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May 8, 2017

Unforgivable?

Let me introduce you to two boys of mine. Nathan and Connor. They’re both in their early 20s, dated for nearly 3 years before they broke up and hoped never to have to see each other again but tragedy has a funny way of bringing people together.

After a long day at the office there was nothing Connor wanted more than to curl up on his sofa with a takeaway and a new episode of The Walking Dead. It wasn’t that he disliked his job, the opposite in fact, he loved working for one of the city's biggest newspapers it just meant there were some hard days and long nights. He came back to his apartment and sighed, home at last; he left his bag by the door and went around turning on the lights and switching on the tv. He’d never had gotten used to the silence, it had been months and at first he thought he’d enjoy the peace but instead it just felt like something was missing. He really must get around to getting a cat, something to keep him company at least. Connor tried to ignore the nagging feeling of loneliness and put the kettle on, a nice hot drink to sooth a stress filled day why he ordered his favorites from the place down the road. He’d sat down, mug of tea steaming on the coffee table and an old episode of Friends playing on the tv while he waited for the latest zombie adventure.He flicked through the menu from the takeaway like he didn’t already know what he was going to have, his order hadn’t changed in months. He was all settled in for the night, letting the mindless tv relax him when his phone buzzed with an incoming message. Connor assumed it was his sister informing him of the newest trouble his nephew had gotten up to, instead there was a number on the screen rather than a name, a number he knew all too well. It belonged to his ex boyfriend Nathan, Connor hadn’t heard from him since their not so easy break up almost five months ago. He decided to open it rather than just delete it, even if it was just to laugh at his exes drunk declaration of love.

‘Hi Connor, I’m sorry to get in contact like this but I didn’t know who else to talk to. Mum’s died and well I know how fond of you she was and I know that’s it wrong of me to ask but I could really do with someone to talk to, feel free to ignore this message if not and again I’m sorry.’

Connor felt like someone had just stamped on his heart, Mrs Fletcher was dead. He knew she’d been ill for a long time, all through his and Nathan’s relationships but to hear that she’d died was something else. She’d been a lovely woman and one Connor had missed ever since the break up. He read through Nathan’s message again, he couldn’t imagine how the younger man was feeling, his mum was the only family he had and she was gone. He thought about the request to talk and then looked at the takeaway menu abandoned next to his lukewarm cup of tea, if Nathan had reached out to him then he really did need someone and Connor couldn’t deny that, no matter how things had ended between them. He picked up his phone and send a quick text back.

‘Do you still live on Baxter Street and have you eaten?’

It only took a few minutes for Nathan to reply, just enough time for Connor to have changed from his work clothes to something comfortable.

‘Yes and no.’

‘I’ll be there in half an hour.’

Connor didn’t wait for a reply before putting his phone in his pocket and grabbing his jacket, leaving his apartment and quiet night in behind.

The takeaway place was about halfway between Connor and Nathan’s apartments, it had been their favourite once upon a time. As Connor stood waiting to make his order he tried not to think about what it would be like seeing Nathan again, he’d been so careful to avoid the younger even if it meant giving up some of his old hangouts. It wasn’t going to be some awkward meeting in the frozen food aisle of local Tesco, Nathan needed him and he’d long forgotten what that felt like, to be needed by someone. He knew Nathan wouldn’t have turned to him if there was anyone else but he’d never been good at sharing his feelings so maybe no one else even knew about Mrs Fletcher, the thought made Connor’s blood run cold. When it was his turn at the front of que Connor didn’t even have to think about his order, he’d made it so many times before. The old lady who ran the place gave Connor a smile but he didn’t say anything, it wasn’t something he felt like he could explain, he just paid and left, picking his pace up so the food would stay warm.

Within ten minutes he was walking up the stairs in Nathan’s building, he didn’t need to ask what apartment, he had the door number burned into his memory from the last time he walked away, closing the door behind him. He stopped outside number 15 and knocked, he felt like his stomach was tying itself in knots and his palms were sweaty and after a few moments the door opened. Nathan stood there looking like a complete mess, his dark hair was tangled and sticking up all over the place, he was pale and dark circles surrounded his blue eyes.

“Hey, how are you doing?” Connor asked, trying to sound casual and not like a bundle of nerves.

