more than
Pairing: Mark + reader, Bestfriend! Mark, Childhood friend!Mark
Genre: Fluff, angst, honestly a little bit of crack LOL
Song recs: Best friend + Untitled + Waiting Room (Rex Orange County), Sofia (Clario)
Warnings: Mild swearing and mentions of alcohol
Word Count: 7.0k (my longest fic yet, wow!)
Summary: You’ve known Mark for all your life, and it only takes one drunken night (plus a little intervention with Haehcan) to think that you wouldn’t mind getting to know him a little better...
Notes: The fact that I actually had the patience to sit down and to write something above 3k words,,,,absolutely astounding, amazing, unique, never been seen before…. Mark is a little awk and always works so hard (poor bby), so imagining him as a super stressed pre-med major and oblivious best friend absolutely wrecks me thank you goodbye
----
When you first meet Mark, you’re eight years old, and it’s at church. He’s dressed in his Sunday best: a light blue button up, khakis, and shiny dress shoes. He looks stiff as your mother introduces you two, with his shirt buttoned all the way to the collar.
It’s not that you dislike him, but you think he might dislike you, with the way he avoids eye contact, eyes tracing the floor, your shoes—anywhere but your face.
You see panic flash through his eyes when his mom gently pushes him towards you, telling him to take you inside and reserve a spot in the pews while she catches up with your mom.
He shuffles awkwardly, and wordlessly, you follow him into the building.
The pews are almost empty, with the bulk of them being filled in the front by the old people that usually have nothing better to do on their Sunday mornings. Although your local church is on the smaller side, it feels unusually large with rows of empty pews, almost eerie. You shudder at shadows the walls make with the stained glass, and hurry to your usual spot towards the middle.
If Mark notices your apprehension, he doesn’t say anything. He’s oblivious, actually, not noticing your absence until he’s almost at the end of the rows. When you see him stop and search for you frantically, you stifle a laugh.
He eventually finds you, and after shuffling awkwardly between the pews, makes his way to you.
“This is kinda far, isn’t it?” he murmurs.
“Huh?”
“I mean,” he stammers. “I usually sit closer to the front. ”
You peer at him from the side. “You actually want to pay attention?”
He scratches the back of his head. “Well yeah, isn’t that the point?”
“I guess,” you say, looking at the ceiling. With the sprawling arches and patterns, the designs are pretty, you think.
“You should at least try, it’s kinda interesting,” when you turn your head to look at him he turns away. “Only if you want to, of course.” he adds, fidgeting with his hands.
When you tell him that maybe you will, you see him crack a small smile.
It becomes a routine, almost every Sunday, with you and Mark sitting next to each other. Whether it’s closer to the front or the back, it’s a whole debate. You usually give in, because when you walk in, Mark is already waiting for you in the front.
….
“Do you still go to Church?”
You’re laying on a green bean bag in Mark’s dorm room, procrastinating on the midterm paper you were supposed to get started on, well, a week ago.
You think for a second, hand raised to rub your chin, just to tease him. “What’s church?”
“C'mon dude, are you serious?”
“Barely,” you say, standing up to move to sit on his bed. “You should really get a new bean bag, it’s kinda deflated.”
Mark ignoring you, reaches over from his desk to fluff up the bean bag. “It’s because you sit on it so much.”
“Are you calling me fat?” and before he can defend himself you finally answer him, “I stopped going in like, middle school. It would be hard even if I wanted to, to find a whole new congregation, and I’m just busy. Also, it’s so boring, I could cry.”
Mark perks up. “Not if you go with me.”
You groan dramatically, and Mark chuckles.
“Good to know that you haven’t changed since you were eight.”
It’s just your view on church, that hasn’t changed since you were eight. First thing things first, you were 19 now, going on twenty. You’re in University now, your second year. It’s been a blur assignments, partying, coffee and term papers- you don’t have time to think about anything else right now. Except maybe actually starting your paper but-
Mark interrupts you midthought, breaking the silence. “Are you still with that guy?”
“Huh? Who? Yuta?”
“Yeah,” Mark responds sheepishly, avoiding eye contact.
You roll your eyes. “No, we haven’t been together for a while. It wasn’t that important so I forgot to tell you.”
You can tell he's surprised about how unusually calm you are for talking about your first serious breakup, but he doesn’t say anything, instead just scratching the back of his head awkwardly in typical Mark fashion. “He was an asshole anyway,” Mark murmurs.
