#myviewz

[myviewz]

[myviewz]

I'm so scared that one day you'll wake up and decide to leave me. No warning no nothing. That maybe one day I'll stop being important. That you'll walk away from my life and not even realise you're leaving me.

Maybe that's why I make up scenarios in my head or see so far ahead in a future that might not happen, because I'm always preparing myself to lose you when you haven't even left.

I know it's so hypocritical of me cause I'm always the one threatening to leave. Maybe that's my defence mechanism; that maybe if I leave first you won't leave me.

I feel so guilty doing that to you cause it's not fair. Cause if I heard the words I say to you to me it would break me, I'd wanna punch me in the face. But you say nothing. You do nothing. You just sit there feeling my pain and take it all in and say absolutely nothing. And if that doesn't make you the most wonderful being on this earth I don't know what is.

[myviewz]

Let me go.

I never left, I never lied But when you left a thousand times I came back another million times.

You broke my heart and tore it in two But when you’re next to me I want to fix us with glue.

Just tell me what went wrong My body is weak and tired of holding on.

This is messed up, you know it’s true We can’t work things out, this is so overdue.

Please let me go, my hands are getting sore Please let me go, I’ll take my pride and walk out the door.

[myviewz]

Not There.

One day you’ll wake up and you won’t find me there. One day you’ll wake up and the left side of the bed will be bare. I promise this wasn’t easy, I swear this wasn’t what I wanted to do. I’m sorry my love was too much for you.

Hate me if that will calm your storms. Blame me when you can’t right your wrongs. Feel what you need to feel even if they’re lies. Do what makes it real just that time can pass by.

Forget my face, forget my smile forget the kisses before we said goodnight. Look back on those times where we used to scream and fight. You’d rush to the door and leave me crying through the night. Forget my voice, forget my laughter, forget how my touch was a sweet disaster. Look back on those times when reality kicked in when you said you couldn’t love me right. How much I’d blame myself, then excuse yourself that it was out of spite.

Don’t come looking for me don’t come asking why. I suffered a thousand wars but now my tears run dry. Call my a coward call me any nouns you’d like. Call me whatever your heart desires to lead me out of your life. If there’s one thing I’m sorry is that I’m leaving without saying goodbye. I’m sorry I don’t have the strength to look into your eyes.

That day has come where you won’t find me there. No more good morning or leaving your black coffee on your dusty wooden chair.

TJP

[myviewz]

She.

Time stood still as I gazed into his eyes. His eyes dilated, focused on me, searching to see what has shattered in the wonders of my mind. Little did he know it was empty and hollow. Little did he know it was a maze that was hard to follow. Little did he know there was nothing more to this, little did he know it was an abyss.

A slight nod to pull him out of focus. He didn’t even glitch, he barely even noticed. My words silent as they drew tiny ripples of confusion on my forehead It felt uncomfortable, it felt weird, it felt like I shouldn’t be here. Questions lining up in my head like soldiers, I felt the weight lift off my shoulders. My mind went silent, it was unsettling so I shift right back to focus. Were they fireworks? Were they cannonballs? were they waltzing together? Funny I haven’t noticed. He’s undressing my soul, he’s trying to dig deeper, reaching for an answer that none of us knew either. He was so persistent yet so at ease, there was something inside me he needed to release.

I close my eyes, I clenched my teeth. I said to myself, let go and breath. Even the air I was inhaling went in slow motion. I couldn’t fathom it, I couldn’t bare it, I’m so tired of this notion. I felt his eyes on me, even with my eyes wide shut; Maybe for a second I forgot to breath Maybe for a moment I denied to see Maybe I was scared to see my reflection staring back at me.

I counted, one ... two ... three. I inhale once more and I as I exhale I find relief  and still to my disbelief I find those brown eyes finding their way back to me. I felt the muscles in my eyes dilate, I can even feel my lungs deflate. I saw my reflection in his eyes it was so distorted, what a beautiful demise. She didn’t even look like me she had an angelic figure. Was she trapped? Was she lost? She looks so perfect like a ballerina locked in a jewelry box. I leaned forward, looked further deep, she looks calm, she looks pretty, I swear that can’t be me. I pull back, my shoulders crouch, I can see my mind filling with doubt. I stopped, I deflect, I rewound to a moment when the mirror reflected back to what I thought was me. I saw war, I saw pain, I saw arrows pulling me apart through my veins. I saw me, I saw my truth, I saw a broken record that was never put to use. I looked up and back down once more, I told myself I couldn’t be this girl anymore.

I pressed forward, forward where time stood still. My focus back at him and I see him so calm as if it was his own free will. I felt lost and so confused everything made no sense, I swear he looks at me as if I’m heavens’ sent. He smiles, then I smile, I don’t think I ever felt this happy for a while. My breathing picks up pace, I tell myself to breath, my eyes clouding up inside and my unspoken words turns to tears. I think I saw hope, I think I saw love, I think I saw happiness in shades of colours I never knew I had. I could have sworn a moment ago I was dying inside, I could have sworn it was all I ever had, I could have sworn those truths were just lies.

I close my eyes, I see her there, so far and out of reach. I wonder if I’ll ever see her again because in her I find peace. I sigh and sigh and cry a bit more. I pour myself in his arms as if my faith had been restored. I look back at him with my rosy cheeks and salted wounded eyes. I hope someday I’ll meet that girl who was lost so deep inside. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, I don’t know how, where and why. But please don’t give up on me because I promise I will try.

TJP

[myviewz]

Right for us

I’m really trying to figure you out, I really am. Things don’t make any sense. The way you talk is so much different from the way you act. You say things, you put honey to your words and I fall for them. You tell me you have feelings for me and never act upon it. You tell me that you doubt me and my love for you, but never doubted yourself for your love to me. It really doesn’t make any sense. 

Then just one day 

You tell me that for the first time you’re doing things ‘right’ for us. 

This is where you got things completely wrong. What you said, it completely makes sense.

I am not your past, I am not a mistake that you can fix. I didn’t make the mistake, we didn’t make a mistake together. You are trying to avoid all sorts of mistakes that may come between us, but you are forgetting that in order to love mistakes happen. You can’t just fix something that never happened. It doesn’t work that way.

You know I love you, well I know I love you as well, but you make me doubt myself and you build up insecurities in my head and you make me doubt wether I am actually showing you that I love you.

You’re never here. Do you want to be here? Your love makes no sense to me. Have you fabricated this person in your head of who I am to you? of what I am? Have you created a person that I am not? Have I let you make me into that person? Have I blindly accepted that I am that person you created and I just haven’t realised that? I don’t want to believe that’s true but the more I think of it, this is the only thing that makes sense. All I keep on repeating in my head is when you said you are doing what is right for us.

What is even right for us. I guess if it’s ‘us’ I might as well know shouldn’t I?

I love you. But it is not right for you to believe that you can make everything right for us. It is not right for me to make you think that I’ll allow you to do that. 

[myviewz]

You have no right to ask me if I'm happy. What type of answer am I suppose to give you?

Do you want me to lie to you and tell you that I'm happy?

Or boost your ego and tell you since the day we parted I haven't been sure whether I am happy or not.

But I guess you lost the right to even ask me. You don't deserve any answer.

[myviewz]