Pet death cw, morbid/gross cw, blood mention, rambling
I know that grief doesn’t go away that quickly, I know the feelings don’t fade away so quickly-- but a day after her death, I really do wish they would. I don’t want to feel sad and tear up and all that. I don’t want to feel sad if I happen to think of Yuki again. I want to be happy that she was even here. I want to think of her happily, even if she’s gone.
I want to fully register that she’s gone, that I won’t see her again, that I won’t hear her knocking on my door in the morning anymore, see her dogging for our food anymore, see her sleep on the couch on her back....
That I won’t be able to pet her anymore... Pat her belly... Throw her squeaky toys and watch her happily chase after them....
We gave her a good life, we did what we could, and-- I don’t know, I don’t know if getting her to a vet earlier would of saved her life, or if they would of wanted to euthanize her because it turned out to be something inevitably fatal and we would of just had to spend who knows how much just to have her die, I don’t know--
It really does hurt, knowing she isn’t here. Knowing she’s gone. It just-- even if she did seem a bit sick, it didn’t-- she deteriorated so quickly and suddenly yesterday, dying--
I’m trying not to feel regrets, like I so often do when someone passes. I did what I could. I made sure she had a comfortable place to sleep in my room, where she wanted to be her last month, for some reason. But when I hear she collapsed in front of my room, I just---
If I had my door open? If I carried her to my room--
But no. She was with my mom, my mom was holding her just earlier before I went to my room. And-- even if my door was open, she wouldn’t of made it inside. She collapsed just before actually reaching my door. And if she was in my room, instead of with mom for that bit--
There’s nothing I could of done. It just... hurts a lot, knowing she was trying to get to my room, before she just... collapsed and died. She still had a slight heartbeat when I checked after hearing my parents sobbing-- I just... hope she knew I was there in those final, final moments. Petting her as I could
I just. It really felt so sudden. So so sudden. Zacheriah was old, and obviously going to pass soon when he did. Takuya too. Lightning a little too.
Yuki felt... so quick and sudden, just within the past month. She got a little sick-- that’s all it seemed. And she seemed like she was perking up not too long ago too. So there was a little bit of hope--
But then those hopes were dashed. She deteriorated within the day yesterday. And then she died. And blood-- you know how when things die, they apparently. Soil themselves? I don’t know. My mom was holding her body, with a few paper towels on her butt, so she wouldn’t get any poop on her, and just--
...blood. so much blood on that paper towel.
She didn’t have bloody stools before. But that. It was like it was just blood. Straight up just blood.
I just-- I don’t understand. I wish I at least knew what exactly killed her, in the end. A virus? Bacterial infection? Poisoned(eating something she shouldn’t of)? ...Cancer, with all the bumps she had...?
I wish I knew. I just wish I knew. Some sort of closure on that front. But-- we’ll never know, not really.
She was 12. That’s a long time for a dog, I always hear, but it feels so short when Zacheriah, Takuya, and Lightning were much older. Takuya was-- 14, at the time, I think? Lightning, who was a cat, was 17~18.
We got her in 2009, I remember that. I remember when she was small and in my room with her little box, and I freaked out a little because she kept twitching in her sleep making noises, but it was just her dreaming.
Which she had a frequency of doing, even near the end. I think one of my recent twitch streams caught her doing small lil barks in her sleep.
...
I’m glad I have some good pictures of her, at least. From 2018~2020. One from this year, before she got visibly sick. A couple from 2018 are perfect-- her on her back, they way she would love to lay down-- and the other with her legs on my(?) leg, looking very cute. Also, one with Rose’s butt, Binki, and her, outside.
...
I’ll miss her. I’ll really miss her. I really miss her. I just want to pet her again, scritch her neck, pat her belly like a belly drum--
ha....