“What did you say?” you ask, acting shocked. “Mark Lee? Talking shit?”
Mark, embarrassed, refuses to repeat it.
“I’m just saying, he wasn’t the right person for you.” he protests.
“As opposed to who? God himself?”
“I can think of a few,” he sighs, but you aren’t paying attention, instead laughing your ass off on his bed.
“You’re insufferable,” he says, standing up to open the door. “C’mon let’s go, I’m hungry. I know you’re not starting that paper anytime soon.”
…
It’s a routine, seeing Mark on Monday afternoons for lunch. Not Friday, because you were busy getting wasted, and consequently not Saturday, because you were too hungover. Not Sunday, because Mark had church, and you, well, were busy praying to God that you would be able to finish all the work you’d neglected over the weekend as a result.
“I still don’t understand why you choose the worst day of the week for this,” you say over your Kale caesar salad, pushing the leaves around aggressively. The University had a lot of healthy options, which you were grateful for. Grateful for you were not, were for the student loans you had to pay off every month, the exorbitant amount you partially owed to all the local and expensive organic produce the meal plan featured for the sake of being sustainable and health conscious.You could really give a rat’s ass about whether your salad was organic or not; if your weekends said anything about you, no amount of kale could help you (or your liver).
“It wasn’t really up to me,” Mark points out. “Maybe if you weren’t too busy being-”
“Ta ta ta,” you tsk, waving a finger around. “I, unlike you, actually have a social life.”
Mark frowns. “I have a social life.”
Mark definitely had a social life. He was popular, even. As popular as you can be, being a preoccupied Pre-med with perfect grades. Mark is likeable. It’s not like he doesn’t have the opportunity to go on weekends if wanted to, he just chooses not to, deciding to slave away at biological functions, orbitals, and lab results instead. Even now, as he takes his glasses off to clean them, you notice the imprint they leave on his face from how long they’ve been sitting on his face, and doesn’t take you long to find the dark circles that grace the skin under his eyes: he’s exhausted.
You frown too. “You should really get out more Mark. You seem stressed.”
Mark gives you a small smile after putting his glasses back on, and then resumes typing on his laptop. “I don’t know how going out would make me less stressed,” he says, distracted. “I would only be more stressed, knowing the work I have to do.”
“Yeah, but you're pretty organized.” You point your fork at him accusingly, kale falling to the side. “Don’t you usually finish things early too?”
“Yeah, I do.” he admits, and before you can press onwards you’re interrupted by a girl you recognize to be his lab partner.
Goggles in hand, you can see the marks they leave around her eye area, but she’s somehow still annoyingly beautiful, with her glossy straight hair and long eyelashes, but that’s not why you dislike her. She might be the most stuck up girl you’ve ever met.
“Did you do the calculations yet?” she says, turning to Mark. ignoring you. It’s only when you cough in your seat that she turns to you. “And hello, (y/n).” An afterthought.
“Hello Yebin,” You give her a wry smile. “How's the lab?”
“The usual.” she glances at Mark, who seems to be doing some finishing touches on said calculations. “How’s Chem 2?”
Boy, does she really grind your gears.
“It was fine, I actually placed out because I took it in high school.” Not to mention, it was a class for freshmen, and you were in fact, now a sophomore.
Before she can say anything back, Mark claps his hands in celebration. “Done! Sorry it took me so long, I just had to double check some things.”
“It’s no problem,” and with the way her voice drips with a sickly sweetness, you want to gag. It’s so painfully obvious. “Are you still down for tomorrow?”
Poor Mark, always oblivious, stops typing on his laptop and looks up in confusion. “Huh?”
You silently laugh at the expression Yebin makes when she realizes Mark has no idea what she’s talking about. “For our study session? The MCAT is just months away.”she reminds him.
Mark remembers. “Oh yeah, about that, I was thinking we could also invite-”
“Great!” she chirps, “See you tomorrow!” and with a flash of her white lab coat, she's gone.
Mark scratches the back of his head. “I guess she had somewhere to be.”
You roll your eyes for what it seems like the 100th time this week, anymore and they might be permanently stuck to the back of your head. “She definitely likes you.”
“Who? Yebin? No way.”
“Yes, Yebin, and yes way.” You fling a walnut from your salad over to his side, and he cringes.
