I broke
mentally last night i just sort of...snapped. I was angry, I was depressed, I was borderline suicidal with my thoughts. I was just really angry for some reason. I wound up talking to Orion, well.. sorta. but he told me that he's still planning on coming down here. we're not even together, but he's determined. And then there's B and I don't even have the foggiest idea of what the fuck we even are. He's told me he's still in love with me, he's told me he loves me. and I him. but... how can i love someone i have no future with? All our plans are out the window, there's just emptiness. J and I are trying to get our friendship back on track now that the stupid bitch he was with is finally gone. but I just don't really know what the hell to do.. with myself? I'm single again, and yay. but I'm just sort of at my breaking point. last night I was talking to O about it, but he didn't really help. He tried, but he didn't. B and J just didn't exist. Apparently B got really drunk, but whatever. I just don't bother J cuz half the time he'll be asleep so what's the point. I told Em, and she tried to help. but every time i tell someone about me breaking they always ask what triggered my bouts. I just break down. there was no set trigger. I have no set triggers. they just happen. I hate that when i tell mom about it, she just doesn't do anything about it. and she was the one my senior year telling me that if these episodes keep happening to talk to her and she'll take me to a clinic. but she hasn't and it's happened a lot in two/three years. and they've gotten worse. I don't even know what the hell is going on in my head.... i just hate feeling like total shit and useless and unwanted. I know i'm not cuz i have friends, and I have guys that want to be with me and all, but half the time I'm alone, and alone isn't a good thing for me.