I often wonder why, as hopeless romantics, we create worlds in our mind that are far from accurate. We let ourselves fade into a fantasy and then wonder why reality hurts so much. If I really stopped to think about it, it was never anything more than exactly what was disclosed from the start. The sleepless nights entangled in the sheets spilling secrets and childhood memories.
It really is not that big of a surprise that one of the consenting parties would fall. Even when the words were spoken that falling was never part of the plan, the romantic within continued to believe like a child at Christmas. Day after day, week after week, month after month.
The trip planned for the middle of next month will not be a life changing one. It is really unfortunate that tonight, tears were spilled like ink from this pen because of the reckless daydreaming. It is hard to not be disappointed and upset with ones self at this point. It is not though there has not been a decision made already to leave this all behind. Three thousand miles is not that far when you consider the air here has lost its crispness. I wonder if this 11 month plan is far too long.
My new liquid diet is not going to love me back in the morning with the suites sitting around that awkwardly oval table discussing policy, procedure, and regulations. I work in the corporate world because I want to be the change I want to see. Tomorrow, however, I will be just another corporate yuppie hung over and perusing black and red reports and justifying unjustifiable expenses.
It is not that there is something missing from this life, it is more that I must always feel fulfilled, romanticized, held to the highest regard, equal in personal and professional lives, and cherished beyond reasonable doubt. That is the burden I have bestowed upon my future partner.
"Don't always reach so high no one can scale your peaks." He told me on our last meeting together. I will take heed to your advice kind sir, but I am going to have to disagree most disrespectfully and wholeheartedly.
I want to lose myself in someone else, as they lose themselves in me.
Please do not misinterpret this for some unrealistic Hollywood ideology of love. That is the furthest from my mind. I crave a companion.
People tend to think that I do not break. In truth I break often. I break in ways most can never fathom. Beneath the slightly unkempt hair and recognizably worn skirt suites these eyes still burn with desire. One day, that burning will be subdued and something new will take its place.
Until that day, I will continue to write, over and over and over spilling what I have left to those preening eyes to which I am forever grateful.