“What is your problem?” he grumbles, and resumes typing on his laptop.
You drop the subject, because you know any talk on girls is completely lost on him. As you set aside your salad, you peer over at Mark, palm supporting your face. He’s focused, eyebrows slightly furrowed, with his lips mouthing over silently whatever science journal he was reading on his computer screen.
Mark has always been good looking, you think. You don’t know why you’ve never really noticed it before. His nose bridge gently slopes over his face, and his jawline is sharp, having lost his baby cheeks years ago. He works out often too, although he barely talks about it (maybe out of fear you’d tease him for being a gym bro). And with the way he’s so adorably awkward, It’s no surprise really, that every girl friend that you’ve met of his seems to be completely smitten.
Shaking your head, you snap out of it. It’s dangerous to think of Mark that way, you think. You’ve known him too long.
“My problem? I think you’re the one with the problem here. I’m surprised your hair isn't completely gray by now.”
Mark ignores you, probably mad at the fact you tried to start world food war three with him with a walnut.
“Hey.” you flick at his forehead to get his attention, and he flinches.
“There’s a party this weekend at Johnny’s fraternity, you should come.” Johnny, being both your long time mutual friend (who’s demeanor is way too nice to fit the stereotypical frat boy image, really) who has since stopped asking Mark out of respect for his “med school grind”.
“I’m already planning on it,” he responds, and you’re surprised.
“Since when do you actually accept party invitations?”
“Since yesterday, because I’m tired of Haechan bothering me about it.”
You silently cheer, of course, you expect nothing else from Haechan.
…
“I never knew it was so hard to get booze.”
“It’s not hard if you’re 21.”
Scoffing, you turn your head to face the boy across from you. As if he can feel the burn of your gaze on his forehead, Haechan stops typing on his Macbook and lifts his eyes to meet yours.
“No shit Sherlock, but last time I checked, we both weren’t 21.”
The sun had set a half an hour ago, and despite having spent the whole afternoon together, you and Haechan have had yet to come up with a way to secure the drinks you promised your friends for tonight’s pregame. With both of you being certified schemers representing your respective friends, you guess it wasn’t that big of surprise that the responsibility was left on both your shoulders. It beat scavenging alone, and spending time with Haechan wasn’t so bad either, when you two weren’t trying to kill each other.
It was already late, and Haechan had deemed Ubering to the nearest packer store that sold Soju (the sweet sweet liquid of choice) was too much work. You on the other hand, had dismissed that option for a completely different reason. The issue in question was the flimsy, borderline pathetic excuse for a fake ID Haechan planned to use at the packer store.
“Hey it works!” he protested. “You just act like you’re already legal and they don’t even card you. Easy.”
You roll your eyes as Haechan theatrically reenacts his last trip to the packer store.
“I asked him how he was doing, and he told me school sucks. I say to him, ‘Tell me about it, thank god this is my last year!” and as if to emphasize his next point, he flicks his wrist in the air, ID snuggled between his index and middle finger. “And I was on my way. No issue at all.”
“That’s because he didn’t even see your fake I.D stupid. He would’ve called you out on your bullshit in an instant.”
Out of all the different options available, you could not fathom why he chose his fake ID to show that from all the places in this world, he was from freaking Hong Kong. There were fifty states to choose from, other English speaking countries, and he chose to pose as an international student on a student visa. He could most definitely look the part, but after looking at the ID he proudly slaps on the common room lounge desk, you deadpan. The yellowish tint to the card was way too suspicious to be taken seriously.
“I wish we could just ask Mark,” you sigh, and Haechan looks at you like you’re stupid.
“He’s 20, ya dimwit.”
“I know, that’s why I said I wish. You have serious hearing problems.”
Haechan stops typing on his laptop to shoot you an especially heated glare, and you’re reminded again why he’s #2 on your fight list, right above Yebin. First place was taken by the girl you almost actually fought at that one University party a town over, wherever she is you hope she’s having a terrible day.
“If it were not for the rules of this land, you’d be dead right now Haechan.”
Haechan places his head in his palms, and flutters his eyelashes disgustingly.
“But you love me.”
“Yes, as much as Mark loves social events. Speaking of Mark, how on earth did you get him to leave his cave?”
“It didn’t take much,” and before you can call him out for lying, he shushes you.
