Hi y’all. It’s been 26 months
For anybody who’s new to follow, I’m a 38 year old poly transgender lesbian. I’ll be 39 early February (yes, an aquarius, I know...) To everybody who has followed me for a while, I’m sorry I haven’t been doing personal updates/videos, quitting drinking has smashed any bit of self confidence I had, so I’m trying to recover from that while coping with the inability to self-medicate anxiety (deep breaths.)
Hormones
Estradiol:
Currently I’m taking 6mg Estradiol Valerate through intramuscular injections weekly. That’s 0.3mL of 20mg/mL per week. I do the injections myself as I’m not terribly squeamish, am a masochist, and have a morbid sense of curiousity. I actually kind of look forward to it tbh. For the last 6 months or so, my estrogen levels (at trough) have been pretty high (~350pg/mL), so it looks like I might have to adjust the period between shots to 10 day or 14 day. I’ve been assured by my physician that I can continue shots post surgery. (yay!)
Progesterone:
I’ve taken a break on progesterone because the pairing with high estradiol tends to make me elicit a rather unpleasant mood. I mostly don’t care, but I’d rather not lose my job because I’m snappy and rude. /shrug
Spironolactone:
Still at 200mg/day (not for much longer, heh)
Physical
I was told by multiple sources that smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol would inhibit the levels of estrogen in my system, slowing changes made. I’m not sure how true that is, but it does seem that the last 4 months have yielded some pretty nice physical changes. My breasts are filling out a bit more, still a 38b/c tho. My shape is more hourglass-like. My butt, thighs, and hips have grown more than they did before. I’ve lost more muscle mass in the last 4 months than in the previous year-and-a-half. In addition, it seems my body hair growth has dropped quite a bit. I only shave once a week. Overall, I am incredibly happy with 80% of how I look right now. I still have dysphoria from my face (mostly facial hair), my genitals (more on that later), my size (6′2″), and my voice (though far more feminine than it was, it still bothers me from time-to-time.)
Sexuality
I’ve been still working on how I feel about this. I have and always will be very attracted to women. But... I find that I find very few men attractive despite never being in a sexual relationship with any. I mean, I don’t know what I’m missing, don’t have a desire to pursue, wouldn’t know where to start, and it wouldn’t bother me to never have that, so I mean? I don’t think gender should matter when it comes to attraction or love though.
Sobriety
I quit drinking 5 months ago because it was obvious to me that I had been self-medicating for a very long time. I was trying to forget who I was, pretend I was somebody else, and erase my anxiety. Drinking socially had become an excuse. Drinking in private eventually got out of control. I started seeing a psychiatrist back in May so I could get a letter for surgery. She wanted me sober before she would cooperate. With medicated assistance I was able to quit. About a month after I quit, I relapsed because I didn’t know how to cope with mounting anxiety. I only drank that one day. When I told my psych, she flipped out on me and used gatekeeping to prevent any progress on the surgery until she was personally satisfied with my progress... So I fired her. I still haven’t drank after that one night. I quit smoking on November 1st. So far so good there. Despite not having cravings tho, there is certainly an aspect of drinking and smoking I romanticized that I think I miss. So very goth of me...
Surgery
58 days away and I’m an emotional jumble. I thought that part would wait until the last minute, but oh no... I feel like I have to constantly reassure myself, remind myself what I’ve been through. How I feel. How I’ve always felt. I’ve dreamed about this for the last 17 years. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense to push forward. And that feeling has only gotten more and more intense (dysphoria as well) as the date gets closer.
In February 2017, my therapist gave me her full support for bottom surgery, so I started the process. I talked to my primary care physician/endo, and he also said that he would support me. I talked with a few friends and made up my mind on the surgical center I would contact. I made my consultation appointment in March, to be followed by an April 10th date. I met with Dr. Heidi Wittenberg from Brownstein and Crane Surgical Services. I was very happy with her, so I asked for a surgical date. A few months later, I was told May, 2018 for the date. A couple of months after falling out with my psych, I was contacted by BCSS to change the date to an earlier time. I was like, “oh hey, do you have a February opening? The 5th. I’ll take it!!” Two days later, I’ll turn 39. So now I needed a new psychiatrist for my 3rd letter. Through lots of favors, my medical staff came through, and I was able to get my third letter, despite my prior issues with alcohol.
So now, here I am, 2 months away. One of my close friends has her surgery on Monday, and I’m super elated for her... But between my empathy and own date approaching, I’m pretty high strung. Lots of good thoughts, lots of not so good... but super excited... It’s exhausting.
And so...
I hope to do better with updates, but I’m not holding my breath, lol! I’m going to be pretty busy for the next few months. But wish us luck. Wish me luck. I’m going to need it :D