#mycorner;

[rineedagger]

You don’t get it, do you?

Self control is one of my top tier disciplines.

You’d never know what’s going on

behind these hazel eyes,

unless I want you to.

So if you see something, tell me

What do you see?

Because I already know if you’re lying

or reading through me.

Because I know if you’re mirroring or

hoping to transform me into

whatever you want me to.

Because I already know

if it’s your own fear sneaking through

or something new.

Be careful,

this steadiness is deliberately chosen.

Did you hear that thunder breaking?

Did you feel that frosty current

scratching your skin?

Be careful.

[rineedagger]

I don't wish to be loved, for I believe to the core of my bones that I do not deserve it. I don't want to love, since I feel it bleeds more than heals. I want love to find me. I want it to crush me, travel through my veins, my skin. I want it imprinted on my lips, my wrists and my hips. I want it to whisper sweet melodies through my ears, to show me the world through its senses. I want to know it wholly. I don't want to be a witness, but its vessel.

[rineedagger]

[rineedagger]

Here I remain, With my leather jacket and feline socks, rocking my foot back and forth. My hair has never been this long. The cold air caresses my cheeks and fills my lungs. The singing of birds is the closest thing to peace I’ve ever felt.

It is fascinating that my hands have remained this warm, that my heart has become numb to some and open to others. It feels welcome in complete solitude, but confined when held in someone else’s hands (even my own).

I forgot my glasses, though. The vision’s blurred so I rely on my hearing. The vibration of car wheels, miles from where I’m standing, travels from the floor to my hips. The scream of children playing test the limits of my ears.

I love the scent of cold, humidity, petrichor, wood and campfire. I long for the sea, the ocean, her ferocity. But I can reach to the creeks, the mountain rivers and their currency.

The city overwhelms me. People do. I feel eternally broken and forever tired and sore. I no longer seek to be seen, only to remain as strong as steel.

[rineedagger]

I know I shouldn’t’ve come here Loud steps– firm, fast. Convulsed thoughts, uncertain.

(Couldn’t or wouldn’t?)

But I got nowhere to go (Where?)

The only certainty is where I come from. Eyes forward–only– when someone’s waiting.

Cold, alone, independent.

I know I shouldn’t call after dark anymore Needing is like lava embracing steel– it makes you flimsy, restricts your potential.

Why do my legs keep moving? (why do I keep walking?) Why does my mind keep spinning?

But I’ve got no one, I know, I can do it on my own. Even enjoy the piercing cold until my lungs combust.

The truth is– no one is strong enough, nor vulnerable enough. Not simple, not complex. Not fun, not boring. Not shy, not charismatic. Not enough to stand me, love me, look for– have me.

I don’t want saving

No one in this world.

But I do want to be found.

ASHAMED

HEALTH · ASHAMED · Song · 2023

[rineedagger]

[rineedagger]

Thou who darest to read, I perceive thy sclera basking like twin coal stones under the brightness of purity, drenched in yearning.

Oh sweet, little wonderer, my lips still bear the taste of the weight upon thy chest, pressing and pressing until naught remaineth. I'd traverse each inch of thy frame until thou art naught but flame.

Dost thou hear my murmurs? I know it all, all thou hast striven to conceal. Didst think thy sins would remain buried deep? That angels' clemency might set thee free? Or their wings might enfold thee in sleep?

Ignorant mortal, thou livest amid their decay— a vessel I shall feast upon one day.

Thy guilt is my choicest perfume. And thy tears! Weep yet not to me, for I shall not manifest— only guide thee to safety, yet always darker (for is it not thy soul and sin entwined?).

[rineedagger]

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