“Okay, maybe a few days of nonstop begging.” Haechan says as his eyes dart across the laptop screen. You raise your eyebrow. “And I might have threatened to release pictures from the photoshoot his mom made him take when he was younger.”
“I expected nothing less from your evil, evil, mind.”
He scoffs. “Hardly. Just resourceful.”
Resourceful he is, because Haechan is the one who ends up finding a plug for the alcohol that night.
…
A can of four loko, a bottle of soju, and a few shots later, you should be hammered, wasted even. But after 14 months, 2 weeks, and 5 days into college, your tolerance is pretty high, so you’re really just plain drunk. Even so, you’re a little messy (no surprise). You’re not in a state to be trusted with any errands, so you don’t understand why Haechan asks you to pick up Mark along the way to Johnny’s fraternity.
“Why do I have to do it?” you whine, putting your hand over your forehead, and Haechan only laughs at your dramatic display of despair.
“Because Johnny messaged me that Mark isn’t there, and there’s no way in hell I’m letting him flake on me this time. ”
You point a finger at him, and he stifles a snort when you’re off by a couple inches. “Letting him flake on me, me, me as in you! It’s not my problem.”
But there’s no use in arguing with Haechan, and you know it. That’s why you find yourself stomping your way up the second floor of Mark’s dormitory like you’re in elementary school again, having just been scolded by your mom and being forced back into your room.
You knock at his door impatiently, and it feels like forever until you hear some shuffling, and see the door knob twist open. To be honest, it’s probably just a few seconds, but time is different when you’re intoxicated.
Before you even see him, it smells faintly of shampoo and detergent, so you’re not surprised when he opens the door and you see his hair is still half wet from the shower. He’s definitely party ready, and when you mean party ready, he’s wearing the same loose black tee and grey joggers he wears to sleep. His socks don’t match and you try not to laugh, because it would be a bad look for you, to show up intoxicated, and apparently crazy.
“Oh (y/n), what are you doing here? Oh shit is today Friday? I totally forgot, Haechan is going to kill me-'' He looks at you and then pauses, scrunching up his nose. “Have you been drinking?”
“No.” you say sarcastically, but it definitely falls short of Mark because he looks at you like he does not believe you. Good, because he shouldn’t.
He sighs, and ushers you in his room. It’s dark, with the only light emitting from the little steel lamp on his desk, which is covered with his notes, pencils, a textbook, and some highlighters. When you finally make your way to his bed (with difficulty) he sighs again, and you silently scold yourself for having that mini drinking contest with Haechan. If you thought you could handle your alcohol well, Haechan was an absolute monster.
You nearly screech when Mark flashes a mini flashlight in your face, and he tells you to calm down before someone thinks he’s committing murder. He holds your face still with his index finger resting on your cheek and his thumb lifting your chin. You try your best not to squint when he tells you to, instead focusing on his face. He’s so close, you can feel his warm breath on your face. If you weren’t already so flushed from drinking, you suspect you’d look beet red now.
“Well, your pupils still dilate normally, so I don’t think you have alcohol poisoning-”
The world is moving a little, so you plop backwards on his bed— albeit a little harder than expected because he rushes over to you and looks concerned.
“-but I don’t think that’s the problem here.” he finishes.
Your eyes are closed, mainly because his bed is really comfy. “I’m here to pick you up.” and as if to emphasize your point, you wildly start pointing in all directions, hoping it would land on him.
You open your eyes when you feel him grab your finger and turn it thirty degrees to the left, just stopping at his chest. Your sense of direction must be really bad, because it turns out you were pointing at nothing.
“I don’t think we’re going anywhere for awhile”
“Noooooo” you wail, and Mark lets go of your hand to sit back down on his desk, and unsurprisingly, begins reading his textbook again. How he is able to focus with you in the background, you don’t know, but it must have taken years of practice.
At this point, you decide to take matters into your own hands. You shove yourself off the bed and grab his arms from behind him. His roller chair scoots a few inches before he stops it.
“You’re not exactly making great case for yourself here”
“Stop making excuses!”
You aim straight towards the armpits, and you’re confused at the lack of reaction, so you reach over to squeeze his knee. Almost immediately, he crumples over, almost falling off the chair.
“Can you-” he says mid laugh, “please” he gasps, “Stop that!”