“Not great,” Nathan replied before turning and coughing harshly into his arm. “And I feel like shit.”

Connor saw the redness of his nose and the slight wheeze to his breathing, Nathan had obviously caught something as well as having lost his mum, Connor tried to ignore the pang sympathy in his heart.

“Well I brought Maggie’s so hopefully that’ll make you feel better.”

Nathan let Connor into his apartment, leading him back into the living room. Connor was surprised at how little everything had changed, the only real difference was the level of mess (Nathan never was the tidy one,) the tissues and bottles of cold medicine scattered about the place. Nathan ambled back to what was his spot on the sofa, sitting down amongst a pile of blankets and picking up a tissue to blow his nose. Connor just stood awkwardly at the edge of the room, unsure of what to do but with the food getting cold in his arms he had to make a move. He sat down in a chair opposite Nathan and started unpacking the tubs of food onto the already crowded coffee table.

“Sorry I would’ve cleaned up before you came but I haven’t felt like doing much of anything,” Nathan said before breaking off into another coughing fit.

Connor just frowned and helped Nathan clear away the used tissues and empty pill bottles into the bin.

“Let me get us some plates,” Nathan said but as he tried to stand he just fell back down. “Sorry got dizzy.”

“No worries, I’ll get them,” Connor said.

He still pretty much remembered where everything was in Nathan’s apartment and found the plates and cutlery without much trouble. He hadn’t expected Nathan to be so sick, he hadn’t mentioned anything. Connor had expected an emotional mess, all ugly crying and grieving, instead Nathan looked like a sick puppy. No Connor, don’t start thinking like that.

“Found them!”

Connor came back to find Nathan staring blankly at the wall,he looked like he was about to burst into tears, Connor prepared himself for the worst but instead Nathan covered his face with his hands and sneezed.

“Hisssccchhhhoooo, hissscchhhhoooo, hiiissscccchhhoooooo,”

“Bless you.”

“Ugh thanks,” Nathan sniffed, wiping his nose with one of ratty looking tissues.

Connor placed the plates on the table and started dishing out the food. He tried not to focus on the memories creeping up on him, of them eating the same takeaway, in the same apartment, on the same sofa. Connor was snapped away from memory lane as Nathan coughed, it sounded painful and he didn’t seem able to stop. Connor scrabbled for a glass of water on the table and pressed into Nathan’s shaking hands.

“Small sips, it’ll help.”

It felt like forever before Nathan was able to stop, his breath shaky as he wiped tears from his eyes.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, taking a few more sips of water.

Connor wanted to say something, to ask whether he’d been to a Doctor or just to ask if he needed anything but he didn’t. Nathan wasn’t his to worry over anymore. He returned to putting out the food as Nathan blew his nose, sounding no less stuffed up.

“Here you are, something to eat will help,” Connor said, holding out a plate covered with Nathan’s favourite food.

The sick man looked up and for a second Connor thought he saw the hint of a smile, food always had been the way to his heart.

“Thank you,” he said, taking the plate onto his lap.

“You don’t have to keep saying thank you, it’s fine, really.”

Nathan just shrugged and began to eat. It was quiet why they ate neither of them knowing what to say to break the ice. Connor was pleased to see Nathan eating something, he had no idea the last time he would have had anything and he was so skinny to start with. When they had first started dating Connor found out that forgetting to eat was an act Nathan was prone to, it had taken a few months to train it out of him but it seemed like old habits die hard. Nathan eventually pushed his plate away after eating about half, as he was sick and probably didn’t have much of an appetite Connor didn’t push it.

“Can’t beat a good Maggie’s dinner,” Connor said, trying to get passed the awkwardness.

“Yeah I’ve missed their stuff.”

It hadn’t crossed Connor’s mind that because he’d been able to keep Maggie’s that Nathan would have given it up. He’d always loved their food so much, Connor felt a stab of guilt for having taken that from him. They fell into silence again, only broken when Nathan succumb to a sneezing fit.

“HIssshhhooooo, hissschhhooooo, hiiisscccchhhoooooo.”

“Bless you.”

“Thanks,” he sniffed, getting out another tissue. “Look I’m sorry about this, I didn’t mean to ask you over just to watch me sneeze and cough, I just didn’t want to be alone and I didn’t know who else to…. Hiscchhhhoooo, hisscchhhoooo.”

