I feel like I need to tell someone how it happened because it sitting in my head is just making it more ever-present. Maybe if I let it out, it'll calm the fuck down. So, the first time I went through events, everything was as it is in canon (at least the movies' canon), up until the end of Prince Caspian. When I was told my older siblings wouldn't be coming back to Narnia, that me and Lucy would have to go without them eventually, I had a panic attack (I think; all the symptoms line up, and honestly, I was far more emotionally fucked up than the movies show, like, nothing in the first two is different in terms of how I behaved, they just don't show how much everything affected me). That's... When things got weird (weirder).
I don't know how magic worked in Narnia. Never have, probably never will. But I would guess at least some of it responds to emotion. Because next thing I knew, I was back in that snowy forest, just after having met Her. I hate her, so much. I was confused, I thought it was some kind of hallucination or dream I'd entered because it didn't make sense. But I figured even if it was only in my own mind, I had to do things less wrong. I'd already made the first of the series of mistakes I made, so I couldn't undo them all, but I had to try to make things right. I did my best. Things were less wrong than the first time around, and it helped a lot.
I had thought I'd snap out of it eventually. Maybe when we left Narnia the first time. But that didn't happen. Maybe on some random day in-between. That never happened. Maybe once we'd helped Caspian... But no. I thought it might have for a bit, but then I talked to Peter. He remembered things as they happened the second time around. He was the only one I told about the time thing, sorry Susan and Lucy, I just never knew how to tell you. I'm glad I got a second chance. All three of you deserved better from me than what happened the first time around.