You respond by attacking his other knee, and it’s over. He falls off his chair and you go down with him. The difference is that he recovers quickly, and starts tickling you back in revenge.
You’re sensitive, so it feels like you’re dying. You try to use his arm as leverage to push yourself up, but next thing you know he’s toppeling over you. You close your eyes and wait for your head to kiss the cold hard floor but it never comes, because Mark's hand cradles your head, breaking the fall.
When you open your eyes, he’s closer than ever before, noses touching. Lips a mere centimetres away and in a weird embrace, you resist the urge to close the distance.
Mark has always been good looking, especially now, so close to you. You don’t know why you’ve never noticed it before.
When he pulls away he’s flustered, and for the first time, so are you.
It’s an awkward silence, with you still on the floor as he stands up, rubbing the dusk from his knees. He scratches the back of his head and offers you a hand
“Let’s head out,” he says.
“Yeah, let’s.” you echo.
…
Although Haechan berates you for being more than a little late to the party, he’s overjoyed that you somehow managed to show up with Mark. Not that he didn’t have faith in you anyways, he tells you. It’s just that Mark is married to his Biology textbook, and she runs a tight ship. By the time you reached the frat with Mark, you’ve sobered up enough to enjoy yourself normally,
It’s when you wake up in the morning, that you’re not okay. It’s not okay, because you dreamt of Mark, and that’s weird, because you and Mark were just friends, right? And you always will be.
It’s not a big deal because friends dream of friends. Dreams are a product of your own desires environment, you tell yourself, it’s perfectly normal because you spend so much time with him.
What is not normal, is when you see Mark the following Monday, and are worried about it. You’re nervous the whole time, and it gets worse when you slide the little watermelon filled tupperware container across the table in apology for last Friday. He likes his watermelon cut up into little cubes, you remembered (why do you remember?), and you avoid his eyes, pushing a stray piece of hair behind your face.
Mark, oblivious as usual, doesn’t really notice anything until 10 minutes in, as if your lack of rambling surprises him. Munching on the cubes, he asks if you’re okay.
“Yeah, I am.”
No you are not. You are utterly fucked.
…
“But you need to promise me you won’t judge or make fun of me for it”
“Just say it already, Jesus.”
“It’s just so embarrassing.”
“Oh my god, are you in love with me?”
“No!”
When placing your hands in your face, Haechan grants mercy on you, patting you on the back instead of teasing you further.
“I don’t know what else could be so important that you need to talk to me in person. Unless…. it’s about Mark?”
His hands stop soothingly rubbing your back and instead starts slapping it, waiting for you to laugh along with him. When he doesn’t get a response he gasps. Turning his head sideways to face you, he pries your fingers apart.
“No fucking way.”
“Right?” you moan.
“I was just joking, but I can’t say I didn’t expect it.”
You remove your hands from your face and look at him, confused. “What do you mean?”
“Like, you’ve known each other forever. You spend a lot of time together too. Someone was bound to catch feelings eventually.”
You don’t respond, instead choosing to sulk.
“You know I’m right. You just don’t want to admit it because you’re the loser in this situation.”
Right he is, because you’ve been avoiding Mark for the past few weeks like the plague. You’ve told him that you’ve been busy with your final term paper (you’re not, you’re an engineering major why would you have one?), and although he was a little confused, he was probably also a little thankful because the MCAT was only a month away.
As you tell him about your plight, Haechan listens thoughtfully, “mhming” and “ahh-ing” at all the right places.
“I don’t see how ignoring him helps you at all. I would say to just talk to him about it, but it’s Mark, he probably hasn’t thought about you that way at all.”
“Thanks,” you grumble. “So I’m basically one of the boys.”
“No really, mans might as well be the anemone from Nemo, I’ve never seen him interested in anyone.” Haechan sighs. “This is a tough one.”
“I’m sure I’ll think of something, but I might have to get creative.”
“I’d like to see you try Hyuck.”
…
It’s 9pm Sunday night, and there’s a knock on your door. It’s strange you think, because it’s a Sunday, and it’s a little late to be doing anything.
When you open the door, there he is, Mark Lee in all his 5’9’ glory, with a little bag in hand, in it your favorite milk tea.
“It’s Sunday.” you say, intelligently.
Mark just chuckles. “Yes it is, and your point?”
