Shits and Giggles

This is my place to run away and rant. Just a journal. Nothin special.

[megsjournalforstupidthings]

Everyone over here havin a baby but me and i’m just sad.

Idk why it keeps hittin hard like this.

[megsjournalforstupidthings]

So much for a happy anniversary.

[megsjournalforstupidthings]

Holy shit i’m 25.

[megsjournalforstupidthings]

Don’t fuck shit up.

Be smart.

Get it together.

I’m almost done.

Undergrad is almost done.

I want to cry.

[megsjournalforstupidthings]

Made some weird psycho analysis progress with my friend as she’s slowly realizing her issues bc she’s doing psych for her minor, and we made headway in our communication process and her emotional flaws and causes behind them. Its 2 am. Why is my life like this.

[narniaspants]

I really hate doing this but i seriously need help. I’ve been trying to scrounge up and save from studio, but life sucks dick and keeps stealing them so i really, really, really need help. The payment plans dates are coming up and i’m panicking. If i can’t pay them off then i get dropped and i’m going to get put even further behind on graduating. So i’m caving on my pride and asking for donations.

Paypal: megndancer Cashapp: $megndancer

And i have circlepay and other apps too, but those are my primaries.

[megsjournalforstupidthings]

Craving

I crave your touch

Your scent

Your entire body

Your soul

Your energy

You.

[megsjournalforstupidthings]

I want to die

Post no 4713621

Bc what else is new.

[megsjournalforstupidthings]

I wish i could turn back time in the past like

Two years.

Fix my mistakes.

Hear myself getting bad.

Recognizing my bad shit and when i snapped.

Preventing the snap.

Dealing with the consequences of hurting my best friends because when i lost it, chaos happend.

So.

Much.

Chaos.

My relationship is never going to be the same.

And i don’t know how we’re going to keep living like this.

I don’t know how he can deal with this.

I can’t help.

I’m trying.

I’ve not gotten that bad since then.

But

I miss my friends.

I miss the way things were before rampant jealousy became a problem and led me to do what i did.

I miss feeling normal.

BUT

I have new friends.

My life is somewhat back on a stable path.

And i have so many questions that i don’t know if i want the answers to.

Or if i want to live in denial that this can get better.

[megsjournalforstupidthings]

How funny

I talked to my cousin today.

She told me that there’s a strong chance she might have lupus.

I replied the only way our family knows how to deal with a shock.

Humor.

Not even run of the mill standard humor. But it turned into morbid jokes about how the only reason my mother and i haven’t offed ourselves is because we can’t afford another funeral. And how she’s not allowed to die anytime soon either because we probably couldn’t afford to help with funeral costs.

The upside is that they caught it early enough in her life, that they might be able to help her quickly recover and fight it.

But how funny is it that we laughed at the morbid humor and proceeded to move on.

i’ve wanted to die since i was 8. I don’t even remember chunks of my life. Not that i had a bad life as a child. But i remember having thoughts about running away a lot as i got into my teenage years and when i hit about 16 it switched into dying. But the entire concept... of just not being here. Not in my environments. Not on this plane of existence. The concept was always inviting. “Come find out”

How funny. I’ve been hearing that voice for awhile now. Do you think i need to be in a padded room?

. But i never did run away. Never actually attempted suicide. And only because of my mother. And our finances. And how every single thing would ruin her and i can’t put that on her. I can’t die with that on my conscious.

I know they say that when you hit that “breaking point” nothing else matters.

You’ll do it anyway.

But, i’ve been dissociative and manic for years and its gotten worse. I went on dissociation vacation for months and wanted to fight this new me that took over my life and tried to ruin my fucking perfect relationship. It took him finding out that i did stupid shit for me to snap out of it. And there’s chunks i don’t remember. I saw the conversations. I can vaguely hear the phone call memories. But, its muffled. Its blurred. Nothing makes sense. I hit my breaking point when i ruined him. Why he has stayed with my dumb ass i’ll never comprehend. The mania, the arguing with my best friends for days about the same shit all the fucking time. The migraines that i caused myself because of my blood pressure skyrocketing when i had elevated moods.... all this shit...i want to scream and puke and just purge this chaos out of me. I want to be normal again. Or at least what i thought was normal.

I want my long distance best friends back with running the risk that i’m gonna fuck everything up again. I want my trust with my fucking forever man and i know i’m not getting it back for years.

And i’m terrified to dissociate like that again....

I live in constant fear that i’m gonna slip into problem hoe again.

I fight it.

