#negative --

[venomousraga]

my dad's out here really trying to make up for the stress my mom would be causing if she was invited to the wedding

like what do u mean ur trying to bring along ur girlfriend that's half ur age and that ur in an extremely toxic relationship w/ AND her baby and u aren't even TELLING ME abt this "plan" and instead have me hearing abt it from my brother

i have never met this woman and she is NOT going to be there idc what he says

[venomousraga]

really been struggling w/ the self worth lately. like i just don't think im special or worth enough to ask so many people to come out of state for my wedding. i don't feel like im deserving of having all of these wonderful people in my life and im just there bc it would be more trouble just to drop me atp. i've become so terrible at confidently reading other people's tone and expression that im often replaying interactions in my head that i initially thought were good under the lense of "actually u completely misunderstood the REAL meaning of what they were feeling/trying to say and they're just too nice to tell u outright"

i hate being in my own head fr

[venomousraga]

i'm just so tired. i'm tired of being stressed out constantly. i'm tired of being stressed out by things that should bring me joy. i'm tired of being stressed abt conflicts that don't actually exist and always anticipating the next big fight. i'm tired feeling like i can never get caught up on anything. i'm tired of my own brain making me feel like i don't really matter. i'm so tired of everything feeling like a struggle no matter what i do.

[venomousraga]

i just don't know how anyone manages to keep their living space fully clean, i feel like i go at it for hours one day and then a day later things are back to shit again

[venomousraga]

meh

i've just been handling stress so badly lately. i see small things as symptoms of being huge life altering things that frighten me and make me want to avoid it all as much as i possibly can

i wish so SO badly that i could feel like i got dealt an easy hand in life for once. but the world's going crazy and trying to keep putting on this face like everything's okay and im not cracking under the anxiety and pressure is really goddamn hard lmao

[venomousraga]

random late night vent bc im still looking for a therapist lol

idk, it's like. not only have i reached that point of the year where my somewhat enjoyable sense of nostalgia becomes more of a painful thing to experience, i also have just... not been doing well w/ my anxiety lately

i realized today that atm i have truly been living in a near constant state of feeling like im waiting and mentally preparing myself for the next conflict in my life, even though the rational voice in my brain knows that it's not healthy to live like this

and it definitely has everything to do w/ growing up w/ my mother. i lived life in permanent defense mode when i was living under her roof. but im not there anymore and haven't been for years now, so why does it feel like this mindset is only getting worse man? it sucks ass 😩

[j-brody]

Life's a bunch of cruel fucking jokes and sometimes those jokes are your own fault.