“It’s okay, I know you can’t help it.”

“I just miss her.”

Nathan’s voice was so quiet it barely a whisper, croaky and tired.

“I miss her too, I found myself buying lemon tea because it reminded me of her.”

Nathan gave a laugh before it turned it a rough cough.

“She would have liked that,” he said.

“The world will be a duller place without her, she was a real wonderful woman,” Connor said and he meant it too. He’d never met anyone like Mrs Violet Fletcher, to be so caring and loving, especially when she was so, so ill.

“Yeah she..I… wa…”

Nathan stumbled over his words and for the first time Connor honestly thought he was going to cry, instead he just stared at his hands, sniffling.

“At least she’s not in pain anymore,” Connor said, he’d never been the best at comforting people and the fact it was ex boyfriend in need of comforting made it even harder to find the words.

“That’s… That’s what everyone at the hospital kept saying but.. But she’s still gone, and I know how selfish it sounds but I want her here with me.” His voice cracked. “I don’t want to be alone.”

Connor watched, feeling helpless as Nathan put his face in his hands and cried. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen him cry but seeing him in such a mess wasn’t not something Connor felt prepared for. He didn’t say anything, just got up from his chair opposite and sat beside Nathan, putting an arm around his shaking shoulders.

“You’re going to be okay,” Connor tried to reassure him but his words felt hollow.

Nathan’s crying turned to coughing and Connor rubbed his back, he could feel the heat radiating through his thin cotton shirt.

“Hey, look at me a moment.”

Nathan raised his head, his eyes red from crying with tears on his cheeks and nose running. He looked like a little boy in need of his mum, scared and alone. Connor placed his wrist to Nathan’s forehead and frowned.

“You’re really warm, do you have anything you can take?” Connor asked.

“In the… Hii…hiii… hiissssscccchhhoooo, hiiisssshhhhhhooooo, in the the kit.. HIssshhhhOOO, kitchen.”

“Okay and bless you.”

Connor got up in search of medicine as Nathan cleaned himself up, in the small apartment he could still hear him sniffling from the kitchenette. He found a box of ibuprofen and filled a glass with water before going back to Nathan, who was now wrapped in a blanket to combat his chills.

“This is all you’ve got but it should help.”

“Thanks.”

He took the pill with a few sips of water and went to put the glass down.

“Drink all of it, you’ll feel better,” Connor suggested.

“When did you become such a Doctor?” Nathan asked.

“I did a column about basic health tips for winter, I guess I picked up a few things.”

Nathan just nodded and coughed weakly into the back of his hand. They descended into silence again and Connor racked his brains trying to find something to say, something to help Nathan but also to get his own mind off the fact that the boy whose heart he broke was sitting inches away from him.

“When… When… I was a kid and home sick from school mum would always put on Back to the Future, or Ghostbusters, something that helped get my mind off how crappy I was feeling.”

A memory that Connor had long buried came back to the surface, of coming home and hearing the familiar sounds of Johnny B Goode playing on the tv. The sound that only meant one thing, that Nathan was feeling under the weather and needed some comfort.

“Shall I put it on?” Connor asked.

Nathan nodded and brought his knees up to his chest, his sock clad feet tangling just over the edge of the sofa. He didn’t need to tell Connor where to find the collection of dvds, he hadn’t moved them from their place under the tv. The shelves that were once organized and neatly arranged were messy, dvds piled on top of each over but it didn’t take long to spot the name he was looking for. As Connor pulled out the box he realised it was the one he’d given Nathan, he’d been so upset when his own dvd had become unplayable from over use that Connor had brought him a collector's copy, complete bonus content and a poster that had once been in their bedroom. Connor didn’t say anything as he stood up and placed it in the tv, he didn’t want to stir up old memories.

It didn’t take long for the familiar music to start playing, Connor sat back on the sofa with Nathan beside him.

“Mum was a real nerd, she’d been first in line for the latest Star Wars film and never once missed an episode of Star Trek. I remember once dad tried to take her to a romance thing, something for Valentine’s Day, I don’t think she lasted ten minutes.”

Connor wasn’t really sure what to say as Nathan rambled about his mum, his speech only interrupted by his sniffles and muffled coughs.

