NEIL MITCHELL: “GREAT HEAVENLY LEADER KIM JONG-UN MORE TRUSTWORTHY THAN ILLEGAL OPINION SHARER”
Responding to calls for an investigation into torture allegations in North Korea earlier this week, Australian radio announcer Neil Mitchell remained loyal to “great supreme leader” Kim Jong-Un’s assertion that North Korean military personnel would never hurt anyone.
The allegations of torture, made by a slave laborer in a prison camp in the east of the country after he was overheard telling a fellow prisoner that “there’s something not quite right with this regime,” were supported by photographs of severe burns on the alleged victim’s hands.
“What we have here is an ILLEGAL sharer of an opinion, doing everything he can to share an opinion,” announced an incredulous Neil Mitchell to his listeners.
“Now, seriously, who do you believe? Some sharer of an opinion doing anything he can to share his opinion? Or North Korean soldiers who get no benefit from torturing people?”
Ken Snithers, CEO of the Slave Laborer Association hit back at Mitchell on air, insisting that the burns were sufficient evidence for an investigation to be held.
Mitchell responded that the soldiers accused of the crime had already investigated it and found that no torture had occurred, so no further investigation was required. “Furthermore, Great Heavenly Father Chairman Kim Jong-Un would never do anything to hurt our slave laborers. That you wouldn’t trust him is disgraceful.”
Later in the day, Mitchell was heard telling church abuse victims that their allegations could not be true because some paedophile priests who conducted an investigation had found no evidence to back the claims.
Disclaimer: This Peril article is satire. Duh. (This, however, is not.)