#n. 3

[oneindividualonly]

The past few months have been... Crazy. I finished Bachelor's but I also went through this hell of a break up and getting back together. And things are fine now. As if nothing ever happened but somehow I can't help but think that things were so tough I should tell about them to someone. As a story of me getting broken and put together by the same person. As a story of touching the rock bottom and getting back on my feet again. As a story about rebirth.

[aaftaaab]

Ignore me

Sure?

[oneindividualonly]

He says "We'll be together in the end, trust me. You are my future. We will get married one day and our children will be genius."

Don't trust him. Although you so want to believe this, you want this life he speaks about.. Please go on with your life as if you're left alone cause you actually are. All of this doesn't change the fact that you got cheated on and your ex fucks this online whore now. That this is what he wants or wanted and you get to just wait.

[oneindividualonly]

The thing is... I don't feel much these days. Not much at all. There's no stress from an exam. There's no anxiety. There's no joy. No fear. No excitement. No sorrow.... No pain whatsoever.

My ex tells me he's been on another date with someone new. I tell him "Goodnight" and go to sleep.

The new guy is trying to make me cum and I say "That's fine, I'm good." cause there's not enough arousal or thrill in the world to make me cum.

Does it hurt to feel like this? Didn't you listen, no it doesn't. There's no pain.

[oneindividualonly]

I pick up the phone to share all these exciting stories from London with you. We chat a bit, all laughing, everything's good as it used to when we weren't each other's exes yet...

"and what did you do today?" I ask, not knowing I might get into something I don't want to know

"I was at work and then I went on a date."

.... My heart stops. This is it, is this what I expected all along?

"With... Well.. With her?"

"Yes.. I figured now I can.. I can give it a try now." he says.

"I mean... Yeah. Was it good?" I ask not even thinking clear. I mean... This is actually happening. The girl I got cheated on is back and ofc she is... I expected it but perhaps not as soon, perhaps not like this, perhaps I thought I wouldn't know about it like this.

"uhm, yes it was." ouch. That hurts.. It hurts too much... I'm not ready for it his.

"I'm glad, that's good. Well you know.. Perthaps I should get back downstairs, it was nice to hear you. Bye."

[oneindividualonly]

I told you that if you want me back I want it all. Apology, flowers, effort. Let's not talk about how many times I had to remind you.. Let's talk about the fact that I got the apology and effort while flowers are... On the way? A bit too late now.

[oneindividualonly]

A friend of mine sends me a picture of her kid and her husband napping together... Such a cute picture, I text her back, but meanwhile I think... This could have been us in a few years you know?

Have you ever imagined us like this? With a daughter, with me cooking you dinners.

Have you imagined what our wedding would be like when we went to theirs?

Have you ever thought about what our kids would be like?

I have... And I would love to ask you these questions but I'm actually scared to hear I've been alone in this, too.