“She was never much of a reader, she always said she never had the time but she loved films. Every week they’d be another dvd she’d brought, probably from the local charity shop as she never could resist a good cause. We’d watch them together, curled up on the sofa with a fluffy blanket around us, getting lost in a fictional world.”

Connor remembered once visiting Mrs Fletcher in the hospital with Nathan, he’d never bring her flowers, just a dvd and together they’d watch it. Connor sat on an uncomfortable plastic chair, with Nathan on his lap with his mum’s hand held tightly in his. The film had gotten to the part where Marty meets his mum in 1955, the part where Nathan always used to laugh at Marty falling out the tree, this time he doesn’t even raise a smile. Connor noticed Nathan shivering, the ibuprofen seemingly having little effect on his fever, he didn’t want to risk making things awkward by putting his hand to Nathan’s forehead again, so instead got a blanket from the back of the sofa and placed it around the shivering man’s shoulders. Nathan mumbled a thanks and curled up even smaller, like he trying to disappear altogether.

The long day at the office had taken more of a toll than Connor thought, he didn’t remember closing his eyes but soon he was opening them again. He felt groggy and stiff having fallen asleep on the sofa, at first he thought it was the stiffness that had woken him but then there was a noise, a soft whimper. He rubbed away the grogginess from his eyes and looked around, for a moment he didn’t realise anything was amiss. He looked over and saw Nathan curled up tightly at the end of the sofa, shaking with chills so violent his teeth were chattering. There was a second were Connor forgot that time had passed and he thought he was back with Nathan, in their apartment as a couple but it didn’t last long. Nathan whimpered again and Connor was brought back to reality, the man next to him was really sick and he needed to do something.

“Nathan, Nathan wake up.”

Connor shook his shoulder but his eyes stayed closed.

“Come on, wake up, Nate please,” he begged.

As the panic rose in his voice Nathan’s eyes began to flicker until he was looking up at Connor, his usual cool blue eyes glassy and red, tears threatening to slip.

“Hey…” he managed to croak before being struck by a painful sounding coughing fit.

Connor winced at the sound as he helped Nathan sit up, rubbing his back until he was able to breathe. Connor could still hear a drag on his lungs, he was going to end up with a chest infection if he wasn’t careful. Nathan sniffed and wiped his eyes, he was still shaking and Connor had to resist putting his hand on his cheek to test his temperature.

“I’m sorry I had to wake you, I think your fevers got up. Do you have a thermometer?” Connor asked.

“In the bathroom…” Nathan replied, even his voice was shaking.

Connor nodded and got up, stretching his stiff limbs. He checked the time on his phone on his way through, it was nearly 2am. He thought about going home but a bigger part of him knew he couldn’t leave Nathan in that state, he was too ill and emotional, and there was no one else.

When he’d found the thermometer he went back to Nathan, he entered the living room to see him with his head in hands. He was shaking again but Connor doubted it was the fever, he appeared to be crying again.

“Nate?”

“Huh? Oh sorry,” he sniffed and wiped his face.

Connor didn’t ask if he was okay, the question seemed stupid and unnecessary. Even when they were together Nathan hadn’t slept well, apparently insomnia ran in his family.

“I found the thermometer, can I?...”

Nathan held up his hand but before Connor could ask what was wrong Nathan buried his face in his elbow.

“Hiissshhhhoooo, hii.iii...iisssshhhoooo, hiiissccchhhhooooo.”

“Bless you.”

Connor couldn’t ignore the feeling of sympathy in his chest, if this had happened only a few months ago then things would be different. Connor would be able to comfort him, to hold him, to make it all okay but instead he was stood on the outside at a loss. He tried to remember the reasons he broke them up, the reason he walked out but he couldn’t think with Nathan looking so miserable.

“Can I take your temperature now?”

Nathan nodded and took the device, putting it under his tongue and waiting. Connor was left with little else to do but stand and wait, trying not to stare too hard at the one he used to love. His messy brown hair, the colour of burnt caramel that always smelt of apples; blue eyes red rimmed at glassy making them look ever more like ice. He tried not to think about the curve of his lips when he smiled or dimples on his back, the birthmark the shape of magic lamp on his shoulder and the tiny scar on his hip.

“102.3,” Nathan read aloud.

Connor hadn’t even noticed the bleeping, his mind too full of images from another time.