But fuck it is tiring fighting this other half of you that is trying to take over. If i let her win... who knows what will happen.

Maybe she’ll actually kill me.

How funny, that when my family deals with grief/shock, we crack really morbid jokes and talk about these thoughts with no repercussions. We laugh. I wonder, what will happen when i go too far into the deep end.

[megsjournalforstupidthings]

make this shit stop

[megsjournalforstupidthings]

Frustration and tears

I’m not your mother.

I’m your partner.

I’m not expecting 50/50

It ain’t gonna happen where we’re at in life

But if you willingly accept the task of being a part of my life where i’m having to rely on you,

Don’t make me feel like crap and completely useless.

I know my job choice isn’t great right now, but its stable and one of the few things i know that works with my school life.

I’m not your mother.

I’m your partner.

I’m tired of having to cook all the fucking time.

I’m tired of maintaining the pets.

I’m tired of having to remind you about shit.

I’m tired of not having energy to feed either of us.

But i have no choice.

Otherwise i get guilted by your tone of disappointment because I didn’t make dinner for you to wake up to.

As if i needed another thing to feel guilty about, right?

I’m your partner.

We live in our home together.

I need help getting out of bed.

I need help maintaining a focus when i start cleaning.

I need help cleaning up my own messes because yes, while you’re tired from working every night, I’m tired from worrying and stressing and my debilitating mental health and when my mess gets crazy i can’t fucking pick one place to start.

I’m your partner.

Not your mother.

Although maybe if you were more considerate and appreciative of her support and showed any emotion or form of gratitude,

Maybe she’d feel more love than i do.

I’m tired of you pointing out that “you work all the time to pay our bills”.

I’m tired of you negating my apologies when i mess up.

I’m tired of never fucking feeling good enough to try and keep up.

I offer help and get told to not worry about it.

If you tell me not to worry about it, then don’t constantly throw it in my face.

I’m your fucking partner.

While my life and mental stability are both shit, try to understand.

Ask me questions.

Be more compassionate.

Give a damn.

Communicate.

Don’t just sit on the couch and take zero interest in what i do or like watching or am listening to.

Don’t ignore me.

I’m your partner.

Not your mother.

[megsjournalforstupidthings]

Manic and pms

Hey there hi there ho there

I’m angry like 24/7 these days and its gets to where my blood feels like its boiling and the only way out of it is to off myself via balcony and i know its not an option but when i get that way i feel icky and want to dissociate to escape it but if i do that then bad things will happen one way or another and that’s not good.

[megsjournalforstupidthings]

I'm so depressed i just want to sleep and puke and its weird

[megsjournalforstupidthings]

Losing Chester has been almost as hard as losing my family members in the past five years. The newest album hurts. They all do. The newest one made my emotional hell of a week process a bit faster. The titles, the lyrics, the pain.. everything was just put into music for me to hear and feel and dive into. Everyone talks like suicide prevention and talking about your mental health is so easy. They say it affects any and all. But that still doesn't make me feel any less guilty about having days where offing myself are just thoughts in my head that swim like i'm in the deep end of a pool. It makes those days even harder to acknowledge to my boyfriend because he just makes me feel worse. I've been in a crying rut where i've been crying every day since grandad's death anniversary. Multiple times. Ugly sobbing and all. The only thing keeping me relatively calm is my boyfriend. I just hate that on the days those thoughts show up, i can't actually communicate them. What reason do i actually have to kill myself? What reason do i actually have to feel depressed?

[megsjournalforstupidthings]

Missing people that i used to call my best friends I know i'm not the greatest person to be around But they always put up with my shit and listened when i spiraled out. They dragged my stupid ass back to common sense. Yeah. I have my boyfriend. Yeah. I have my family. Yeah. I've got two best friends here. But none of them know me and how i used to be. None of them know me like they do. Part of that is just because shit keeps happening and molding me into a bigger bitch every year. Because of that, i lost them. And i'm not good at apologies. So i never got them back. So i'm alone. And the people that knew me best, And for the longest... Are gone. And i'm consistently reminded of that when i spiral down. My boyfriend is great, and so is my family. But Outside voices help too sometimes when i need an even bigger boost to get back on track.

[megsjournalforstupidthings]

Things could be better Mental health and anxiety aren't horrendous, but they are still present Physical health is a joke I've cried almost every day this week School is frustrating Boyfriend and i keep fighting over the same shit and we can't fix it And my period isn't helping anything My room is disgusting because i'm never home and awake long enough to clean and do laundry and do homework and eat and do everything i need to.