible and nonsensical. When I'm doing good things in the world or in their lives, the "why?" has a ready answer. But if I'm not performing in a way that is sufficiently above-average, if I see too many flaws in myself or my life or what I'm doing, that "why?" starts to creep in.

And this sorta generalizes.

At some point I could experience and simulate human bonds normally, I think. But there was too much pain there, so I grew closed to human connections by the time I was a teen.

I have friends but I don't feel friendship, as an emotional experience, I just value people or want to help them or enjoy our interactions or don't feel opposed to their invites, so I spend time with them sometimes.

The only love I've ever felt has been so complicated by unhealthy notes - idealizing infatuation, codependent pity, insecure need for validation and support, guardedness against betrayal or prioritization of others over me, the profound fulfillment of being able to "save" someone - so different versus what would explain the behavior of people with normal "love" for friends, family, or partners, that I still don't know if I even feel love.

So I kinda don't even understand friendship, love, or why people feel loyalty for each other. I never expect it towards myself and I can't properly model the experiences of those who do feel it, towards me or others… so I can't really simulate it, and my thoughts account for it more like a cold mechanical function: a system of tensions and forces, pulls and repulsions between people with different goals, tolerances, interpersonal crumple zones, spots of uncompromising rigidity, and internal experience valuing and prioritizing functions.

Which works well as far as predictive accuracy goes, but I'm constantly uncomfortable because I've stopped being able to really feel - or maybe just acknowledge or permit within myself - key parts of those systems.

And it all comes back to that original thing. At some point I stopped feeling any intrinsic self-worth, independent of what kind of person I am or what kind of capabilities I have. And at some point I shut down feeling that towards others to protect myself. Then I reinforced this across my thoughts, as I built ethics elegantly immune to the unfairness of such feelings, which kinda required devaluing those feelings or making them a function of other valuation.

[scoop16]

Currently reading...

[spunkyboy1995]

stains

[cyb3rr-ang3l]

Online shopping for the perfect Heathers outfit

[evhasa]

on the one hand, eating is something i should probably do. 

food tends to be useful, and hypoglycemia was zero fun last time.

on the other hand, i’ve accidentally lost 3.5 kg, soooo....

[houtaarou]

*casually feels like a socially inept idiot that is clingy and dependent the moment i show any sign of wanting to have some sort of human interaction*