You step aside so he can walk in, and you’re embarrassed at your current state. For once, you’ve finished your assignments early, so you’ve spent the past four hours in your pajamas watching K-dramas and snacking on honey chips. You must look like a bum.
Mark on the other hand, always looks good, even in some old dress slacks, and an old t-shirt with some holes in it. He smells faintly of antiseptic, so he must have just come from a volunteering shift at the hospital.
“It’s nice of you to drop by,” you poke the straw into the bubble tea. “And thank you for the bubble tea.”
“You’ve been busy recently so I figured you’d need it for the caffeine content, but it’s not like you sleep anyway.” he jokes. “How’s the term paper going?”
“The term paper? Oh right, the term paper. It’s alright,” you lie. “Just a couple of pages left. Beats having to take the MCAT though.”
Mark looks tired, with his hair slightly overgrown and his dark circles hallower than usual. You feel bad—he has a habit of overworking himself; you’re usually there to check on him but lately you haven’t, and he’s kind and thoughtfull enough to bring you something because he thinks you’re stressed.
“Yeah tell me about it,” Mark takes a seat next to you on your bed, head hitting the wall with a soft thump. “It’s going to be all over next week though, I can’t wait. I’ve missed you though.”
Busy silently cursing at yourself for the way your heart flutters at his admission, you forget to respond. Mark frowns, places his hand on your thigh in an attempt to soothe you, and it has the opposite effect—you think you might go into cardiac arrest.
“Is something wrong?”
“N-no.” you stammer. “Just stressed. ”
Mark makes things worse by leaning in closer, gently placing the back of his hand on your forehead. “You’re kinda hot.”
“I am?”
“Yeah, like I think you may be running a fever.”
He hops off the bed, and rummages around in his little black bag, and pulls out a thermometer. He places a little sleeve on the end, and motions for you to open your mouth. When it beeps, he takes it out of your mouth and looks at the result.
“Your temperature is fine, but you should rest. I’ll see you soon okay?” He pats your head. “Take it easy, I know you’ll do great.”
…
You might not have a term paper, but what you do have is a physics final.
The desk area is littered with eraser dust, crumpled paper, and half filled styrofoam cups of coffee that have since gotten stale. You swear to god that Physics was a subject meant to torture, not enrich the lives of college students. At this rate, you were seriously debating dropping out to become a stripper.
Haechan, not sensing your dismay, disrupts your plans to drop out by telling you something that puts a damper on the rest of your day, as if Physics wasn’t doing that already.
“Have you noticed that Mark’s been hanging out a lot with that one girl lately? What’s her name? So-bin, Yee-ben, Ben 10, ”
“Yebin,” you snap. “And don’t ever disrespect Ben 10 like that again. ”
Haechan lifts his hands up, “ I agree she’s a total bitch, but man is she hot.”
“Aren’t you supposed to make me feel better, not worse?”
Haechan’s face softens and for once in his life, looks a little sorry. “All I’m saying is if you don’t do something soon, someone might do it for you. I overheard her saying something about her and Mark going to spring fling together.”
He’s not wrong, but Mark, at Spring fling? At a Darty? Willingly? His idea of a good time was studying.
“You’re kidding,” you scoff. “As if he’d be caught dead at something like that.”
“I don’t know (y/n). He doesn’t really have much else to do now that the MCAT is over.”
Right, the MCAT. He took it last week. You mentally slap yourself for not asking how it went.
“Speak of the devil.” Haechan says quietly, motioning behind you.
There she is through the glass, Yebin, pulling a seat next to Mark, not before sneaking up behind him and planting a fat kiss right on his cheek.
…
Maybe if this were a movie, you’d cry all weekend and he’d make it up to you; But this is real life, so you secretly cry for a week and sulk for the rest of the month, blaming your puffy eyes on seasonal allergies (In real life, Mark can’t make it up to you because he did nothing wrong. He’s also not even aware that you like him, but that’s besides the point).
Despite Haechan’s attempt to convince you that it could’ve been just a friendly kiss, a greeting kiss, a whatever kiss, you insist that you’re done with your little crush, that it had shriveled up and died. Although not so convinced, Haechan drops the subject all together and instead resorts to comforting you in his own way, which mainly just consists of making fun of you about other things.
Mark is a touchy subject, and you’re still avoiding him. Why? You don’t really know. You know it’s not fair to Mark, who is probably very hurt and confused at your lack of communication. Nonetheless, he doesn’t question it, and is so infuriatingly mature with his emotions that you suspect that he even respects it, because he stops texting you after a while.