“That’s bad… I think we should probably get you to bed.”

Nathan didn’t argue and let Connor help him up, Connor taking most of his weight on the walk to the bedroom.

“You’ll be more comfortable in clean clothes,” Connor said, opening the top drawer of Nathan’s dresser.

He didn’t even have to think where to look, he’d cleaned up after Nathan many a time and putting his clothes away had just been part of the routine. Nathan didn’t say anything as Connor left him to change, a pair of warm pyjamas on his lap. Connor returned a few minutes later with a fresh glass of water and a packet of cold and flu tablets. Nathan was curled up under his duvet, he had finally stopped shivering but looked no less pitiful.

“It’s not much but it should help, even if it’s only to knock you out,” Connor said.

“Thanks,” Nathan mumbled.

He down the pills with a few mouthfuls of water and placed the glass at his bedside with shaky hands.

“Well if you’re okay I better be…”

Connor trialed off, not sure what to say. He wanted to stay, even if it was just make sure Nathan was okay but he didn’t want to outstay his welcome. He’d gotten to the bedroom door when a quiet voice made him stop.

“Stay… Please.”

“You really want me to stay?”

Nathan nodded and coughed into his fist. Connor went over to him, sitting on the edge of their his bed.

“Come here,” Nathan croaked after he latest coughing spell had ended.

Connor shuffled onto the bed,

Nathan curled up side him, his head ending on in Connor’s lap.

“I don’t want to dream of her, not again,” Nathan said, his voice muffled as his face was pressed to Connor’s leg.

“Shh, you’re going to be okay, just close your eyes,” Connor reassured him.

Nathan was too tired to fight it and his eyelids closed within seconds.

“You’re going to be okay,” Connor continued, his fingers finding their way to Nathan’s hair.

It didn’t take long for Nathan to start drifting off again and Connor to be left alone with the war inside his mind. He shouldn’t be doing this, he knew that. This was his ex boyfriend asleep in his lap, too sick to really understand what was going on. He’d just needed comfort and Connor’s name happened to be at the top of the list, he didn’t really want him back and Connor couldn’t start believing that he did. After all he was the one who walked out, his bags packed hoping to never see Nathan again. He couldn’t fall in love with him again, he just couldn’t. His instincts told him to run, to get away as fast as he could before it happened again. It broke his heart once, he didn’t want to put it on the line for a second time, he wasn’t sure he could go through it again.

With his heart pounding in his chest Connor tried to move Nathan, carefully place him on his pillows and slip away. Maybe Nathan would wake up and think it had all been a fevered dream, he’d never have to remember and for Connor it would just become another memory he couldn’t face. He managed to get out from under Nathan’s sleeping form, laying him gently on the cool pillows, tucking the duvet around his shoulders to keep his shivers away. Tears were building up as he leant down and pressed a small kiss to Nathan’s temple.

“I’m sorry,” Connor whispered.

It wasn’t that he wanted to leave, he could have happily stayed by Nathan’s side forever but it hadn’t worked before, so why should it work now? He was barely together as it was. Connor went out to the living room, picking up his things and trying to make it look like he’d never been there at all. He even went as far to wipe the texts from both their phones, luckily Nathan had never changed his passcode, his mum’s birthday. When he was done he stood in the doorway, the door half open looking back toward the hallway down which Nathan was sleeping. How he wished he could stay, climb beneath the sheets and close his eyes, he was so tired. He turned away, one hand still on the door, it wasn’t like the last time he’d left when Nathan had been stood there, watching him leave. No, this was easier, to just slip into the night. He was so nearly out the door.

“You’re leaving again.”

Connor sighed and turned back to face Nathan, he was stood at the edge of the room, blanket around his shoulders and looking more pathetic than ever.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t say goodbye.”

“I’m sorry, I thought this would be better.”

“You always do,” Nathan huffed, running a hand under his nose.

“I am sorry, I am.”

“How can I believe that? You keep saying you’re sorry and I….”

Nathan doesn’t finish as he dissolves into a fit of coughs and Connor is reminded how very sick he is.

“Sit down before you pass out.”

Connor took Nathan by the shoulders, walking him over to the sofa and gently pushing him down. It took a few scary moments but he finally stopped coughing, Connor had started thinking about calling 999 before he was able to breathe again.

