#nc3rdeye

[nc3rdeye]

The more I scratch, and claw, and fight for the majority of your Love; the more I realize the majority of my Love isn't enough for you to give the majority of your Love to Me

[nc3rdeye]

1st new pair of glasses in over a decade and my eyes have been buggin out all day!

[nc3rdeye]

I've been without romantic love so long; that due to a recent few experiences, it's super hard for me to be around those that are visibly in love, and not depressingly envy

[nc3rdeye]

I've made mistakes with You Love, Not better than the secret Plan above, It's due to this age-gap You see?, Just what would "They" really think of Me!? The first time you Confessed to Me, That "I love you so very deeply", Thought was this really meant for Me?, My best interest You have for Me! And I said Yes I feel it too, The flames when we're together Boo, All the past hurt, and all regret, You're the reason it's gone, that I forget Since then though 6 years had passed, You called me up and, you needed help, A place to stay, and a place needed fast I thought this Be The Day, correct my Past Another man had found his way to You, Couple months ago and so full o' youth, Didn't think it was all really true, Your heart for Him, could be same too Don't fuckin do this, I can see It, But again, I just misread shit, Such what I, was just looking for, Is standing right here, in this Life's Door! A myth just for me to See, To ache for what is happening, Lost grip of Opportunity, To confess Love exponentially I live with fucking All of IT, That I destroyed all That great shit, It's only that I really thought, 2 heartbeats will never rot With a stare, and a little glance, Just then again, as You did pass, Twas a shame that it came to this, Fuckin aches, and I Love you Miss! How I wish I could just Be, Every single last thing to Thee!, Every promise n Every chance, All mistakes, No 2nd Chance! Baby please I hurt without You, Understanding, It all hurts You too, But there was no other way to say It, Possibility You; was just Euphoric!!! Not even a whole day later, Realizations of no more favors, Despite all our past transparency, It just wasn't all enough for Thee?! Ego hurtin, n what the Fuck? Super-hurt and it Uber-Sucks!, Read signs wrong, and the words too, A convo for Me, and One for You We hoped Other did hear, Sincere words in Their ear, Life tis still so untamed, Misunderstood it all the same I held onto the Fact that, True Love can't die in fact, It may rumble and really fuckin crack, Maybe sometime, it just might Call Back

[nc3rdeye]

2nd new pair of glasses; these aren't the old-people progressives like the first pair

[nc3rdeye]

Life is a challenging, beautiful, strange passage

I have gone through so many ebbs and flows that I've lost track of how many .....

I'm a solitary creature, a true Scorpio personality. I've loved and lost so much from family, to friends, to lovers.

I've been alone for so long and loneliness only felt awkward back in my early 20s.

Now approaching 49 in exactly twenty-eight days from this day; Sunday October 8th I often think retrospectively about all the little things I've experienced. I'm trying to move beyond the mistakes I made when I was younger, but some destructive personality traits remain ever present.

Mentally-speaking, I know the worth and value that I bring to those that encounter me but considering the state of society presently, my hope and ambition have fizzled away. Other than what I do at work, I'm literally a ghost. This has been by choice; feeling both emboldened and lonely at the same time.

I try not to bother others unless they infringe on my peace of mind. If I see that people are being obviously illogical, I will voice my opinion.

If I see people that mirror my like ideologies or vibes, I feel a pull to them but still don't bother with initiating communication.

Honestly, I don't feel like they want my attention nor my opinions; plus I just don't know whether I am a good enough person anymore to be a part of their lives.

So alone I remain, thinking to myself, trudging through each day, and living whatever this life is even though I feel like times are hopeless

[nc3rdeye]

Attempting to be the Phoenix.....

Over the course of the past 5 months, I have experienced the full spectrum of emotions; of Life. 

I had the unenviable experience of witnessing my father take his last breath in a hospital bed. This has effected and affected me in so many ways!! It’s quite clear that it has mind-fucked me since August 15th. My mother, naturally, is having the toughest time; her partner in crime (so to speak), her best friend, her defender, her lover, and her confidant is now gone. Back in 2006, we thought we lost him to a heart attack and stroke. He bested the experts by living 3x longer than they had predicted. They said he would never play golf again, never drive a car again, never fully understand and comprehend his surroundings again ...... all of which he proved them so very fucking wrong. 

I was not prepare”d for that experience then, and I eventually found a home in the bottom of bottles and 5-pointed leaves, more than what I was already doing at the time. In the past 16 years, we (as a family) repaired burnt bridges and became strong as fuck. 

I’m an only child. I’ve never married, never had children ...... I’ve felt guilty so many years that I had not provided my folks the luxury and pleasure of becoming grandparents. But in the past 16 years, we’ve discussed this amongst the 3 of us - them always comforting the guilt I felt by saying that isn’t what’s important; only your happiness is important to us. That quelled my guilt, though it’s always lain dormant in me. 

Now; my hindsight tells me to focus on his words, his love, his appreciation of me being his progeny. Now; I’m finding it so difficult to “be”. I’ve had to be the stoic figure for my mother ..... this is the most fragile I’ve ever experienced her. She naturally breaks down on the phone with me and I find myself having to get off of the phone immediately after attempting to comfort her. 

I have to stay strong-minded, not weak-willed; because, this is what he instilled in me from a young age. I don’t know why I am expressing this in a public forum other than viewing Tumblr as a scrapbook, a journal, a visual representation of what I have become due to the lessons and characteristics that they provided. 

I have expressed much of this to other family members, my friends (brothers and sisters from other mothers n fathers); but for some reason it feels like a release to let people i’ve never met know the emotions and scenarios I am experiencing. 

If you’ve read this far; thank you, I appreciate you.

My heart is broken; my mother is fully broken ....... and I am having such a difficult time attempting to repair us. I don’t give up; rather I just give in to trying to survive day to day. 

This birthday of mine on November 5th will be the worst I’ve every experienced; I just don’t fucking care about it other than feeling my fucking age. 

I just want this terrible fuck-all year of 2022 to end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIFE IS SIMPLY A MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!  

[nc3rdeye]

Time Told The Truth

I thought connection made

Reciprocated feelings fade

Put the heart on a platter

Just to be love's fodder

Discarded and Forgotten

Uselessly smitten

Conveyed feeling truth

Treated so uncouthe

All effort in vain

Modern love just stains

My heart is tired

My soul just mired

I give the fuck up

My efforts aren't enough

Silence stings

Another damn ding

Path had been clear

I feel ike a stear

Led to slaughter

Why do i bother

This, the final attempt

Consider my heart exempt

Void of what I desire

My life's quagmire

So i shall end this

My old self I miss

I retract back to seclusion

I "Crawl Back to My Coffin"