When it's finally time to say goodbye, even though it's hard.
pairing: Mark Lee x reader
genre: angst
wc: ~1.7k
warnings: implied loss?, lots of room for interpretation, emotional reader, saying goodbye
now playing: Never goodbye - NCT Dream
It’s been days. Days in which sleep wouldn’t come easily. Days in which tears fill your eyes every hour. Days in which it feels like the world has come to an end.
Here you are, having to cope with the loss of someone you would have given your everything to. Having to deal with daily life as if nothing had ever happened. And as if it didn’t rip your heart right out of your chest.
Not many of your friends knew him. After all, he was somewhat of a secret you kept. Someone you only wanted to introduce when the time felt right. But frankly, you came to realize that there never was a right time. You should have just done it. But now, it’s too late. And it’s useless to dwell on that fact.
It’s the fourth night you are lying in your bed, trying to close your eyes, in hopes of falling asleep. Images burn in your mind as the tears threaten to return. You are hugging your favorite stuffed animal, all in hopes of easing the pain. It’s not easy to let go. But inevitably, it’s something you have to do.
Eventually, exhaustion takes over. Your body starts to feel less heavy. Your mind lifts. And soon, you are back in the familiar dreamscape you’ve known as your secret place.
The connection is still there. You can feel it. When you open your eyes in the dreamy world of your imagination, you see the path of doors and windows, all filled with memories. Your feet carry you across the clouds that float below you. You watch on as memories spring to life like short movies filmed by your eyes.
You swallow, passing each of them with a heavy heart, fully aware that now is not the time to dive back into them. He wouldn’t want you to look at them with sad eyes. So you refuse to do it — for his sake.
Slowly, you reach what seems like an end to the path. Confusion mirrors on your face, since usually there was no end to this path. But then, when you are about to turn away, you hear it.
A loud, creaky noise fills the air. You watch as a new door opens. The glow of it sparks curiosity within the hole that swallowed your heart the day he left.
Hesitation stops your body. But then, you decide to go. After all, what’s there to worry about? Everything that mattered has left your world.
So you step through it. The mist inside caresses your skin gently as it guides you through the passage to this new realm your brain has created for you. For a second, you forget all your worries and the pain. Your eyes shut as you pass. When you hear birds chirping, feel the soft grass below your feet, and feel the gentle breeze brush your skin, you open them again.
It’s a nice spring scenery. And when you look at it more closely, you notice the familiarity. You’ve been here before. It’s that place. The one he showed you once. The one where he used to go when he needed time for himself — to clear his head.
With a sad sigh, you look around more as your feet guide you to the bench near the stream. You feel a rush of warmth flood your body as the love that radiates from the place consumes you. You are about to forget all that’s made you miserable over the past few days, when a shadow suddenly stands in the distance.
Squinting and moving closer, it finally clicks. Your breathing stops for a second as realization hits. You are about to burst with millions of emotions, when suddenly, calm hits you, like the calm before a storm.
“Mark?”
The figure turns around. The moment you see his face, you want to scream. You want to run to him and hug him. You want to yell at him and scold him for leaving you alone. There are so many things you want to do. But you just come to a still. Your mind too busy processing.
“Hey,” he says weakly, a smile gracing his face as he lifts one hand to wave at you.
“What are you…? Why are you…? Why?”
You stammer, barely getting any words out as you can’t comprehend the fact that he is here. It’s impossible for him to be here. Even through all the lucid dreams you’ve shared, he can’t be here.
“I had to see you one last time,” he says, voice stronger than before. “I couldn’t just leave you. Not like this.”
“But you did. You just left me behind. You didn’t even tell me.” Rage starts to rush through you as the tension in your limbs becomes unbearable. Your fists clench into balls as you step closer until you face him head-on.
Your fists lift. And slowly, they collide with his chest. Again and again. Your vision turns blurry as the words and accusations leave your mouth. All the unanswered questions, all the thoughts that lead you to resent his decision. They all spill from your mouth while your body let’s the anger lead.
Mark doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t move, either. He just let’s you. Because he understands why.
Eventually, the strength leaves your body. Your hits turn softer and softer until one of your hands stops mid-air, unable to collide another time. Slowly, and with heavy sobs and tears running down your face, you sink to your knees, too weak to keep standing.
You cry out all the pent up emotions you were unable to show the past days. Even when you had the time to cry at home, the tears wouldn’t always spill the way you needed them to. And now, with him showing up again, you can finally let go.
“I’m sorry. For not saying anything sooner,” he starts. His warm hand settling on your shoulder to comfort you. “I didn’t know how to tell you.”
Its not an excuse. You know that. He’s way too sincere to give you any of that bullshit. Still, it hurts. But you take what you can get.
“I need you, Mark. You can’t leave me behind,” you cry, unable to lift your head and look at him.
Noticing, he pulls you into his arms. He let’s your head rest on his shoulder as he hugs you, caressing your back with slow circles. “You don’t need me. You are strong.”
“No, I need you. You don’t understand. I need you even more, now that you are gone.”
He shakes his head, yet still smiles softly. “You don’t realize the power you have. You really don’t need me.”