You feel bad about stonewalling him, leaving him in the dark, but really, what would you say to him?
“Sorry-I-haven’t-been-talking-to-you-it’s-just-that-I’m-in-love-with-you-and-I’m-butthurt-that-you-have-a-girlfriend-of-course-it’s-not-really-your-fault-but-”
You shudder at the thought, because it’s just plain embarrassing.
But really, you’re not the best at expressing your emotions—you’ve never been. Frankly, you’re tired of expressing your emotions because it never got you anywhere. Not with your mom, not with your dad, and definitely not with Yuta, who you dated for a year and half a year just to dump you like you were nothing.
It’s not worth it, to put your emotions on the line for anyone, not anymore. You locked your heart away a long time ago, and you were a fool to let it come out last time, and you like to think you learn from your mistakes.
At least, that’s what you think, until you return home one Sunday night from the library and see a little cup of your favorite milk tea at the door, with a straw neatly balanced on the top.
…
When spring fling rolls around, you still haven’t spoken to Mark, and if your friends catch on, they don't mention it. They know by now that you prefer to deal with things alone, to digest them for what they are and then promptly moving on—you know, like processing a death.
It doesn’t really matter, you think. You and Mark have always been friends, and will always be friends. Nothing more, nothing less. And when you get over yourself, things will be fine.
But really, how can it be fine when your whole world stops every time Mark looks at you?
You try not to dwell on it, even now weeks later. You’re busy getting ready to go out, blotting your lipstick on some tissue paper in your friend Yuna’s bathroom.
“(y/n), you look amazing.”
When you turn to look at yourself in the mirror she’s right; The mascara you put on your lashes really brings out the color of your eyes, and your skin (thanks to Yuna’s highlighter compact) is literally glowing. You feel really pretty.
You turn to smile at her. “Thanks to you.” you tell her, and she gets bashful, pushing you out of the seat and ushering you out the door. You make it down stairs no problem, but she calls you as soon as you walk out the door.
“Yes, I have blotting papers with me, and no, I am not dating Haechan I’ve told you thousands of times-”
“What about me?”
You turn around to find Haechan leaning against the dormitory wall, already waiting.
Embarrassed, you tell her you need to go and hang up the phone.
“How long have you been standing here? Hopefully not too long.” You apologize, but he assures you it’s all right.
“Are you sure your friends are fine with you leaving them early to go with me?”
“Yes Haechan, they’re just happy that I have someone to go with.” you sigh. “Almost too happy.”
He laughs, after looking at you, he pauses. “You look nice.”
“You do too, Hyuck.”
If you didn’t know any better, you would say he seems embarrassed at your compliment.
When you walk into the venue, you’re not surprised at how spacious it is. You’re used to your school going all out, from the kale salads and now, spring fling. They might as well call it spring semi-formal, because everyone is dressed their best.
You see Johnny at the end of the punch table, and he waves, motioning for you two to join him.
“And my favorite couple,” he greets you two, and you almost smack him upside down the head.
“Relax, I’m just kidding.” and he leans in for a hug. “How are you (y/n), I haven’t seen you in a second.”
“I’m good, just been super busy. You were so right, Professor Kim has been really keeping me on my toes in Physics 430,” you laugh. “Every time I walk into the classroom I can feel my life flash through my very eyes.”
He laughs, and you all laugh with him. Johnny tends to have that kind of effect on people.
“How’s Mark?” he asks, and you cringe. “It’s been a while.”
You laugh nervously “ I haven’t seen him in a while either.”
“Oh really. Don’t you see each other every week?”
“Well we used to,” you panic. “Just not anymore because, you know, I-”
“Because you’ve been so busy,” Haechan finishes.
Johnny gives you two a strange look but continues talking anyway.
“Well that’s life. Poor boy’s been studying for the MCAT like his rent is due tomorrow.”
“More like everyday.” Haechan snickers.
Johnny doesn’t hesitate to flame Haechan for his insolence, and begins teasing him for almost failing Calc II (Calc II was kind of hard you admit but that is an admission that will die with you), meanwhile, you’re whisked away by Yuna and her entourage. You glance at Johnny and Haechan, who bid you farewell with a nod of their heads.
