My friend John, whom I met last year in a homeless shelter, has been bugging me to go to a native ceremony with him for weeks, I would always blow him off because it took awhile to get to the ceremony grounds which was located in the forest. Well, yesterday I was feeling lonely because my lover is gone so I decided to go with him.
The Sweat Ceremony, it has a lot of symbolic meaning although it is easily described as an extremely hot sauna, where it is pitch black that you can't see your hand or the person next to you.
We came to the ceremony early where I seen a few familiar faces, said hello and got re-acquainted with them, it was nice to be around native people again, it feels like I was starting to lose my roots and just becoming another white-washed native.
I met a medicine woman there, she was sitting there in her soft elegance beside the fire, the flames dancing in her eyes, I took the empty seat beside her.
"You don't have a name," she said calmly with those soft eyes, the kind of eyes that could hypnotize you right out of your shell.
"You’re right, I don’t but how did you know?” I asked.
She ignored me, "Mine is Good Voice Woman, I’ve been able to speak to spirits since I was 18 and Melvin, my mentor, is telling me to give you one tonight. I will talk to Melvin more when we are in the sweat, remember to pray really hard.”
“Oh, I don’t think I’ve met Melvin, is he here?” I looked around at the people sitting around the fire, I thought I already met everybody here.
“Honey, he’s already in the spirit world.” She smiled softly.
When I was in a native treatment center a year and a half ago, I used to remember the songs, the dances, the significance on a certain ceremony but now it is all lost to me, I can barely remember anything. I felt bad for forgetting it all.
When it was time to get in, I sat beside the medicine woman, the door closed and only the glowing embers of the rocks was visible, I thought it wasn’t that bad then they started to throw the water on, the steam instantly burned my face and my lungs, I laid down on the ground where I could breathe in the cool air but it didn’t help too much. I thought I was going to faint because I didn’t eat all day and I didn’t drink much fluids before I got in. The singing died down and that was the end of the first round.
I stumbled out and felt dizzy, I grabbed my water bottle and guzzled it down,
“My God John, I didn’t think it would get that hot!” I laid down on the ground, letting the earth swallow me up in its coolness. He laid down beside me,
“It can get pretty intense; Wanna stay out the next round with me? This is only a break but I don’t think I can go back in until the 3rd round.”
“Ok, I don’t think I can go in either.”
So after we started to get cold we sat around the fire, laughing quietly while everybody else piled back into the lodge, I looked up at the night sky.
“Thanks for bringing me, I think this was exactly what I needed,” I smiled at him.
“Well, um, It took weeks of trying to drag you here!” He playfully pokes me.
“Whatever! At least I came tonight,” I stick my tongue out at him.
He grows sullen and we become quiet, trapped in our own universe for a moment, I could tell that he is thinking about what to say next.
He doesn't look at me, he continues to stare at the fire, "I've liked you for a long time Larysa, I was always jealous when you dated others like Akow but the odd thing is, now that you are dating Josh, I am not jealous, I just think that he better be treating you right because you deserve it."
I smile this sad smile, "I know you've liked me for awhile, but when you asked me out last year I was in a dark head space, suicidal and crazy. I would like to think that i've changed now. You know that I deeply care and love you right?" I want to reach out and touch him but I think that it would add insult to injury.
He brightens up and smiles, returning to his happy demeniur, "I'm glad that you do, old sis."
I playfully punch him in the arm, "You're a weirdo little bro."
We continue on with the sweat and I am laying down in the lodge, praying (something I never do because I am a strict atheist but I felt like I should, just out of respect) that I will be ok someday, hoping that I will be ok someday, that simple wish of wanting to be normal is actually something that is hard to obtain.
I feel a tap on my shoulder, hot air pierces my ear,
“You are now, ThunderBird Woman.”
And she disappears back into the darkness.
I feel proud for being native in that moment. When the ceremony was done she pulled me aside,
“Now that you have a name, there are a few things that you must do. You are not to drink or do drugs and when you do, be careful.”
My heart sinks and I feel anxious, I still like doing those things, alot.
“You have to learn how to respect your body and your name, perhaps this is why you needed the name, to set you back on the red road. I have to go now but next full moon, you have to set aside a food offering and pray over it, thank the spirits for giving you a name,” She hugs me, “I’ll be seeing you around honey.”
She leaves me in the dark with my hand over my heart, thinking and thinking until John tells me that it is time to leave. We walk back onto the dark road and I feel like I should change my life for the better.