Finally, with weak motions, you lift your head to look at him. He’s looking at you with the familiar warmth you know so well. And immediately, you can’t argue back. Because that’s what he does best. He reassures you in your own capabilities. He’s always your number one supporter. And the one who believes in you for everything.
“I will miss you so much. I already miss you,” you say, voice trembling as tears threaten to spill once again. “It won’t be the same anymore. Not without you.”
“I know. But I will always be there. Even if it’s not in the same way. I know it’s going to be hard to get used to it. And I know it won’t be easy and will take time. But the others are still there. And you won’t ever be alone,” he reassures, speaking in this gentle way he always does.
“Why couldn’t you just stay?” you ask, even though you know the answer.
“You know why. I had to chose myself this time. I need to explore different paths and see where they bring me. But I will be back. I promise you. Even if it’s not in the same way, I will return one day. And you will know when the time comes.” His hand comes to cup your cheeks as he says this. He needs you to look him in the eyes so he knows you understand.
“Don’t cry too much. I will miss your smile if you only see the bad things. Life may have parted us. But we’ve made so many memories. And even if I’m no longer part of this future, I will always be with you in one way or another.”
Emotions overcome you again. You know he’s only doing this with the best intent. After all these years of choosing others over him, he finally has to choose himself. And even as selfish as you want to be and make him stay, you also realize that loving someone means letting them go, too.
“Don’t you ever forget about me. Even if you don’t return. Even if we really won’t see each other ever again. Don’t forget about me,” you plead as acceptance starts to bloom inside you.
“I won’t. After all, you are also part of what shaped me into who I am. You will always have a special place in my heart.”
Hearing his words, you can finally utter a small smile. You hug him some more, feeling as the time is running out. And only with a heavy heart do you eventually let go of him.
“I have to go now. Please try and see the positives, too. It’s going to hurt some more. But eventually you will feel better and be able to look at the past with a smile. I know you can do it,” he says, and stands up, carefully holding your hands as you rise to your feet with him.
“Stay safe. And don’t forget to eat,” he adds, a smile on his face. “I will tell the others to scold you if you don’t.”
That makes you laugh. Genuinely laugh. The first laugh since he’s left and again it is because of him. You will miss him so dearly. And he knows this.
With a wave he starts to walk again. He’s still looking at you as he takes the steps backwards, taking in your smile as long as possible. Then his mouth opens a final time.
“Goodbye.”
“Goodbye,” you return, waving at him, and watch the way he turns around to walk into the bright mist that lead you to this realm.
When he’s no longer visible, you mumble one last thing. “I love you.” Then, more tears run down your cheek. This time, however, they are not just because of sadness, but also because of Gratitude. Gratitude for him being there for you for the past years, and for loving you so selflessly.
an: Yeah, so, Mark has left Nct. I didn't see it coming at all tbh. It still feels unreal to me. I had no idea where to go with my feelings, and honestly, since I still haven't fully grasped it (or accepted this new reality) I still feel fairly numb. But I wanted to contribute to all the ones who are very much very sad about it. Maybe this helps you a bit with coping. If not it's fine too. But like, idk. I just randomly came up with this literally an hour ago and just started writing. There is no big concept behind it. I don't know if I am implying death or him moving away or that he's just leaving for whatever reason. But he's leaving and that's just how it is.
I still wish him the best. After all he can finally rest, do what he desires and live out his freedom as an artist. I hope he does return with whatever projects because I feel like he will always be part of Nct in some way, even if he's no longer an official member of them. I also want to thank him for the past 10 years. I am glad he did what he did for us for this decade and I am happy he brought us so much joy. I will forever be thankful that he held out for 10 years in that hell of a company under all that stress and such. And so I hope that we eventually can all move on and see the positives. After all, we all love him and I am sure the majority of us all will support him in the future too.
Anyway, I hope we are all eventually getting over the sad feelings. I know it sucks at the moment and I know it will suck for a while still, but eventually we will heal with this and be happy when we se him again. The other boys will do their best as Nct and I hope they are doing well, too. After all it affects them just as much. So yeah. Let's all hold out together and stay strong. We can do it. Fighting! 💪
many illichilzens are upset with how things turned out for them, how they didn't get to see all of them together once before mark left, but can we see it this way? from mid 2018 to mid 2020 mark wasn't with dream and they missed him so damn much. any content you watch of dream during that time they'll always find a way to bring mark up, he's so precious to them so the last comebacks he's had with dream from late 2024 to early 2026 really make up for that time they couldn't be together. yes he's always been with illichil so it's weird to think about 127 without mark. they all love him so much but i think dream deserved the time they got to spend with him and this being the only time he's only focused on one unit at a time.
He’s given us 10 years of his life. He’s done his time. Just let him be omg.
Did y’all even read the letter? He just wants to live his life and experience new things.
He’s grown up and I believe we all need to respect that. Since 2016 he’s been on top of his shit doing what he needs to do and never ONCE complaining.
The guy is not dead y’all he is just moving on with his life.
He expressed his thanks and gave a thorough (I think it was) explanation as to why he wants to move on. If you really love and appreciate him just support him and let him go.
