#negative sorry

[ushizaki-urumi]

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i just keep thinking about the people in 2016 when people said things would be "fine" after the november results. and the anons who messaged me saying i was overreacting. now in 2025 my wife and i don't feel comfortable speaking spanish in public anymore bc we're afraid we might literally be abducted

[kabrukisser]

ppl talking abt "u know when u get hit on (..)" like no my sibling in christ i dont actually! i am not conventionally attractive sorry! your experience is not universal

[finalrestingplace]

there is a census today and oh boy i can’t wait to mark myself down as an undesirable to be rounded up and culled first if things go south that badly

if they say they don’t trace you or identify you through the form... then how do they know exactly who’s done it and who hasn’t 🤔

​the constant adverts everywhere make it sound like “:) fun activity to do for fun!! :)” don’t comply and you’ll suffer. we are watching and we’re coming after you” 

“Taking part in the census is your chance to help make sure you and your community get the services you need for the next 10 years and beyond.” fuck that they want to know who’s most expendable

[fullbottles]

i sound like a fucking broken record i hate myself

[accidentalhubby]

10:53 p.m.

nothing worse than the little glimpses at feeling alive, being happy. I'm sad. maybe I'll never be more than that.

[backstagefright]

do you ever overwhelmingly feel like you’re wasting your life

[ouppybuppy]

I seriously need a week where there is nothing to do and nothing to worry about

Or maybe I just need different meds

Like, how I handled full time work is literally beyond me

....well, I didnt handle it i guess. That's why I'm so fucked up now

I dont get how I'm only working like 23-26 hours a week and it's already at my limit, not including art

It's not even work, it's school + placement + this new self employment endeavour. But im not including the admin outside of it, nor the school work, nor my art. Or house upkeep, animal care. All the while I'm running at a financial loss cuz maple is so unwell

The financial side is going to improve very soon tho, I feel a lot less insane about that compared to what I have been recently

Im just

I need therapy. I honestly need a support worker. I need a stable income that will allow me to slow the fuck down and not decide between having a job thatll kill me and actually having a life.

And I just. Sit here. Feeling the stress pile up, one task feeling like 20, something thatl take 5 mins feeling like a half days job. Im trying SO hard to not let my messages pile up again, but it's happening. And im falling bsck into a cycle like what I was really bad with in england where I leave things and then get too overwhelmed at feeling too late

And being self aware of all this shit is the real kicker. I can pick apart (for the most part) WHY i do these things. I can link it back to an experience, I am trying really hard to face uncomfortable truths about myself. But even when facing the truths, I can still sit back and be comfortable in my discomfort. So it's not meaningful work in the end really.

Learning that i probably am autistic has been both positive and negative. My life recontextualised in a way that now makes sense, so much relief. And at the same time ive gone 10 steps back with feeling like a functioning adult. My tolerance for things has gone, I am so burnt out that facing any slightly difficult decision instantly paralyses me and I need to self regulate

Or im just so used to masking and going on autopilot, and then crashing so hard. What used to take an evening or day to recover from is now taking almost an entire week to recover from. Like the debt has accumulated. But you never get to pay it off, or if you do, another huge chunk gets added. So you never feel truly rested.

But with all this complaining, I will say like...I know im gonna feel like 80% better once im no longer in financial crisis, because that will help me get on top of things, by giving me access to a cpap machine (more energy), therapy (support and self empowerment), a bed frame (comfort), paying off maple's current medical debt + affording further testing (emotional wellbeing), and a buncha other things thatll improve my life quality

And i know socialising falls into all of this also. But, fuck me, how the fuck do I socialise when I feel my head is barely above water? I dont want my isolation tendencies to dominate my life again, I want to persevere.

I just. I want life to feel easy. Maybe it never will be but.

Surely...SURELY.. thheres more to it than this

[reanimatedmuses]

Feelin kinda not good about my RP career here... Pretty loud voices of 'not good enough' in my ear these days.

Probably just depression talking, you know how things are these days but uh... Yeah