It’s fun, you’re having a great time dancing, and eating mini hot dogs on a toothpick (you guess your university had to cut corners somewhere). When Roxanne plays, you and Yuna go wild, nearly knocking over a waiter over with a silver tray. You have so much fun, that you forget that Mark Lee exists until you make eye contact across the floor.
It's no surprise that he’s with Yebin, who looks annoyingly prettier than usual, with her makeup all done and satin dress. She’s pulling him in the opposite direction, but Mark seems to pay no mind, instead staying in place, looking at you. A moment passes, and you see him excusing himself. When he begins to head your direction. You panic.
Before you can even react, you feel an arm wrap around your waist, pulling you close. When you finally turn to see who it is, you’re nose to nose with none other than Haechan.
“What are you doing?”
“Just go along with it,” Haechan whispers through his teeth. Your hands are pressed against his chest, and he grabs one of your arms, placing it around his neck.
“Go along with what? Have you lost your mind-”
Before you can finish your sentence, his lips press against yours and your mind goes blank. He tastes like peppermint and aftershave, with his lips soft in the center and just a little chapped around the edges.
When you two finally part, Mark is nowhere to be found, and you don’t know how to feel.
“Haechan I-” you stammer. “I need to go.”
You hurry off, and he doesn’t follow you.
…
When you’re outside, it’s cold; the air is brisk and definitely doesn’t help steady your breathing, it only makes it harder. It’s a lot to process, Mark, Yebin, Haechan. It’s a lot, and you feel like you’re in emotional overdrive, with all the feelings you’ve been trying to keep in for the past few months coming back to bite you.
You sit down at the edge of the fountain outside the venue, and you nearly get soaked. It misses you by mere inches, with the ceramic fish looking at you almost mockingly. You don’t care, with all the thoughts running through your head right now, you think you might go insane.
You don’t know how long you’ve been sitting there at the fountain when you feel something wrap around you, warm like it was just taken out of the dryer. It smells familiar, like cologne and faintly of antiseptic—it smells like Mark.
You don’t look at him when he sits down next to you, legs open, hands crossed. And he doesn’t look at you. It’s radio silent.
“So you and Haechan, huh.”
“So you and Yebin.” you echo.
Mark looks at you for the first time, confused. “What are you talking about?”
“You know what I mean.”
“Oh that.” He shuffles awkwardly. “I don’t really like her like that.”
Your head raises in surprise, and you face each other for the first time in months.
“I thought you guys had a thing.”
Mark scratches the back of his head. “Well we do, but it’s just in her head” he says, and you can’t help but laugh. “She came onto me last week, so I finally set things straight.” Noticing your reaction, he just shakes his head.
“I don’t think it worked though,” he adds.
“I would think, you’ve always been too nice for your own good.”
“I just didn’t want to hurt her feelings, you know?” he murmurs. “I feel terrible.”
“You’re not a terrible person just because you don’t like someone back.”
“Maybe not, but I believe not wanting you and Haechan to be together does.”
It takes a moment for his words to register within you, and even after you process them, you’re not sure what to say.
“We don’t like each other like that.” you interrupt him.
Mark looks visibly confused. “Then you and Haechan aren’t??” his voice falters.
“No more than you and Yebin. I promise you it’s not what it seems like.” you tell him and it finally clicks. You’d have to thank the idiot later. Right after you slap him.
Mark doesn’t question it, not even when you start crying. You don’t question it either, unsure of why you’re crying.
“You’re so stupid,” you sniffle. “I’ve liked you for so fucking long.”
Mark pulls out his pocket square to gently wipe the tears from your face, and places his hand on top of yours.
“You’re ridiculous, you know that? You could have just said something.” his says softly
“I didn’t want to ruin anything. We’ve always just been friends.”
“I think we’ve always been just more than that.” he says, leaning in, hands cup your face gently.
“Just took some of us a little longer to realize.”
....
“That was very nice of you,” Johnny says.
“Yeah. Very nice.” Haechan echos.
“How long has it been, that you’ve liked her for? Three years?”
“Two going on three.”
Johnny lets out a low whistle, and looks down at the younger boy worriedly. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”
Haechan glances at you and Mark through the glass, outside the venue. With Mark whispering in your ear and you laughing, you seem so happy; happier than you’ve ever been with him.
“Yeah, I am. More than okay.”