How is it once you've been slotted in as "fuck up, bad guy, screw up, trouble maker, black sheep" in a part of your family even when that's their perception of you and not the truth. No matter how hard I try to fix things, to change their perception to see the real person I am. As soon as I make one ill written post one facebook that was meant to be a postive thing. But I inadvertently forgot to add someone in the post, I'm once rendered back to screw up status? Most likely not be invited to Christmas for another decade plus. It was truly a mental mistake on my part.
So this the story; I needed up spend 2 days with my niece and her daughters (Christmas and the day after). So my post on facebook was just saying that I had a wonderful time spending time with them. Well I forgot to add my niece's son in that post 😔. He lives with his dad and had been there on Christmas day only, he's also an adult. When I wrote the post i wasn't leaving him out on purpose. Just my brain being my brain wanted to let my niece know I appreciated the time I got to spend at her house with her and her daughters. As you might guess we don't have the best relationship in the world.
So after I posted it to facebook I take a nap. Got up just a little bit ago to see there's a comment on that post from my niece's son (fyi we're not friends on facebook) Basically saying that anytime I spent with him meant nothing... See here I was completely confused. On a vid of Christmas I posted on facebook I say how great it was seeing everyone. But I couldn't tag him in we're not friends. Truth be told I tried to friend him, he never friended me so yea I let go. But he would seen it on his mom's which is how I'm figuring he seen the one in question now. See when he left on Christmas day to go home he didn't say good bye to me or anything, we're not close unfortunately. So I stupidly thought somewhere in my brain that my presents didn't really matter to him. I'm a full on adult, he's 19 so I don't take it personal I figured it just the way it is, even if it sucks. But I never thought in a million years he'd get upset about the post thanking his mom and sisters... So I did what I could I apologized to him because I truly didn't mean to hurt him. And put up a post especially just for him as a way of acknowledging him and also apologizing in a larger way. Tagged his mom in it so he will hopefully see it. Because I never meant to make him feel that way. My favorite moment of the two days I was down there was playing this fun card game called Exploding Kittens with him and his sisters on Christmas.
And perhaps this is selfish but my overall fear here is it any progress I made over the last two days with them is just going to get chucked out the window cuz once again I screwed up, I put my foot in my mouth not even realizing it in anyway completely was blindsided. I'm just left with egg on my face like good job you idiot. When I've been diligently trying not to cause waves. See that portion of the family has issues about a lot of things about me mostly their conservative and I'm a liberal is the easiest way to sum it up. With first agent Orange's bullshit for 4 years and now Covid well it's not been easy. So when my niece invited me to Christmas, which has not happened in more years than I can remember I was super excited. Because being alone on Christmas is truly one of the hardest things to deal with. Now I feel like just fucked up trying to say thank you and I had a great time to my niece and her daughters. Seems like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't 😥.
Anyway now I'm just anxious and disheartened! Wishing I could go back in time and fix that post!
