Freshman Love: When water runs dry
About a week or two into my Freshman year of high school, brown sugar and I had started to fall off. I honestly could not tell you why. Even after she shared with me that she had a miscarriage, my interactions with her didn't change. I did not blame her, I did not point the finger at her, how can you blame someone in this situation who had nothing to do with what happened? That would have been insensitive and harsh. I was young, but I was always operating out of empathy.
Our daily talks became every other day. We were not seeing each other as much. I thought, because I was coming home later due to football practice, that maybe this was one of the problems. I would call, and call, but no answer. She called me whenever she wanted to talk. We never did revisit the conversation about the lost, and we never did go back to being that intimate. I can only assume, but hope that, that wasn't one of the reasons why we started to fall off.
My understanding of love at this point is/was, spending time with the person that you are with means a lot to them, and it meant a lot to me. Talking to that person on the phone means a lot to them, and it meant a lot to me. Physically making sure that that person felt comfortable, and felt loved, meant a lot to them and a lot to me. As long as I showed you loved, I didn't have to tell the world. Our business was our business. Our business staying our business, meant a lot to them, and it meant a lot to me. Calling a girl out of her name wasn't love. Hitting, and physically hurting a girl was not love. Cheating on your girl, was not love. Lying to your girl was not love. The biggest piece for me, was the showing love part. I wanted whoever I was with to know how I felt via actions, and words whenever I had the heart to share them.
When it really hit me that things had changed, I decided to just walk over to brown sugar's crib, hoping that we could talk. I remember the day like it was yesterday. She didn't live far from me. I remember I crossed the highway, the sun was out, summer was still in the air, and I was thinking about her. I was thinking about seeing her, and the conversation that we would have. It had been a minute since we talked or saw each other, so I had no idea how this would go, but I was excited.
When I got to her crib, I knocked on the door, her mom answered and said that she was not home. I said okay and began to turn around to walk back home. When I did, I looked up and saw her on a bike, riding alongside a boy who was also on a bike. We made eye contact, and slowly her bike began to slow down, still riding, with no intent to stop. Our eyes never left each other. I can still see the stillness of her face, she never made a gesture, just kept riding, with no intent to stop. I watched her ride off into the sunlight, no bullshyt. When she got far enough to be somewhat out of distance, she turned around and never looked back.
I stood there for a minute, staring in the direction in which she once was, where they once were. I stood there until they were out of sight. In my head, I was asking myself why? I was also confused, and wasn't sure what just happened. I put my head down and walked back home; slowly. When I got home, I put the mask on, and pretended that everything was okay. I didn't talk to anyone about it, I kept it to myself, trying to process it, trying to understand it, and hurting because another girlfriend had cheated on me.
Love isn't Lost. I know exactly where I put it at