“Are you okay? Do you need anything?” Connor asked.

“I’m fine,” he mumbled.

“Yeah and I’m Prince Harry,” Connor replied.

Nathan just sighed and rubbed his eyes, Connor wondered if the tears were from coughing or something else…

“I’m….”

“If you say sorry I swear to God I’m going to cough on you,” Nathan said, any bite to his words were lost to his sore throat.

“Then what do you want from me? I can only say it so many times.”

He was quiet for awhile, the only sound coming from the wheeze of his breathing and sniffling.

“I want to know why… Why you left.”

His words were so quiet that Connor had to strain his ears to hear.

“Is that why you called me in the first place? That’s all you wanted?” Connor demanded, he couldn’t help the anger that escaped. Five months it had been since they’d broken up, he was trying to move on all Nathan has to do is pick up the phone and he comes running back.

“No!” Nathan tried to yell but it made him cough. “No, I asked you because I didn’t have anyone else. You’re one of the few people mum knew near the end and I know how much she liked you, I did it for her and yeah maybe I broke, maybe I thought I needed you but you obviously never needed me…”

Nathan’s voice cracked, tears on his pale cheeks and snot above his lip.

“That’s not true, of course I needed you. I don’t know how I’ve got out of the bed these past few months without you.”

“Then why did you leave?”

Nathan’s voice was so small, he was like a small child asking for his mum.

“Because I didn’t think you loved me anymore, I wanted to leave before I had to hear you say those words.”

As Connor spoke he realised how wrong those words were, if Nathan really had stopped loving him he wouldn’t be there now. This was not the reaction of someone who’d broken up with a bad boyfriend, no it was of one who’d lost a loved one, maybe more than one. Connor felt his heart break, the one he’d been trying so hard to keep together.

“No, no, no, I never ever… How could you think that?”

Nathan’s voice was still tiny, just a whisper. Connor could barely look at him, all big eyes and messy hair.

“Because you withdrew from me, I could barely get a word out of you, you didn’t want to be around me, like every time I’d enter a room you’d leave. I tried to be better, I tried to talk to you but you just shut me out. I didn’t know what else to think.”

Nathan looked away, wiping his eyes with his too long sleeves. He shivered under his blanket and Connor wished they could have saved this for a day he wasn’t so unwell, a broken heart was bad enough without the fever.

“It was around the time mum got her final diagnosis, she’d had various health problems for years when her behaviour started to change it was when we knew something more serious was going on. They tested and they tested, and they found out she had Huntington’s disease, which is genetic.”

Connor felt his heart hit his stomach and acid in the back on his throat, no not his Nathan, no.

“Nate…”

“So they had to test me… I was terrified of what they’d find but I was more terrified of telling you, what if I had it too? I didn’t want you to live through what I had with mum but I didn’t want you to go, I couldn’t have gone through it all alone. That’s why I couldn’t be near you, I was scared I’d say something and you’d leave but you did anyway.”

There were tears on Connor’s face and his hands were shaking, he finally realised what he’d done. He’d tried so hard to protect himself, to stop himself from getting his heart broken that instead he’d broken the person he loved the most.

“Nate I… I’m… I… I’m so sorry…I…”

“Stop apologizing and come here,” Nathan said, holding out his arms.

Connor stepped closer to him, ready to wrap his arms around his lost love when Nathan pushed him away.

“Hasshhhhoooo, haaccchhhhoooo, hiisscccchooo, haacccchhhooooo, urgh.”

“Bless you, just to be clear you’re not dying are you?” Connor asked, trying to keep his voice light and not to give away the panic within.

“No, not unless you count the plague,” Nathan said, with the smallest hint of a smile.

Connor returned the gesture, relief spreading through him as he sank down next to Nathan, wrapping the sick boy tightly in his arms.

“You deserve so much better, better than me at the very least,” Connor said.

“That’s my choice and I choose you, always have, always will.”

Connor knew that Nathan could forgive too easily, it always been one of his faults but Connor himself knew he was too rash and didn’t think things through as much as he should. They weren’t perfect and neither was their relationship but it hadn’t mattered because they’d loved each other and it made it all okay. It would never be easy but nothing worth having ever is.

#sickfic #cough #sneezing #fever #illness #sneezefic #n&c

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